Post by MattOliveira on Jan 24, 2009 2:54:39 GMT -4
*The following promo contains some of the funniest forced meme's ever created by two very tired and easily excited teenage guys, known as Vlad and Matt. They were once a tag team, and once upon a time Vlad debuted a character known as Willy the Whale. Well, Willy came back one night ...and he brought a friend.*
**DANGEROUS AMOUNT OF INNUENDOS WARNING*
_________________________________________
As we return from commercial break, the song 'The New Black' by Strapping Young Lad hit the P.A., the fans cheering for once to hear it. Vladimir Strife steps out of the back, a grin on his face as they applaud him. He's got a black briefcase in his hand and the title around his waist, taking off in a sprint for the ring. Vlad slides in and makes his way in, being handed a microphone from ring side as he looks around left and right, seeming eager and excited.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN....."
JP: Oh god..
"FUCK SWF!!!"
They go manic from the line, finally not being used against them. Vladimir jumps up and down, excited as can be.
"I just got a HUGE tid bit of information, ladies and gentlemen!! SWF has brought all their guns in, but the secret weapon HAS arrived! I made the call and I wasn't sure he'd answer, but by GOD ALMIGHTY, he answered and GHW has nothing to worry about!!! So, without further adue, allow me to present to you, the return of one of the biggest fan favorites to ever grace the ring! Hit the music!"
The lights go dark as "I Come From The Water" by the Toadies begins to play throughout the arena.
JP: Wait... who the hell? I don't know anyone with this theme, Ray...
Ray: I don't either..
The lights come back up and a familiar site to some is seen in the middle of the ring as Vladimir's hand is held high in the air, his friend at the end.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Willy the Whale!!!"
Some fans cheer and some boo, others being confused to no end as to why GHW's Hardcore King is standing in the middle of the ring with a puppet.
"Everyone say hello to Willy!"
"HELLO WILLY!"
"Wow Vlad, these fans really love the Willy!"
"Oh yes, I guess they do.."
"Could be worse though... at least they don't swallow the skin sword, like those SWF hacks!"
"Very true. I take it you don't like SWF, Willy?"
"Not a bit Vlad! Let me tell you something, I know a lot about excitement...a LOT! I'm the only thing to hit GHW with near as much charisma as Hyper Elf. When I get in front of this crowd and hear them screaming my name, well Vlad, I'm just spewing with excitement! As far as these SWF guys, they couldn't excite Michael Jackson with Hailey Joel Osmond!"
"Wow... that's uh... that's pretty bad, Willy."
"You think that's bad, HM! You must not have seen them wrestle before!"
"I mean, come on... we've got Gnarfflinger... What the hell kind of a name is that? German or something? His name really should be Chikinfauker the Butcher!"
The fans roar with laughter, a few taking a moment to get the joke however.
"Then guys like TC Carroll. By the way, do you know what TC stands for?"
"Well... no, I never though about it. What does it stand for, Willy?"
"Torn Colon! I'll let you guess why. Then we've got Billy Styles, who's too busy hair dressing to show up. Bomber Barnes.. watch one of his matches, you'll see how he got the nickname. Dman-"
"Dman? No, Willy, wrong name. He's not Dman, he's Bman."
"Well, I know one thing, he's certainly not A man and 20 says his stomachs been pumped before thanks to C man."
The GHW fans are laughing hysterically, falling out of their chair. The SWF fans in the crowd are shortly getting sick of the antics however.
"That's not nice, Willy! Don't you have anything to say besides just being mean?"
"Actually... I do. I want to call someone down to the ring, Vlad. My best pal in the whole wide world! So, ladies and gentlemen, Say hello to my lil' friend!"
TBCB You know who
"Mein Teil" by Rammstein hits the speakers, Matt coming out from the curtain and down the ramp, an odd smile on his face as Vlad and Willy remain in-ring. Matt steps through the ropes, Willy waving at him (ok, that wasn't intentional), and grabs a microphone.
JP: "...Willy's best friend is Matt? What the hell?"
WtW: "Hey! Where the f*ck is he?"
Vlad: "Relax, Willy. It's ok, he's got to be somewhere. Right?"
Matt: "Yep, but he's taking a nap."
WtW: "A nap!?! I buy that bastard his plane ticket and he's taking a nap? Where is he? I'll mess that furry son-of-a-bitch up SO bad!"
Matt (whispering): "sssh shhh....in there." *points to his pocket.*
Vlad: "See? He's here, give him a break, Willy."
WtW: "I'll give him a break. First his arms, then his legs, then his tail...then his little neck."
Vlad: "Willy! Behave yourself! You know it's not nice to issue death-threats like that!"
WtW: "Just because I know it's not right doesn't mean I won't do it."
Matt: "Ok, are you sure you want to see him?"
*Matt turns to the crowd, some of them cheering.*
Matt: "Are you suuuuree?"
*The crowd responds a little louder.*
Matt: "Positively?"
*YEEES*
Matt: "Absolutely?"
*YEEESSS*
Matt: "Supercalifragil-"
WtW: "WHERE'S THE GOD DAMNED THING! DO IT, JACKASS!!!"
Vlad: "Stop it!"
Matt: "Ok...I need complete silence..."
WtW and Vlad: "Sssssshhh"
Matt: "How'd you do that?"
WtW: "Get on with it!"
Matt: "Ok...everybody...quiet...."
Vlad, Willy, Matt, and the audience calm down. Just about where a pin drops until one member of the audience decides to perk up.
Crowd guy: "Show your t*ts!!!"
WtW: "I'm not your mom!"
The crowd cracks up again, and slowly dies down. Matt slowly takes his free hand into his pocket, making a small voice and ruffling noise into the microphone.
? : "...ehh...whaddaf*ckyouwant?..."
Matt: "..come on...time to wake up, there's some people who want to see you."
?: "...go away...are they Jehovas Witnesses?"
Matt: "No...no they're not...I don't think."
?: "...OH! They're Jews!"
Matt: "...*sigh*...just come on out...just this once."
? : "Fine. Let's go."
Matt: "Ok, everybody...I'd like you to meet...Schlacky the Squirrel."
Matt pulls his hand out of his pocket, revealing a hand puppet covering it, a small fluffy brown squirrel.
Immediately, the squirrel dodges for Matt's arm pit, scared of all the people and lights. Schlacky digs in, only his tail showing.
Matt: "I'm sorry, he's used to being alone."
WtW: "Wait a minute...a small furry brown thing, that's shy, lives in a closet, and likes nuts? Hey Ray, we got yourself a boyfriend!"
Vlad: "Stop it! You're gonna make him cry!"
StS: "...IN HIS PANTS!"
Willy begins laughing at Schlacky's joke.
WtW: "At least his sense of humour is still alive."
Matt: "Tell me about it. He wanted me to plow down senior citizens on the way here. He's got a list of people that fed him stale bread, a hit list."
StS: "Those wrinkled prunes said they were crutons, but WE all know the truth."
Matt: "Now, Schlacky, let's not disrespect our elders. We're here to talk about SWF."
TBCB Vlad (well, at least I left the gate open.)
WtW: "Well, I don't think there's much to talk about... it's just a few idiots trying to come in here and run off at the mouth."
VTS: "Aren't you worried about an invasion though!?"
StS: "Please, the last thing Pyro invaded anything, it was TC's colon!"
MO: "That is pretty funny. What's your overall feeling on SWF, guys?"
StS: My opinion, I think they should stop wrestling each other in their lockerroom and learn how to wrestle in the ring!
WtW: I second that! The only place in the world where a janitor could outwrestle half the roster! And don't even get me started on Gnarfflinger!
Schlacky shudders.
MO: What's wrong, buddy?
StS: "Please don't mention Gnarfflinger.. it brings back bad memories.."
WtW: What, you watched him try to wrestle before?
StS: No... this one time.... he touched my nuts..
VtS: Was it acorns?
StS: No... no, it wasn't...
WtW: That sucks! Just like Gnarf. But, I have to tell you, you should have seen it when I met him. He was drooling and slobbering all over me!
VtS: He was, but he wouldn't stop talking about him though. I think Gnarfflinger secretly loves Willy.
TBCB Matt
StS: "LOVES Willy?!? He can't get enough of Willy! He takes his Willy around, putting it down peoples throats until they gag, and then at the end of the day..."
Matt: "What is it, Schlacky?"
StS: "...nothing...well...it's why I think he's a squirrel too."
Matt: "It's ok, you can tell us. Is it because he's a bit skittish?"
StS: "No..."
Matt: "Because the Butcher is rather bristly and furry looking?"
StS: "Not quite..."
Matt: "Ok, then WHY is Gnarfflinger a squirrel too?"
StS: "Because he's ALWAYS got nuts in his mouth."
Both Matt and Willy burst out laughing, Vlad however has a grin on his face, a bit eerie is the puppeteer.
Vlad: "Ok...ok...ok...I think it's time we talked about the future of the SWF team. Think about it, what's in-store for them."
StS: "Like...their futures?"
Vlad: "Yep."
StS: "Ooooh, future."
WtW: "Fuuuture."
Matt: "Future...ok Schlacky, what's in the SWF Team's future."
StS: "WELL, since GHW will kick their asses so badly, their reputations and desire to live will be crushed, n'est pa?"
WtW: "Oui."
StS: "So after the first couple cases of suicide, the rest are out of work."
Vlad: "Yep."
StS: "Right, so let's help them find new jobs."
Matt: "How thoughtful of you, Schlacky."
StS: "Well then, get me my folder and reading glasses."
Matt digs into his pocket, pulling out a matchbook-sized booklet of an office folder and gives it to Schlacky. Oliveira reaches back in and takes out a small pair of wire glasses, slipping it onto Schlacky's head. The squirrel flips madly through his folder...Matt had ALOT of extra time on his hands.
StS: "Here's the page. Who shall we suggest to first?"
WtW: "How about Pyro?"
StS: "Let's see...we have Interior Decorator because he loves polishing knobs...Lumberjack because he loves wood...and government official."
Matt: "Government? Pyro in office? Why?"
StS: "...because he loves taking IT and taking IT and taking IT and never gives back."
Vlad: "Nice potential in Pyro, how about Bman?"
StS: "Ok...Bman...name derived from always being second-best...he's got a place on the American Olympic hockey team because of that."
WtW: "Matt, watch it. We all knew who that was."
Matt: "Vlad, just relax, you were bashing the Canadians last time."
Vlad: "...that wasn't me...that was the whale."
StS: "...he could be a bread-maker AND farmer! We know he likes getting baked and then plowed!"
Matt: "...WHAT?...IT WAS SCHLACKY!"
StS: "Last one here says...carpenter...he likes getting hammered, and then nailed by studs."
The crowd erupts with fits of laughter, Willy obviously calling for more.
WtW: "More!"
(See? I told you.)
StS: "Okay...we've got Skull...what the hecks his nick-name?"
Matt: "Aaeesaa...Aesahae...what?"
Vlad: "No...it's more 'Aesahattare'..."
WtW: "...Jesus...his nickname is pronounced Asshatter, okay? ASSHATTER."
StS: "Skull The Asshatter...well, it's strange he paints himself up like a skeleton...it says he can be a Paleontologist because he loves big, hard bones....oooh, a librarian because all he'll do after this is be shelved on the companies roster...and the last one is.... Hmm. I wonder why we put down "Special Olympics Runner-up" I suppose that's self-explanatory."
Matt: "...and the last guy is TC."
WtW: "Guy?"
Vlad: "You know what he meant."
StS: "Ok...well, if he isn't slayed at Summer Ritual...and he makes it past the suicide barrier...we've got Weather Man because he lies and everyone flat-out hates him. Grammar Fairy because he is obsessed with colons...and after the pay-per-view his potential at a dog show will open RIGHT up."
Vlad: "Why is that, Schlacky?"
StS: "...because he'll be neutered and a complete bitch."
Matt: "Great work, Schlacky. You're an awesome Guidance Counselor."
[TBCB Vlad (up to him, once more and then let hell break loose)
VTS: I can't help but feeling like we're forgetting about some people...
Vladimir thinks for a moment.
VTS: Aiden Gore and Overtaker?
StS: Who?
WtW: Exactly.
VTS: We forgot the traitor!
MO: You mean LRey?
WtW: Fuck LRey! As a matter of fact, I'm challenging LRey to a match at Summer Ritual!
MO: Willy, you can't do that. Let's be honest, that'd be completely one sided!
StS: Yeah, to start with, you'd have too much of a height advantage on him!
WtW: True.. But I've heard rumors that he'd be prepared for me.
VTS: Really?
WtW: Really! I couldn't count the number of times I've heard someone tell me they've seen LRey practicing grappling Willy, choking Willy, fighting around with Willy, beating Willy. I even heard he might swallow me whole!!
StS: I could always distract him with a pile of acorns, Willy. See, LRey has a hidden weakness. You know, other than being unable to get reach the kitchen sink without a stepladder..
MO: Really, what?
StS: He LOVES to fondel nuts.
VTS: Well, I know one thing guys, Summer Ritual, when SWF clashes with GHW... it's going to be different from ANYTHING they've ever went up against before!
WtW: Yeah, there'll actually be people watching!
TBCB Anyone
Gnarfflinger the Butcher appears on the Titantron.
GtB: Well, Vlad, it seems that you and Matt have taught me something.
WtW: How queer you SWF guys are?
GtB: That wrestlers with no talent can amuse the fans with a stupid puppet show.
The Crowd laughs at the joke.
GtB: Willy, it's been a whale of a long time since I last saw you. Not long enough, mind you. I notice more white spots around your mouth. I guess that Ray is getting Jealous of you...
STS: You could teach Ray about that...
GtB: You're one to talk about having other people's nuts in your mouth. I notice Matt and Vlad have smiles on their faces. Maybe you could give ray a few pointers...
Ray: I've got enough of a pointer now...
JP: Shut up Ray...
GtB: Look, Being on the road you find out more than you want to know about the guys and the weird s*** they are into, but Vlad, you and Matt take the cake. And frankly, I don't want any after you guys are done with it...
VtS: Do you have a point?
GtB: No, I have women for that, but you and Matt have your little puppets to get off with, that's up to you. You guys must be bored of Ray...
VtS: Real funny. But only Steers and Queers brag about SWF, and Ray tells me you still have your balls attached...
GtB: And you're the one practicing proctology on the Whale. And Matt, you complain about me touching the Squirrel's nuts when you have your hand up his ass. You guys joke all you want. At Summer Ritual, we'll see who has the last laugh...
TBC: Anyone...
VTS: God...he's right Matt. Your hand up Shlacky's ass, mine up Willy's, this is starting to look like an SWF lockerroom!
WtW: Don't worry about Gnarfflinger guys. If he gets near, I'll knock him out again!
MO: Or I can knock him out again!
VTS: Or I could!
StS: Hell, let me do it... eh, screw it, I don't need to lower my standards any.
The fans laugh, enjoying the show as Gnarfflinger fumes.
MO: Listen, Crapflinger, you want to come out here and run your mouth, why don't you shut the hell up before we kick you and SWF's asses even further back into the stone age?
WtW: I think Gnarf called us childish!
StS: If he thinks that's childish, wait til we do this!
Shlacky and Wally point at Gnarfflinger and begin to chant "GNARF LOVES NUTS! GNARF LOVES NUTS!". After a moment, the fans join in, Gnarfflinger pissed from the display.
GtB: You know the only thing you guys are missing is Kingbear with a puppet named Robbie the Rooster. Then again, It would be too easy to claim that the loves the c***...
WtW: But we didn't want to encroach on your pleasure...
GtB: No matter, when asked about SWF, I'll remember the Bar Brawls. When asked about this place, what's there to remember? A f***ing puppet show? I mean really, Vlad, you're supposedly one of the top talents in the business, but all I see is a goofball with his hand up a whale's ass. It's like you are trying to be Ray or something...
VtS: And who left on a stretcher at NeXus?
GtB: Exactly my point. Two top rated stars in the business, and their idea of entertaining the fans is to come out here and put on a puppet show? You two should be beating the s*** out of each other...
The Fans erupt in cheers over that idea.
WTW: So you're not only queer, but you're a coward.
GtB: If you have a problem with s*** coming out of your mouth, there's a really simple solution: Tell Vlad to get his hand out of your ass!
STS: Did you forget about me?
GtB: No, Schlacky, I'm not that lucky...
MO: I'm actually a little disappointed with you. You and I clashed at Hardcore Games, but you were the first one out.
GtB: That's because I looked at you and saw a second rate clown with his hand up a squirrel's ass, not a high end hardcore superstar. I won't make that mistake again.
TBC: Matt
Matt slowly drops the hand with Schlacky on it, heaving a large sigh, and raises the microphone to his mouth. However, Oliveira continues to raise the mic, and hits it against his head slowly, a pathetic thud coming from the microphone every time he hits himself. A few fans laugh at the scene, Oliveira bordering between unimpressed and agitated.
Matt: "...fine, fine...the show is over, mate...you'll have to go back."
Matt "sadly" puts the squirrel puppet back into his pocket, a couple "Aww"s come from the audience, seeing they'd rather enjoy their time with casual Willy and Nut references than company versus company stuff.
Matt: "...sorry Vlad, but...well, Gnarff's in a pissy mood. That's no time for puppets. No, instead we've got to talk about being "Hardcore" and "better than" and that other horse shit...until next time."
Vlad: "Come on, Matt. I'm loving this, just a bit more."
Matt: "Nope, nope. It's his decision, he wants to carry on-and-on, then we'll do that."
Gnarff is seen raising an eyebrow, not too sure what to think.
Matt: "...ok...ok Matt...let's get all angry and shit...let's be Matt again, no puppets....ok..."
GtB: "Well?! Out with it!"
Matt: "RAWR!...You see, Butcher, you've just represented SWF perfectly just now. An embodiment, if you will. Not meaning you represent Bar Brawls or Table matches or a shlack of overgrown talent trying to suffocate every roster that exists, oh no..."
*IN A MONOTONE VOICE* "You have just repeated over and over exactly what all you pricks say. Nothing different. No taste. Just constant debauchery of the words "Professional Wrestling"."
*NORMAL* "...every damned time, you guys say you'll kick our asses. Every time, you continue that nostalgic bullshit until you're blue in the mouth and the people in the crowd are stabbing the sides of their heads with dinner forks. OH, but in SWF, we settled our problems by fighting. NOOO, rather than have an inch of comedic relief, I should go over to Vlad here and deal out a right hand!...That's the SWF way. That's the caveman way. I have intellect, I know how to cut apart people with my brain, I can play mind-games."
GtB: "Then explain the puppets."
Matt: "Simple, RATHER THAN doing the same shit you guys do on a daily basis of "Og no like Crog, Og smash Crog"...I'm deciding to go out of the box and catch you simple-minded snails off-guard. But hey! Since you decided to not even come down here, showing the only way your appearances are through violence, I'll give you the upper hand...because god knows you'd win in a game of Jeopardy. So, tell you what, you say you belittled me, you say you know what you've got in your hands? Then I'll take you up on your offer, Gnarff. Next week, on Saturday Night Revelation, you and me, true Canadians, in a Canadian Deathmatch. Go get your wire, your thumbtacks, I've been there, done that...and you've been hit there, and put through that...settle this bullshit the way you want to. Because you know the Butcher cuts the meat, but the Slaughterhouse kills the cattle."
(OOC: Sorry, no more happy puppet time for a while. Gnarff, I can't swing a Deathmatch on the PPV, want to keep open for the Cage of Death.)
TBCB Gnarff
GtB: The rules are simple. Take your Texas Death match, replace the ropes with barbed wire, then spread out some Icons of Canadian culture, like hockey sticks, Bilingual street signs, Celine Dion CD's, anything Canadian for flavour...
Matt interrupts the explanation, quick to pick-up on match ideas.
Matt: "...and may the meanest mother-f*cker win."
GtB: "Oh...I plan on it."
END OF THREAD
**DANGEROUS AMOUNT OF INNUENDOS WARNING*
_________________________________________
As we return from commercial break, the song 'The New Black' by Strapping Young Lad hit the P.A., the fans cheering for once to hear it. Vladimir Strife steps out of the back, a grin on his face as they applaud him. He's got a black briefcase in his hand and the title around his waist, taking off in a sprint for the ring. Vlad slides in and makes his way in, being handed a microphone from ring side as he looks around left and right, seeming eager and excited.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN....."
JP: Oh god..
"FUCK SWF!!!"
They go manic from the line, finally not being used against them. Vladimir jumps up and down, excited as can be.
"I just got a HUGE tid bit of information, ladies and gentlemen!! SWF has brought all their guns in, but the secret weapon HAS arrived! I made the call and I wasn't sure he'd answer, but by GOD ALMIGHTY, he answered and GHW has nothing to worry about!!! So, without further adue, allow me to present to you, the return of one of the biggest fan favorites to ever grace the ring! Hit the music!"
The lights go dark as "I Come From The Water" by the Toadies begins to play throughout the arena.
JP: Wait... who the hell? I don't know anyone with this theme, Ray...
Ray: I don't either..
The lights come back up and a familiar site to some is seen in the middle of the ring as Vladimir's hand is held high in the air, his friend at the end.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Willy the Whale!!!"
Some fans cheer and some boo, others being confused to no end as to why GHW's Hardcore King is standing in the middle of the ring with a puppet.
"Everyone say hello to Willy!"
"HELLO WILLY!"
"Wow Vlad, these fans really love the Willy!"
"Oh yes, I guess they do.."
"Could be worse though... at least they don't swallow the skin sword, like those SWF hacks!"
"Very true. I take it you don't like SWF, Willy?"
"Not a bit Vlad! Let me tell you something, I know a lot about excitement...a LOT! I'm the only thing to hit GHW with near as much charisma as Hyper Elf. When I get in front of this crowd and hear them screaming my name, well Vlad, I'm just spewing with excitement! As far as these SWF guys, they couldn't excite Michael Jackson with Hailey Joel Osmond!"
"Wow... that's uh... that's pretty bad, Willy."
"You think that's bad, HM! You must not have seen them wrestle before!"
"I mean, come on... we've got Gnarfflinger... What the hell kind of a name is that? German or something? His name really should be Chikinfauker the Butcher!"
The fans roar with laughter, a few taking a moment to get the joke however.
"Then guys like TC Carroll. By the way, do you know what TC stands for?"
"Well... no, I never though about it. What does it stand for, Willy?"
"Torn Colon! I'll let you guess why. Then we've got Billy Styles, who's too busy hair dressing to show up. Bomber Barnes.. watch one of his matches, you'll see how he got the nickname. Dman-"
"Dman? No, Willy, wrong name. He's not Dman, he's Bman."
"Well, I know one thing, he's certainly not A man and 20 says his stomachs been pumped before thanks to C man."
The GHW fans are laughing hysterically, falling out of their chair. The SWF fans in the crowd are shortly getting sick of the antics however.
"That's not nice, Willy! Don't you have anything to say besides just being mean?"
"Actually... I do. I want to call someone down to the ring, Vlad. My best pal in the whole wide world! So, ladies and gentlemen, Say hello to my lil' friend!"
TBCB You know who
"Mein Teil" by Rammstein hits the speakers, Matt coming out from the curtain and down the ramp, an odd smile on his face as Vlad and Willy remain in-ring. Matt steps through the ropes, Willy waving at him (ok, that wasn't intentional), and grabs a microphone.
JP: "...Willy's best friend is Matt? What the hell?"
WtW: "Hey! Where the f*ck is he?"
Vlad: "Relax, Willy. It's ok, he's got to be somewhere. Right?"
Matt: "Yep, but he's taking a nap."
WtW: "A nap!?! I buy that bastard his plane ticket and he's taking a nap? Where is he? I'll mess that furry son-of-a-bitch up SO bad!"
Matt (whispering): "sssh shhh....in there." *points to his pocket.*
Vlad: "See? He's here, give him a break, Willy."
WtW: "I'll give him a break. First his arms, then his legs, then his tail...then his little neck."
Vlad: "Willy! Behave yourself! You know it's not nice to issue death-threats like that!"
WtW: "Just because I know it's not right doesn't mean I won't do it."
Matt: "Ok, are you sure you want to see him?"
*Matt turns to the crowd, some of them cheering.*
Matt: "Are you suuuuree?"
*The crowd responds a little louder.*
Matt: "Positively?"
*YEEES*
Matt: "Absolutely?"
*YEEESSS*
Matt: "Supercalifragil-"
WtW: "WHERE'S THE GOD DAMNED THING! DO IT, JACKASS!!!"
Vlad: "Stop it!"
Matt: "Ok...I need complete silence..."
WtW and Vlad: "Sssssshhh"
Matt: "How'd you do that?"
WtW: "Get on with it!"
Matt: "Ok...everybody...quiet...."
Vlad, Willy, Matt, and the audience calm down. Just about where a pin drops until one member of the audience decides to perk up.
Crowd guy: "Show your t*ts!!!"
WtW: "I'm not your mom!"
The crowd cracks up again, and slowly dies down. Matt slowly takes his free hand into his pocket, making a small voice and ruffling noise into the microphone.
? : "...ehh...whaddaf*ckyouwant?..."
Matt: "..come on...time to wake up, there's some people who want to see you."
?: "...go away...are they Jehovas Witnesses?"
Matt: "No...no they're not...I don't think."
?: "...OH! They're Jews!"
Matt: "...*sigh*...just come on out...just this once."
? : "Fine. Let's go."
Matt: "Ok, everybody...I'd like you to meet...Schlacky the Squirrel."
Matt pulls his hand out of his pocket, revealing a hand puppet covering it, a small fluffy brown squirrel.
Immediately, the squirrel dodges for Matt's arm pit, scared of all the people and lights. Schlacky digs in, only his tail showing.
Matt: "I'm sorry, he's used to being alone."
WtW: "Wait a minute...a small furry brown thing, that's shy, lives in a closet, and likes nuts? Hey Ray, we got yourself a boyfriend!"
Vlad: "Stop it! You're gonna make him cry!"
StS: "...IN HIS PANTS!"
Willy begins laughing at Schlacky's joke.
WtW: "At least his sense of humour is still alive."
Matt: "Tell me about it. He wanted me to plow down senior citizens on the way here. He's got a list of people that fed him stale bread, a hit list."
StS: "Those wrinkled prunes said they were crutons, but WE all know the truth."
Matt: "Now, Schlacky, let's not disrespect our elders. We're here to talk about SWF."
TBCB Vlad (well, at least I left the gate open.)
WtW: "Well, I don't think there's much to talk about... it's just a few idiots trying to come in here and run off at the mouth."
VTS: "Aren't you worried about an invasion though!?"
StS: "Please, the last thing Pyro invaded anything, it was TC's colon!"
MO: "That is pretty funny. What's your overall feeling on SWF, guys?"
StS: My opinion, I think they should stop wrestling each other in their lockerroom and learn how to wrestle in the ring!
WtW: I second that! The only place in the world where a janitor could outwrestle half the roster! And don't even get me started on Gnarfflinger!
Schlacky shudders.
MO: What's wrong, buddy?
StS: "Please don't mention Gnarfflinger.. it brings back bad memories.."
WtW: What, you watched him try to wrestle before?
StS: No... this one time.... he touched my nuts..
VtS: Was it acorns?
StS: No... no, it wasn't...
WtW: That sucks! Just like Gnarf. But, I have to tell you, you should have seen it when I met him. He was drooling and slobbering all over me!
VtS: He was, but he wouldn't stop talking about him though. I think Gnarfflinger secretly loves Willy.
TBCB Matt
StS: "LOVES Willy?!? He can't get enough of Willy! He takes his Willy around, putting it down peoples throats until they gag, and then at the end of the day..."
Matt: "What is it, Schlacky?"
StS: "...nothing...well...it's why I think he's a squirrel too."
Matt: "It's ok, you can tell us. Is it because he's a bit skittish?"
StS: "No..."
Matt: "Because the Butcher is rather bristly and furry looking?"
StS: "Not quite..."
Matt: "Ok, then WHY is Gnarfflinger a squirrel too?"
StS: "Because he's ALWAYS got nuts in his mouth."
Both Matt and Willy burst out laughing, Vlad however has a grin on his face, a bit eerie is the puppeteer.
Vlad: "Ok...ok...ok...I think it's time we talked about the future of the SWF team. Think about it, what's in-store for them."
StS: "Like...their futures?"
Vlad: "Yep."
StS: "Ooooh, future."
WtW: "Fuuuture."
Matt: "Future...ok Schlacky, what's in the SWF Team's future."
StS: "WELL, since GHW will kick their asses so badly, their reputations and desire to live will be crushed, n'est pa?"
WtW: "Oui."
StS: "So after the first couple cases of suicide, the rest are out of work."
Vlad: "Yep."
StS: "Right, so let's help them find new jobs."
Matt: "How thoughtful of you, Schlacky."
StS: "Well then, get me my folder and reading glasses."
Matt digs into his pocket, pulling out a matchbook-sized booklet of an office folder and gives it to Schlacky. Oliveira reaches back in and takes out a small pair of wire glasses, slipping it onto Schlacky's head. The squirrel flips madly through his folder...Matt had ALOT of extra time on his hands.
StS: "Here's the page. Who shall we suggest to first?"
WtW: "How about Pyro?"
StS: "Let's see...we have Interior Decorator because he loves polishing knobs...Lumberjack because he loves wood...and government official."
Matt: "Government? Pyro in office? Why?"
StS: "...because he loves taking IT and taking IT and taking IT and never gives back."
Vlad: "Nice potential in Pyro, how about Bman?"
StS: "Ok...Bman...name derived from always being second-best...he's got a place on the American Olympic hockey team because of that."
WtW: "Matt, watch it. We all knew who that was."
Matt: "Vlad, just relax, you were bashing the Canadians last time."
Vlad: "...that wasn't me...that was the whale."
StS: "...he could be a bread-maker AND farmer! We know he likes getting baked and then plowed!"
Matt: "...WHAT?...IT WAS SCHLACKY!"
StS: "Last one here says...carpenter...he likes getting hammered, and then nailed by studs."
The crowd erupts with fits of laughter, Willy obviously calling for more.
WtW: "More!"
(See? I told you.)
StS: "Okay...we've got Skull...what the hecks his nick-name?"
Matt: "Aaeesaa...Aesahae...what?"
Vlad: "No...it's more 'Aesahattare'..."
WtW: "...Jesus...his nickname is pronounced Asshatter, okay? ASSHATTER."
StS: "Skull The Asshatter...well, it's strange he paints himself up like a skeleton...it says he can be a Paleontologist because he loves big, hard bones....oooh, a librarian because all he'll do after this is be shelved on the companies roster...and the last one is.... Hmm. I wonder why we put down "Special Olympics Runner-up" I suppose that's self-explanatory."
Matt: "...and the last guy is TC."
WtW: "Guy?"
Vlad: "You know what he meant."
StS: "Ok...well, if he isn't slayed at Summer Ritual...and he makes it past the suicide barrier...we've got Weather Man because he lies and everyone flat-out hates him. Grammar Fairy because he is obsessed with colons...and after the pay-per-view his potential at a dog show will open RIGHT up."
Vlad: "Why is that, Schlacky?"
StS: "...because he'll be neutered and a complete bitch."
Matt: "Great work, Schlacky. You're an awesome Guidance Counselor."
[TBCB Vlad (up to him, once more and then let hell break loose)
VTS: I can't help but feeling like we're forgetting about some people...
Vladimir thinks for a moment.
VTS: Aiden Gore and Overtaker?
StS: Who?
WtW: Exactly.
VTS: We forgot the traitor!
MO: You mean LRey?
WtW: Fuck LRey! As a matter of fact, I'm challenging LRey to a match at Summer Ritual!
MO: Willy, you can't do that. Let's be honest, that'd be completely one sided!
StS: Yeah, to start with, you'd have too much of a height advantage on him!
WtW: True.. But I've heard rumors that he'd be prepared for me.
VTS: Really?
WtW: Really! I couldn't count the number of times I've heard someone tell me they've seen LRey practicing grappling Willy, choking Willy, fighting around with Willy, beating Willy. I even heard he might swallow me whole!!
StS: I could always distract him with a pile of acorns, Willy. See, LRey has a hidden weakness. You know, other than being unable to get reach the kitchen sink without a stepladder..
MO: Really, what?
StS: He LOVES to fondel nuts.
VTS: Well, I know one thing guys, Summer Ritual, when SWF clashes with GHW... it's going to be different from ANYTHING they've ever went up against before!
WtW: Yeah, there'll actually be people watching!
TBCB Anyone
Gnarfflinger the Butcher appears on the Titantron.
GtB: Well, Vlad, it seems that you and Matt have taught me something.
WtW: How queer you SWF guys are?
GtB: That wrestlers with no talent can amuse the fans with a stupid puppet show.
The Crowd laughs at the joke.
GtB: Willy, it's been a whale of a long time since I last saw you. Not long enough, mind you. I notice more white spots around your mouth. I guess that Ray is getting Jealous of you...
STS: You could teach Ray about that...
GtB: You're one to talk about having other people's nuts in your mouth. I notice Matt and Vlad have smiles on their faces. Maybe you could give ray a few pointers...
Ray: I've got enough of a pointer now...
JP: Shut up Ray...
GtB: Look, Being on the road you find out more than you want to know about the guys and the weird s*** they are into, but Vlad, you and Matt take the cake. And frankly, I don't want any after you guys are done with it...
VtS: Do you have a point?
GtB: No, I have women for that, but you and Matt have your little puppets to get off with, that's up to you. You guys must be bored of Ray...
VtS: Real funny. But only Steers and Queers brag about SWF, and Ray tells me you still have your balls attached...
GtB: And you're the one practicing proctology on the Whale. And Matt, you complain about me touching the Squirrel's nuts when you have your hand up his ass. You guys joke all you want. At Summer Ritual, we'll see who has the last laugh...
TBC: Anyone...
VTS: God...he's right Matt. Your hand up Shlacky's ass, mine up Willy's, this is starting to look like an SWF lockerroom!
WtW: Don't worry about Gnarfflinger guys. If he gets near, I'll knock him out again!
MO: Or I can knock him out again!
VTS: Or I could!
StS: Hell, let me do it... eh, screw it, I don't need to lower my standards any.
The fans laugh, enjoying the show as Gnarfflinger fumes.
MO: Listen, Crapflinger, you want to come out here and run your mouth, why don't you shut the hell up before we kick you and SWF's asses even further back into the stone age?
WtW: I think Gnarf called us childish!
StS: If he thinks that's childish, wait til we do this!
Shlacky and Wally point at Gnarfflinger and begin to chant "GNARF LOVES NUTS! GNARF LOVES NUTS!". After a moment, the fans join in, Gnarfflinger pissed from the display.
GtB: You know the only thing you guys are missing is Kingbear with a puppet named Robbie the Rooster. Then again, It would be too easy to claim that the loves the c***...
WtW: But we didn't want to encroach on your pleasure...
GtB: No matter, when asked about SWF, I'll remember the Bar Brawls. When asked about this place, what's there to remember? A f***ing puppet show? I mean really, Vlad, you're supposedly one of the top talents in the business, but all I see is a goofball with his hand up a whale's ass. It's like you are trying to be Ray or something...
VtS: And who left on a stretcher at NeXus?
GtB: Exactly my point. Two top rated stars in the business, and their idea of entertaining the fans is to come out here and put on a puppet show? You two should be beating the s*** out of each other...
The Fans erupt in cheers over that idea.
WTW: So you're not only queer, but you're a coward.
GtB: If you have a problem with s*** coming out of your mouth, there's a really simple solution: Tell Vlad to get his hand out of your ass!
STS: Did you forget about me?
GtB: No, Schlacky, I'm not that lucky...
MO: I'm actually a little disappointed with you. You and I clashed at Hardcore Games, but you were the first one out.
GtB: That's because I looked at you and saw a second rate clown with his hand up a squirrel's ass, not a high end hardcore superstar. I won't make that mistake again.
TBC: Matt
Matt slowly drops the hand with Schlacky on it, heaving a large sigh, and raises the microphone to his mouth. However, Oliveira continues to raise the mic, and hits it against his head slowly, a pathetic thud coming from the microphone every time he hits himself. A few fans laugh at the scene, Oliveira bordering between unimpressed and agitated.
Matt: "...fine, fine...the show is over, mate...you'll have to go back."
Matt "sadly" puts the squirrel puppet back into his pocket, a couple "Aww"s come from the audience, seeing they'd rather enjoy their time with casual Willy and Nut references than company versus company stuff.
Matt: "...sorry Vlad, but...well, Gnarff's in a pissy mood. That's no time for puppets. No, instead we've got to talk about being "Hardcore" and "better than" and that other horse shit...until next time."
Vlad: "Come on, Matt. I'm loving this, just a bit more."
Matt: "Nope, nope. It's his decision, he wants to carry on-and-on, then we'll do that."
Gnarff is seen raising an eyebrow, not too sure what to think.
Matt: "...ok...ok Matt...let's get all angry and shit...let's be Matt again, no puppets....ok..."
GtB: "Well?! Out with it!"
Matt: "RAWR!...You see, Butcher, you've just represented SWF perfectly just now. An embodiment, if you will. Not meaning you represent Bar Brawls or Table matches or a shlack of overgrown talent trying to suffocate every roster that exists, oh no..."
*IN A MONOTONE VOICE* "You have just repeated over and over exactly what all you pricks say. Nothing different. No taste. Just constant debauchery of the words "Professional Wrestling"."
*NORMAL* "...every damned time, you guys say you'll kick our asses. Every time, you continue that nostalgic bullshit until you're blue in the mouth and the people in the crowd are stabbing the sides of their heads with dinner forks. OH, but in SWF, we settled our problems by fighting. NOOO, rather than have an inch of comedic relief, I should go over to Vlad here and deal out a right hand!...That's the SWF way. That's the caveman way. I have intellect, I know how to cut apart people with my brain, I can play mind-games."
GtB: "Then explain the puppets."
Matt: "Simple, RATHER THAN doing the same shit you guys do on a daily basis of "Og no like Crog, Og smash Crog"...I'm deciding to go out of the box and catch you simple-minded snails off-guard. But hey! Since you decided to not even come down here, showing the only way your appearances are through violence, I'll give you the upper hand...because god knows you'd win in a game of Jeopardy. So, tell you what, you say you belittled me, you say you know what you've got in your hands? Then I'll take you up on your offer, Gnarff. Next week, on Saturday Night Revelation, you and me, true Canadians, in a Canadian Deathmatch. Go get your wire, your thumbtacks, I've been there, done that...and you've been hit there, and put through that...settle this bullshit the way you want to. Because you know the Butcher cuts the meat, but the Slaughterhouse kills the cattle."
(OOC: Sorry, no more happy puppet time for a while. Gnarff, I can't swing a Deathmatch on the PPV, want to keep open for the Cage of Death.)
TBCB Gnarff
GtB: The rules are simple. Take your Texas Death match, replace the ropes with barbed wire, then spread out some Icons of Canadian culture, like hockey sticks, Bilingual street signs, Celine Dion CD's, anything Canadian for flavour...
Matt interrupts the explanation, quick to pick-up on match ideas.
Matt: "...and may the meanest mother-f*cker win."
GtB: "Oh...I plan on it."
END OF THREAD
