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Post by Skull on Aug 19, 2014 17:43:57 GMT -4
August 5th, 2014Live from the EVPW Gymnasium in Concord, California. Match #1Skull vs Syn vs Kasabian StalkerWinner: Kasabian StalkerMatch #2Shawn Scholes W/ Steve White vs Killian FitzpatrickWinner: Killian FitzpatrickMatch #3Agent Shadow W/Chris Pyro vs Jakob Azazel W/ SpyroWinner: DrawMain Event"The Reaper" Crystov Razetti vs Desperado
Winner: Crystov Razetti
Edit 1:Figured it was ok to judge my own match because i didn't get a chance to post in it anyway. Edit 2: Last 2 matches are self explanitory, if anyone wants feedback for the first 2 i'll write up a quick paragraph on each.
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Post by Shawn Scholes on Aug 19, 2014 18:19:25 GMT -4
Explanatory of the second match please.
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Post by Skull on Aug 20, 2014 17:16:48 GMT -4
Explanatory of the second match please. You had some good content but it was your writing that held you back. There were a few grammar issues like commas and full stops in wrong place. You don’t need to put a comma after a name!  There was also some awkward wording/sentence structure and some sentences just didn’t make sense. And sometimes you used both past and present tense in the same sentence. A lot of your sentences were quite short as well and could be turned into longer sentences. Killian’s sentences flowed much better and were easier to read. He was also a lot more detailed. He used colour too, which separated the action from the commentary and segmented the post well, which made it easier to read. Your second post was a lot better than the first and had better grammar and sentence structure but then your third post had very short sentences, almost no action and was 90% commentary. I liked what you did with the foot on the rope and the match getting restarted but you could have included more action. Your 4th post had the same problem as the 3rd, you need to include more action between the commentary. If you look at Killian’s posts, he had paragraphs of action between the commentary, while you only had a few sentences. The action should be the main part of the post though and the commentary should just compliment the action. In terms content, you both of you had a good face/heel dynamic. I liked your heel tactics with the ambush at the beginning and it was good psychology beating killian down after the ambush then having him make a comeback at the end of the post. Killian also had good action/psychology though, and his posts were better written and more consistent. Your commentary was good though, and I liked the trash talking and the crowd reactions. I think you have a lot of potential, you just need to work on your writing and go into more detail. If you re-read Killian’s posts and also read Kasabian’s posts, that will give you an idea of what to aim for. |
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Post by Kasabian Stalker on Aug 21, 2014 0:17:15 GMT -4
For the record, if people would like me to proof read their posts prior to posting - I am happy to do that. If it is that stuff holding you back (grammar, punctuation, general wording of posts) then it might be a good idea.
I am a school teacher, so I do it for my students every day anyway. Just PM them to me or to the Hayden HardKore account and I will send you back a proofed version.
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There was also some awkward wording/sentence structure and some sentences just didn’t make sense. And sometimes you used both past and present tense in the same sentence.
