Post by Skull on Aug 6, 2014 16:58:11 GMT -4
Follwing EVPW’s latest closure, the man known as Skull, who had been making noticeably fewer wrestling appearances in recent years, returned to his native Horrorland and resumed his role as Governor of the bizarre and secretive but totally-not-made-up state. We join our hero in his office at the very tip top of the Terror Coaster in Horrorland’s world famous theme park. The park itself looks as though it has seen better days, though whether this is by design is anybody’s guess. Although it is after hours and there are no guests in the park, a low rumble of moans, growns and the occasional cackle is an ever-present background noise.
Inside, the office looks more like an odditorium than a place of work, with bones, shrunken heads and vials of unknown substances strewn around the place in a haphazard fashion. The man himself is reclined in a chair, with his feet up on the desk, sipping from an ornate tea set.
As Skull finishes his tea and places the cup down on it’s saucer with a chink, a frantic knocking is heard on the door. Seconds later, a young lad, barely 18 years old, stumbles into the office and almost falls flat on his face. He wears a grey suit which is slightly too big for him and carries a clipboard in his hands. Behind his messy blond hair, his usually rosy cheeks are drained of colour.
Looking up, Skull warmly addresses the boy.
“Good evening young Barnaby! And how is my favourite intern doing? You know, I wasn’t too sure about welcoming an outsider into the inner sanctum of Horrorland but you’ve certainly impressed me so far. You’ve only been here for a week but you seem to have a much better understanding of the way this place works than I do. And I run the place! Care for some tea?”
“I... um... n-no thanks, sir.” Barnaby stutters, wiping a cold sweat off his brow.
“What’s wrong, Barnbs? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“I, um, I-I just went down to the accounts department, sir.”
“Ah, yes. The accounts department. How is old Joe doing?”
“H-he’s dead sir.”
“Well I should certainly hope so. We don’t call him Corpsey Joe for nothing.”
Laughing to himself, Skull pours himself another cup of tea, but this time a worm comes out of the pot with it. As if this is nothing, he simply picks the worm out, tosses it aside and takes a large slurp. Still visibly traumatized by his encounter with Corpsey Joe, Barnaby tries to gather himself. He had seen many strange things in the two weeks that he had been interning at Horrorland but he certainly didn’t expect to see a dead body.
“Wha- I-I don’t understand. Why would you hire a corpse?”
“That’s a good question, Barnbs. You see, my last accountant was awful. Absolutely terrible. So bad, in fact, that I figured a corpse would be able to do a better job. How are things going down there anyway?”
Half confused and half terrified, Barnaby pulls himself together and looks down at his clipboard.
“Well I’ve been going through books, and it doesn’t make for very pleasant reading.”
Out of nowhere, Barnaby produces a copy of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn and holds it directly up to the camera with a wink, then turns back to Skull as if nothing happened.
“I should think not. But what of our financial situation?”
“Even worse I'm afraid, Sir. The park is in disrepair, attendance rates have plummeted, and the entire staff of the freakshow have left us to join the cast of Geordie Shore.”
This time Skull turns toward the camera and addresses it directly.
“Personally I’m a TOWIE man myself but each to their own.”
He then turns back to Barnaby and continues the conversation.
“What about Horrorland Studios? The gem of the Horrorwood Hills. Surely that’s turning a profit.”
“Unfortunately production has halted due to yet another writer’s strike. That’s why the jokes in this segment have been so bad.”
This time both men turn toward the camera and shrug.
“Gosh darn it! And what about the *ahem* adult entertainment division?”
“Not good either. Unfortunately 'Two Girls One Sharknado' wasn’t quite the cross-cultural hashtag-grabbing phenomenon you hoped it would be.”
Skull raises an eyebrow at Barnaby’s sass before jumping to his film’s defence.
“How dare you! That film should have won an Oscar. You people don’t know true art when you see it. But with that said, it was slightly awkward watching it with your parents.”
Barnaby’s jaw drops to the floor
“What! Why did you watch porn with my parents?!”
“They worry about you, Barnaby. I was just reassuring them. And there was nothing on TV. 300 channels and all that’s on is Kardashians reruns! Mind you, they did look rather sick towards the end of it. I had to send them to Nurse Fanny.”
“I don’t think Nurse Fanny actually has any medical qualifications, Sir.”
“Poppycock! Nurse Fanny has a first class degree in fellatio from Oxford University.”
Barnaby studies his boss for a second, unsure if he is actually as stupid as he appears to be.
“Do you actually know what fellatio is, Sir?”
“Of course not! Do I look like a nerd, Barnaby?”
Realising that Skull actually is that stupid, Barnaby edges forward and whispers something into his boss’ ear. Skull’s eyes widen for a few seconds until the puzzle pieces finally fall into place in his mind.
“I did think that was quite an unorthodox treatment for my headache... Hold on a second, didn’t I send you to Nurse Fanny a few days ago when you had that cold?”
Barnaby says nothing but just grins and looks down at his feet, trying not to make eye contact. Skull just rolls his eyes then picks up the clipboard off of the desk.
“Well if that’s all Barnaby, I think we’ll be fine. I still have plenty of money in the vault after all.”
Barnaby’s grin instantly fades and is replaced with a look of trepidation as he knows he is about to deliver some bad news.
“Well actually, Sir ... that’s, um, that’s what the previous accountant was trying to tell you before you fired him. The vault is empty. The money has all been spent. The bailiffs are taking down the set as we speak.”
As if on cue, a loud CLANG is head and a boom mic temporarily falls into shot. Two burly, bald-headed men then walk straight across the room, carrying a large lighting rig with them and mutter ‘scuse me’ as they pass. Amidst the chaos, Skull looks around frantically as, off camera, all of his worldly possession are being taken away.
“My money? All gone? That’s impossible! What are we going to do, Barnaby? I have children to feed! They’re not mine but I still like to throw bread at them when I walk through the park. Do you know how much a loaf of bread costs these days, Barnaby? I’m done for!”
Skull jumps out of his seat and it is swiftly snatched by one of the bailiffs.
“Well actually, Sir, there may be a solution.”
Barnaby digs deep into his pocket and takes out a crumpled envelope
“This came through the post this morning. It’s a letter from a Mr D. Bozz. Is that who I think it is, Sir? Is EVPW returning? You could always return t-”
Before Barnaby can even finish, Skull jumps onto the table, Knocking over the teapot in the process.
“Eureka! I’ve just had an amazing idea, Barnaby. I will return to EVPW!”
“I’m pretty sure I just sai-”
“And once there I shall win the world championship and then send it to cash4gold so that I can buy back my empire!”
“I’m not sure that’s a very g-”
“And then I will be back on my feet again and Horrorland will be bigger and better than ever. Grab your coat, Barnaby. And tell your parents you’re going to be home late. We are heading to Concord, California!"
Before Barnaby can find anything resembling a coat, Skull grabs him by the arm and drags him out of the room, stopping only to inform one of the bailiffs that there are ‘a lot of valuable items in the accounts department’.
EOT
This is my first promo in ages so feedback is welcome.
Inside, the office looks more like an odditorium than a place of work, with bones, shrunken heads and vials of unknown substances strewn around the place in a haphazard fashion. The man himself is reclined in a chair, with his feet up on the desk, sipping from an ornate tea set.
As Skull finishes his tea and places the cup down on it’s saucer with a chink, a frantic knocking is heard on the door. Seconds later, a young lad, barely 18 years old, stumbles into the office and almost falls flat on his face. He wears a grey suit which is slightly too big for him and carries a clipboard in his hands. Behind his messy blond hair, his usually rosy cheeks are drained of colour.
Looking up, Skull warmly addresses the boy.
“Good evening young Barnaby! And how is my favourite intern doing? You know, I wasn’t too sure about welcoming an outsider into the inner sanctum of Horrorland but you’ve certainly impressed me so far. You’ve only been here for a week but you seem to have a much better understanding of the way this place works than I do. And I run the place! Care for some tea?”
“I... um... n-no thanks, sir.” Barnaby stutters, wiping a cold sweat off his brow.
“What’s wrong, Barnbs? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“I, um, I-I just went down to the accounts department, sir.”
“Ah, yes. The accounts department. How is old Joe doing?”
“H-he’s dead sir.”
“Well I should certainly hope so. We don’t call him Corpsey Joe for nothing.”
Laughing to himself, Skull pours himself another cup of tea, but this time a worm comes out of the pot with it. As if this is nothing, he simply picks the worm out, tosses it aside and takes a large slurp. Still visibly traumatized by his encounter with Corpsey Joe, Barnaby tries to gather himself. He had seen many strange things in the two weeks that he had been interning at Horrorland but he certainly didn’t expect to see a dead body.
“Wha- I-I don’t understand. Why would you hire a corpse?”
“That’s a good question, Barnbs. You see, my last accountant was awful. Absolutely terrible. So bad, in fact, that I figured a corpse would be able to do a better job. How are things going down there anyway?”
Half confused and half terrified, Barnaby pulls himself together and looks down at his clipboard.
“Well I’ve been going through books, and it doesn’t make for very pleasant reading.”
Out of nowhere, Barnaby produces a copy of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn and holds it directly up to the camera with a wink, then turns back to Skull as if nothing happened.
“I should think not. But what of our financial situation?”
“Even worse I'm afraid, Sir. The park is in disrepair, attendance rates have plummeted, and the entire staff of the freakshow have left us to join the cast of Geordie Shore.”
This time Skull turns toward the camera and addresses it directly.
“Personally I’m a TOWIE man myself but each to their own.”
He then turns back to Barnaby and continues the conversation.
“What about Horrorland Studios? The gem of the Horrorwood Hills. Surely that’s turning a profit.”
“Unfortunately production has halted due to yet another writer’s strike. That’s why the jokes in this segment have been so bad.”
This time both men turn toward the camera and shrug.
“Gosh darn it! And what about the *ahem* adult entertainment division?”
“Not good either. Unfortunately 'Two Girls One Sharknado' wasn’t quite the cross-cultural hashtag-grabbing phenomenon you hoped it would be.”
Skull raises an eyebrow at Barnaby’s sass before jumping to his film’s defence.
“How dare you! That film should have won an Oscar. You people don’t know true art when you see it. But with that said, it was slightly awkward watching it with your parents.”
Barnaby’s jaw drops to the floor
“What! Why did you watch porn with my parents?!”
“They worry about you, Barnaby. I was just reassuring them. And there was nothing on TV. 300 channels and all that’s on is Kardashians reruns! Mind you, they did look rather sick towards the end of it. I had to send them to Nurse Fanny.”
“I don’t think Nurse Fanny actually has any medical qualifications, Sir.”
“Poppycock! Nurse Fanny has a first class degree in fellatio from Oxford University.”
Barnaby studies his boss for a second, unsure if he is actually as stupid as he appears to be.
“Do you actually know what fellatio is, Sir?”
“Of course not! Do I look like a nerd, Barnaby?”
Realising that Skull actually is that stupid, Barnaby edges forward and whispers something into his boss’ ear. Skull’s eyes widen for a few seconds until the puzzle pieces finally fall into place in his mind.
“I did think that was quite an unorthodox treatment for my headache... Hold on a second, didn’t I send you to Nurse Fanny a few days ago when you had that cold?”
Barnaby says nothing but just grins and looks down at his feet, trying not to make eye contact. Skull just rolls his eyes then picks up the clipboard off of the desk.
“Well if that’s all Barnaby, I think we’ll be fine. I still have plenty of money in the vault after all.”
Barnaby’s grin instantly fades and is replaced with a look of trepidation as he knows he is about to deliver some bad news.
“Well actually, Sir ... that’s, um, that’s what the previous accountant was trying to tell you before you fired him. The vault is empty. The money has all been spent. The bailiffs are taking down the set as we speak.”
As if on cue, a loud CLANG is head and a boom mic temporarily falls into shot. Two burly, bald-headed men then walk straight across the room, carrying a large lighting rig with them and mutter ‘scuse me’ as they pass. Amidst the chaos, Skull looks around frantically as, off camera, all of his worldly possession are being taken away.
“My money? All gone? That’s impossible! What are we going to do, Barnaby? I have children to feed! They’re not mine but I still like to throw bread at them when I walk through the park. Do you know how much a loaf of bread costs these days, Barnaby? I’m done for!”
Skull jumps out of his seat and it is swiftly snatched by one of the bailiffs.
“Well actually, Sir, there may be a solution.”
Barnaby digs deep into his pocket and takes out a crumpled envelope
“This came through the post this morning. It’s a letter from a Mr D. Bozz. Is that who I think it is, Sir? Is EVPW returning? You could always return t-”
Before Barnaby can even finish, Skull jumps onto the table, Knocking over the teapot in the process.
“Eureka! I’ve just had an amazing idea, Barnaby. I will return to EVPW!”
“I’m pretty sure I just sai-”
“And once there I shall win the world championship and then send it to cash4gold so that I can buy back my empire!”
“I’m not sure that’s a very g-”
“And then I will be back on my feet again and Horrorland will be bigger and better than ever. Grab your coat, Barnaby. And tell your parents you’re going to be home late. We are heading to Concord, California!"
Before Barnaby can find anything resembling a coat, Skull grabs him by the arm and drags him out of the room, stopping only to inform one of the bailiffs that there are ‘a lot of valuable items in the accounts department’.
EOT
This is my first promo in ages so feedback is welcome.
