Hardcore Tornado Tag

[Cletus & Big Jim]

The dulcet pickings of Leadbelly’s old guitar announce the arrival of the The Logging Crew, who stride out into view.



Cletus is decked in is trademark black watch cap, Mackinaw jacket, and carrying his double-bitted axe. He's sporting a shit-eating grin and singing along with Mr. Ledbetter, and followed by Big Jim wrapped in animal skins and logging chains. He strokes his moose skins suggestively and is eerily fascinated by his pulp hook. After a moment of arguing with the foul-mouthed fans surrounding them, they begin their walk to the ring. Paying no more attention to the decidedly mixed reaction from the crowd, the loggers make their way into the squared circle and step between the strands. 

[KingBear]

With their opponents in the ring and waiting for them The Alliance members don’t take long to make their entrance. The war drums from a Viking War Song start to pound in the arena sound system. Every member of the audience and the two men in the ring can feel the bass rumbling in their bodies as the horns chime in. With this the two men wearing “traditional” (meaning Hollywood traditional) Viking fur loin cloth and pants with the similarly “traditional” fur shoulder guards. A grin crosses the unusually scarred features of Kade Samuels and Erik Ornstein as they begin their march down the entrance ramp. The camera’s zoom in on their faces to see obvious painted on/makeup scars.

Lizzie: This match is scheduled to be a Hardcore Tornado Tag Match featuring The Logging Crew. And their opponents, two up and coming stars in EVPW weighing in at a Combined weight of Four Hundred and Ninety-One pounds. Members of The Alliance, featuring a man who has stolen the heart of everyone around him. Erik Ornstein and KAAAAADE SAMUELS!

JP: Well Ray it looks like with the opening match coming back from the Hiatus, we have quite a scene set before us. Two back country hick lumberjacks against two old time Viking raiders. It really leaves you wondering what happened to the professionalism that EVPW used to hold.

Ray: I have no idea what you’re talking about Jimmy.. Do you remember the crazies we used to have around back then? I mean c’mon.. Nicholas Carson, Rhaps, Metal Dragon, Vladimir Strife. Wait.. Most of those guys are still around.. I love you guys!

With the impressive war drum/wind instrument/string instrument combination of their entrance song, the pair stop just at the end of the ramp and Ornstein crosses his arms over his chest as Samuels takes off in a sprint around the ring. He stops exact opposite of Ornstein, both men now facing their opponents in the center of the ring. At one of the rises in the music they both start dancing very awkwardly and the crowd goes insane, a few of them attempting to dance along with the music as well. Kade looks like a fish out of water with his arms and legs flailing about and Erik almost the exact opposite, even with arms “flailing” he’s still very stiff and abrupt with each motion.

JP: Ray, I think you need to teach these two how to dance. The music doesn’t flow through them like it should..

Ray: What?! Because I’m gay I automatically know how to dance? Didn’t you ever take into account that I’m also white?!

JP: Sorry.. But don’t you know how to dance?

Ray: So what if I do.. It’s not because I’m gay!

The music slowly fades out and Kade and Erik both climb onto the apron opposite each other before both men step between the middle ropes, ready for the tornado tag match to begin with the ringing of the bell.

[Cletus & Big Jim]

The four men come to blows the moment the Alliance boys are through the ropes. By the time the official calls for the bell Erik and Kade have the match well in hand. Erik is sitting pretty with Cletus locked in a camel clutch, while his ally has locked Big Jim in a Mexican surfboard. Cletus’ face contorts and his eyes wince at the feeling moving along his lower back, he struggles but cannot get free. Meanwhile, Big Jim grunts and strains, in an effort to turn the surfboard into something more advantageous, but doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere. At length, he shifts his weight backward, forcing Kade’s shoulders to the mat. The ref, still shaken, swoops in for a quick two count that gets him scornful looks and a good deal of flak from Mr. Oakley, but grants Jim a much needed reprieve. Erik, having cast Cletus aside, now gives the official a piece of his mind as well.



How smart is this, both of them jawing with the referee?



Don’t question the beautiful people JP! He was way off with that count, you can’t tell me his head was in the game. They’re only trying to keep him honest in this all important bout.



They’d do better to keep the pressure on the Logging Crew; it isn’t wise to give them this sort of recovery time.



The crowd agrees and orders his men back into the fray. They lay the lumbermen out such that their boots meet in the centre of the ring. Then, each man grabbing a Cletus ankle and a Big Jim ankle, and planting their own feet in the accompanying hip sockets, they perform an excoriating, if slightly comical, rowboat. The crowd laughs along with the Alliance, as the birlers cup their genitals in an effort to ease their over-extended groins.



The old rowboat! I haven’t seen this since Little Tokyo and Lord Littlebrook.



Well, I assure you that it’s as stupid a move in Concord as it was in Detroit all those years ago.



The fans love it, but I wouldn’t want to get too close to those two beast’s nether parts…



Come on, all the Alliance is doing here is pandering. That, and likely pissing the Logging Crew off.



The time for fun having passed, the Alliance discard their opposition. Freed, Big Jim slinks into the corner, curled upon himself in agony. The fan-favourites press their advantage on Cletus, dragging him to his feet before hooking him and raising him high into the air in a double suplex. The two journeymen hold him aloft, as the crowd cheers their show of strength and the blood rushes to the lumberjack’s head. The crash of all three men hitting the mat resonates through the arena as does Cletus’ wounded howl, much to the delight of the EVPW faithful. Kade then comes off the ropes and, with Cletus lying prone beneath him, he sails through the air until Erik pushes him down, spiking the big splash. The referee slides in to make the count, but the Beaubears Island native rolls his shoulder before the final three.



A close count there, Cletus just made it out. I wish he hadn’t…



He’s a tough nut, but the way things are going, he’s going to have to be.



Erik motions to his partner, indicating that he’s going after Big Jim, who is still coiled in corner. The big Viking turns him over and huge flash lights up the arena, as the woodsman does his best Ed Farhat impression, throwing a fireball. Erik stumbles backward, holding his face and crying in agony. Big Jim springs to his feet and delivers a DDT that puts his opposition on the mat. Kade, seeing this, leaves a battered Cletus to lend aid, but the bludgeoned brute holds on feebly to his leg, restraining him. A few kicks frees Mr. Oakley from the logger’s grip, but leaves him only enough time to turn and be subject to a low blow from the pulp hook prodigy. A huge groan echoes through the arena, as every man turtles at the sight of the nut shot. Big Jim is unfazed and, with the Alliance member cowed, he ties his adversary up before dropping him with a pump-handle slam.



Amazing comeback here by Jim! He’s clearly going to do whatever it takes to win this one.



I hate it when Jim gets behind someone like Kade; it should be me!



Yeah…I doubt you’d be pitching to a guy like Samuels…



The perverse pulp peeler now rouses his partner with a few stiff slaps across the face. Cletus shakes himself like a dog and appears ready to dish out some punishment. A whoop straight from the Nor’West Miramichi fills the air and the crowd jeers in reply. The Logging Crew venture over to a semi-conscious Erik, who is struggling to his feet; showing clear signs that his vision isn’t yet 100%. He doesn’t even see his adversaries close in on him until it’s too late. A barrage of double axe handles overwhelm him and the frantic flailing of his arms does little to stop it. It doesn’t take long before even Erik’s massive physique buckles and sinks to the canvas.



Textbook offence from the Logging Crew, you can tell by their faces that they’re enjoying this.



You can tell by their faces that their parents were probably siblings…



You’re gonna have to do better than that to get ahead of these guys, they’re tougher than woodpecker lips…Cletus told me that.



Now Kade begins to stir and the two woodsmen are quick to the attack. Caught coming in with an inverted atomic drop, courtesy of the man from the Black Rapids, the stunned middlewight falls into a vicious bearhug from the Beaubears Brute. Lifted into the air, in a show of strength by Cletus, Kade is in prime space for a Big Jim propelled clothesline; subjecting Mr. Oakley to a modified Hart Attack. Meanwhile, courageously displaying the intestinal fortitude that saw him through his harsh training, Erik is once again thrashing about, trying to get his feet under him. Cletus and Big Jim send him into the ropes with such force that his body turns over the top rope, but his head is caught between the first and second strand. Hung, and writhing to free himself, Cletus decides to scoot outside and hook the big man’s legs, allowing him to dangle helplessly. Believing his partner has the situation in hand, Big Jim turns to the downed man from California. Twisting his opponent in knots, Jim applies a Pentagram chokehold and relentlessly throttles. Kade passes out, and the referee drops his hand twice. Before the third and final drop, Jim releases the hold; he’s not done yet. While Cletus rains blows on the ever reddening head of Erik, Jim grabs a length of logging chain and wraps it around his fist. With a few sharp blows, he’s busted Samuels open. Cletus, seeing the blood, calls for a switch and begins delivering measured blows in order to open the laceration further.



Oh no! They’re bleeding! Make it stop JP! Make it stop!



Indeed it’s the first bloodletting, but unless I miss my guess it’s not the last one we’ll see in this match.



Tbcb -Alliance