KaHLaN vs. Chris Dolmeth (Submission or Bra 'N' Panties)

[Ciles Gorey]

As the first EVPW event after the brief hiatus begins to come to a close, with only two matches left to be decided the crowd are still in uproar. Their bloodlust was fed right from the get-go with the Logging Crew taking on the Alliance in a hardcore tag match, and their appreciation for the sport was satiated with the return of Phenomena taking on the likes of Shawn Scholes. The crowd paid for their whole seats but they only need the edge, the competitors' talent and the break from the excitement all at ring side have endured has built up just about as much anticipation as one building can hold.

"My God it's good to be back in the gymnasium Ray. Have I said that already tonight? Well if I have it just goes to show how much I've missed this, how much this means to every single individual who is involved with the company and that can go doubly for the fans here in attendance tonight."
"Couldn't agree with you more Jimmy, I've had to resort to scouring the internet to see my hot, sweaty, topless prime examples of man meat over the last few weeks. I feel depraved."
"And knowing that now, so do I."

Much to the relief of Jimmy Pate the conversation is interrupted by the guitar erupting from the building's sound system, and signals the impending arrival of the first competitor in the match up.



"So what the fuck are you going to do, kid?
Still ratting at the chains of the gates of the world...
But you can't quite pretend.
Still tasting youth's bitter exile here in your empty generation's wasteland,
Where all the things that you've been clinging to are being ripped from your hands."

Chris Dolmeth throws the heavy black curtain that separates the mysterious world of the backstage area - where pixies and gremlins reign supreme - from that of the gladiatorial arena where war is waged and where the pixies and gremlins with the biggest clubs reign supreme; so to speak. The curtain seems to hover there in mid-air, perfectly suspended for less than a second before collapsing down on itself and onto the frame of Dolmeth who has elected to actually emerge from the back rather than letting the curtain just fall back in place. He is a showman at heart, and wouldn't dream of killing off the momentum of the night by not making an appearance. His thick-soled, resin covered boots add extra height to his already impressive stature, adding further to the intimidating image the bearded brawler loves to utilise. His denim three-quarter trousers hang loosely from his legs and hips allowing unrestricted movement if he needs it (though the same cannot be said about his underwear, which he is currently finding quite restrictive). His leather jacket covers a white linen shirt which harbours a slightly more worrying garment underneath, but the Inglorious Bastard refuses to let on that the support actually feels quite nice. He marches down to the ring, his forced swagger still present.

"Well we haven't seen this man since before Total Carnage."
"Speak for yourself Jimmy. I see him every night when I dream..."
"Well, officially we haven't seen him since before Total Carnage where he and Vladimir Strife took a tumble from the suspended ring and into the wooden tables that surrounded the ring side."

"Restless soul this place will never be your home.
And if you wanna have it all...
You've gotta let it all go.
Before the adult world strings you up and skins your skinny bones clean to the bone.
'Cause all this time you've been searchin' for something real
And now the pressure is coming down on you.
You've gotta turn this despair inside out and turn it into your way out."

As the Adjudicator reaches up with his mammoth mitt and grasps the top rope, Lizzie stands tall and confident in the centre of the squared circle, her radiant beauty capturing the eyes of the male fans who kind of wish it was her and KaHLaN having a Bra 'n' Panties match, or mud wrestling, or just generally being scantily clad. She presses the microphone to her lips and announces the competitor's presence loudly.

"'Cause heaven knows you're sinking and I know we're much the same...
So cheers to our rebel hearts...
Not just another fuck you...
But a bedside love song for a chosen few.
We feel like we've been left in the wind to die in the dust...
With no one speaking to us...
So we are speaking up.
Throwing out our anchor against the fear.
Your revelation time is near.

"Ladies and gentlemen... this is tonight's Pre-Main Event and will only end if one of the competitors is forced to submit, or if one is completely stripped down to their bra and panties, depending on which match type they elect to compete under... Introducing first, from Northern England, he stands in at six foot six inches and weighs in at two hundred and seventy eight pounds! He is the Strapping Young Lad, CHRIS DOOOOLMETH!

By this time Chris has already entered the ring and is midway through projecting his jacket to the ring side, accompanied with a mixed reaction of boos from the majority but some cheers from those that have dubbed themselves "Methheads". Chris wanders over to the far corner of the ring, eagerly anticipating the arrival of KaHLaN and adjusting his sports bra.

TBCB: KaHLaN

[Slut (✿ ◕‿◕)]

"Do you like me?
I like me!"

The instrumental of “The Divinyls’” phenomenal tune, the rights to which was recently purchased by the EVPW organisation sends ripples of mass titillation throughout the arena. The fans make a stand up ovation, screaming cheers at the entrance stage as it falls beneath a shower of sparkly bright lights.

I love myself
I want you to love me

Kahlan bursts out of the darkness and lands in the middle of the sparkles, arms raised high above her head. She jumps right and then left playing up to the crowd’s excitement. She falls to a stop landing with an overdone, over used boring “crucifix pose” to which the fans still cheer. However quickly she raises her finger shacking it in denial –

I don’t want anybody else

Points at her marks grinning –

When I think about you

She bends her elbows and starts rubbing at the tips of her boobies under the layers of bra and white “Do you like me? I like me!” T-shirt.

I touch myself

With that she starts hopping in uneven bounces along the aisle and down to the ring touching hands on either side.

Inside the ring Lizzie Morna receives a wicked wink from the approaching participant and she returns it with one of her own. She quickly shuffles through her cards and brings her microphone up with a radiant smile. “And the opponent, from the better parts of the North East of England, Newcastle, weighing in at one-hundred-and-twenty-two-pounds, the most scintillating performer of the history out of England, the LaDDeR qUeeN, KaHLaN!”

The Cutting chick stumbles to an abrupt halt at the bottom of aisle and in front of a big hanging poster of herself posing in an orange swim suite. The fan who had brought it and was holding the poster at the front breaks a wide smile surrounded by his buddies as he sees that he has caught the attention of his favourite performer. As he shouts, whatever it is that a crazed fan would shout out, Kahlan walks over to the security railing and leans in, so much that her already scandalously short tartan skirt is raised to blushing new heights, and wraps her arms around the middle aged fan and plants a kiss right on his lips. The crowd explode.

Jimmy Pate: Wow!
Ray White: What is this! What is she doing!? Get into the ring you slut! This isn’t a cabaret’s show for Christ’s sake! Unbelievable!
Jimmy Pate: Jimmy, shut the hell up! For once, shut the hell up!

With the wolf whistles raining on, Kahlan finally breaks the embrace away from the dazed fan and makes her way up the steps and into the ring. The referee bestows her with an appraisal glance and calls for the ring. It’s official Dolmeth versus Clarkson. The battle of North has begun.


TBCB Dolmeth

[wolfie]

The upbeat classic song catches everyone off guard, and the lyrics that follow, all redone by a familiar voice and Mickey's name replaced by Kahlan's, draw the crowd into a frenzy. Roughly 30 seconds later the roof on the building is virtually blown away never to be seen again as Wolverina bursts out from behind the velvet veil. Much to everyone's surprise she is clad in yellow and black cheerleader attire and is waving same colored pom-poms. The sheer upbeat energy of Wolverina's wide smiling attitude and the song's infectious beat renders the place in a state of pandemonium. The People's Princess bounces up and down waving her pom-poms all the way down the ramp and around the ring, only stopping occasinally to sing the "Kahlan Kahlan you're so fine" lyric to her absolutely gobsmacked age old nemesis inside the ring. The fans are too caught up in Haven's return to even question the girl's unusual, sudden support of the Ladder Queen, a woman who has made Wolfie's life a living hell going on 5 years now. While the crowd may be liking this little show, Clarkson clearly isn't, her rope kicking and yelling all too telling of her anger and frustration.

JP: "Wolfie's back! Hot dog! This place has gone bonkers!"

Ray: "So has Kahlan. I have no idea what the hell is going on here. I thought Haven hated Kahlan? Obviously this isn't being well received by Miss Clarkson."

JP: "If I were a betting man I'd say she is playing mind games with Kahlan."

Ray: "Yeah or the last beating Kay gave her finally knocked some marbles loose."

The music slowly dies down and only leaves the fans loud chanting of Wolfie's name for the longest time. In a sudden burst, Wolfie does her trademark pose and rattles the pom-poms mightily whilst yelling "Kahlan, Kahlan, he's our man if he can't do it no one can."

Haven smiles innocently but her eyes belie it while Pretty K stands flabbergasted near the ropes, a small sneer formed at the mouth, visibly not amused at Wolverina's inquiry of her true gender. Kay should be more focused on Methhead, though, because he is closing in fast from behind the Kahlan is clueless to it all.

TBCB Whoever.

OOC: Use her for commentary and distractions for both parties, because she doesn't like either one, but wants to mess with Kahlan's head a little.

 

[Ciles Gorey]

OOC: I had to rewrite this shit, I fucked up saving the word document…

Never a gentleman Dolmeth is quick to capitalise on this momentary distraction and takes a firm hold of her azure locks and begins to pull his much smaller opponent to the centre of the ring. He delivers a stiff boot to her stomach, still with a handful of hair, and then forces her head between his thighs. A shit eating grin grows and emerges from behind the whiskers of his beard that dominates his face. He squats down, taking a hold around his opponent’s waist and hitches her up, onto his shoulders – his head now between her thighs.

“It’s early going in the match but Dolmeth already finds himself where every man in this building wants to be; underneath KaHLaN’s skirt and between her legs.”
“Ahem… EVERY man Mr. Pate?!”
“Alright I’ll rephrase that. Where every man, except for my broadcast colleague, wants to be. Better?”
“Better.”

The Inglorious Bastard attempts to throw his opponent down to the mat for a quick powerbomb, but the LaDDeR qUeeN carries the momentum onwards and manages to propel her opponent head first into the top turnbuckle. Dolmeth’s head whips back after impact, he was unfortunately unable to lessen the trauma by getting his hands up in time. The dazed giant stands in the corner and KaHLaN uses this moment to try and get an early lead in the match-up. She grabs onto the white shirt clings to her opponent’s figure and begins to rive like a rabid dog at a carcass. The sow at the arms begins to tear away and the top two buttons burst forth, likely landing in a poor punter’s pint. In an attempt to prevent the loss of the garment, the Strapping Young Lad lunges back blindly, catching his opponent with an elbow square on the top of the head. The stingy nature of the north shines through the bearded brawler as his frustrations at wasting money on a shirt become apparent through a flurry of lefts and rights are delivered to the woman that tried to remove his clothing moments ago (a surprisingly not uncommon site amongst the club scene in the competitor’s home region). The Tattooed Terror pummels Little K’s torso with his fists before stepping back, his right arm cocked to deliver the final blow. He steps forward, turning as he does so, and lunges with his elbow in an attempt to decapitate his opponent but no contact is made as miss Clarkson has ducked underneath the limb and planted both of her feet into the middle rope at the opposite end of the ring. The torque in the rope is enough ton springboard her backwards, she twists her body in mid-air and then spreads it out before she crashes into the chest of her opponent who is unable to get his hands up in time to catch her. Both bodies go careening down to the mat.

”KaHLaN ducks under the Blazin’ Elbow and manages to catch Dolmeth off guard with a springboard crossbody.”
”She’s still a force to be reckoned with in this company partner, and it’s the wherewithal to get out of the way and mount a counterattack that makes her one.”

The Special One wastes no time as her adversary is already making his way back to his feet and delivers a hellacious kick to the side and back of the Adjudicator’s head, her skirt riding up and revealing more of her backside and underwear to the crowd as the referee wonders if that counts as a piece of clothing that needs removing or not. Dolmeth’s body at first seems suspended in time as it doesn’t move after the enzuigiri but begins to teeter forward in due time and ultimately collapse, his face bouncing off of the mat like a knock-out victim in a world class boxing match.

”Oh no! I think Dolmeth might be hurt! Oh I better get in there and see if he’s alright…”
”I think he’ll be alright partner, we don’t want to interfe—hey wait a minute!”

Wolverina interrupts Jimmy Pate as she takes a seat next to him, taking a couple of seconds to put on a headset, it seems she’s decided to join the two men on commentary for the match.

”Hello Ray, Jimmy. Thought I’d just pop by to watch the match.”
”Well that’s nice I suppose, but do you have permission from anyone to be here-“
”Shh, KaHLaN’s on the top rope. Are you even watching the match?

And Wolverina speaks the truth as the Brits blitz is indeed preparing to go airborne. Her feet are placed on the turnbuckle, her hands holding the ropes and her arse flashing to the ecstatic fans behind her (one man is heard telling his mate “told ye we should’ve gotten them seat over that way, ye idiot.”). She flicks her head back and her hair resembles a wave as the blue locks follow behind. She watches Dolmeth as he makes his way back up to his feet and dives towards him before he turns around. She manages to grasp his head underneath her armpit and get both of her legs beside his body. Both turn in the ring, almost resembling a rehearsal for a ballet in their positions. The Strife Slayer tries to fall backwards and bring the Unorthodontist down, but he’s utilising his size and strength advantage, refusing to be brought down. Instead he straightens his back out and pushes upwards on the Double Lifter’s hips, launching her high into the air. The male competitor stumbles backwards whilst she begins to descend, her destination leaving her hanging gut first over the top rope. The Inglorious Bastard takes advantage of this vulnerable state the Fire Cracker finds herself in and places her in a headlock. He flexes his muscles, tightening his bicep and forearm around her head. He marches forward, knowing full well what he plans on doing with the dazed damsel whose feet are now hooked on the top rope, keeping her body suspended parallel to the canvas. Using his free hand, Dolmeth creates a fist and brings his elbow down in front of him twice. He reaffirms his grip again and lifts his left foot up into the air and, in a pendulum-like motion, swings it back, lunging his entire body down to the mat and leaving KaHLaN’s head to spike down on the mat.

”A rope-aided Breaking Bad this early in the match? That’ll certainly set the mood for the rest of this competition.”
”You sure said it Ra- er, Wolfie. It’ll be hard for KaHLaN to recover from such a nasty landing.”
”COME ON CHRIS! RIP HER CLOTHES OFF WHILST YOU HAVE THE CHANCE!”
”Never thought I’d hear you so enthusiastic about a woman having her clothing removed…”

TBCB: KaHLaN

[Slut (✿ ◕‿◕)]

To the particular annoying amusement of one Haven C. Wolverina Kahlan gets sprawled out on her back. Dolmeth seizes the opportunity and goes down to start pulling at the iconic T-shirt. Kahlan bursts to life rising part way to hook Dolmeth’s head under an arm as he lowers himself and wrap him completely with her openly willing legs.

JP: Tea Bag Choke! TEA BAG CHOKE! Kahlan has the Tea Bag Choke locked in! Dolmeth is in trouble!
Wolverina: What an idiot he walked right into it! Why is it that all these men are fooled so easily by the slight possibility of getting to a pair of tits!
RW: What?
JP: Can he escape? Oh the power of Dolmeth!

Chris finding himself in a precariously dangerous spot falls back to one thing he can always rely on in this match up and that is his sheer size advantage. The northerner starts to strain and pull, excruciatingly works his way up to his knees and further up to a squat. With Kahlan still stuck unrelenting onto Dolmeth the man heaves with effort and stands tall. Unexpectedly at this point, Kahlan suddenly lets go and lands on her feet nimble as a cat, hooks the crook of each of Dolmeth’s knees and plants him square on his back. She places a foot over his right thigh and wraps Chris’ long legs snugly around her own right leg. She turns and with her Chris turns onto his front.

JP: The Sharpshooter!
RW: It’s Kahlan with all the answers here and Dolmeth is finding it difficult to keep up with.
JP: He needs to worry about getting out of the submission hold or else it will be too late to keep up with anything.
RW: There we go; he is pulling himself to the ropes!

Soon Dolmeth reaches the far end ropes and that forces the referee to start a count for Kahlan to break. She lets go, turns to quickly slide out of the square and grab Dolmeth by his shaggy beard before he can pull away from the proximity of the side apron. She pulls him further out by the way of the beard in a show of some remarkable strength for a woman of her stature, hooks the head under one arm and falls back planting a devastating elevated DDT on the tiles of the outside.

Wolverina: OUCH!
RW: Good god!
JP: Kahlan might have just put Chris Dolmeth’s chances of winning this match and his career all together into a coma!

Kahlan herself quickly snaps up to her feet besides the haphazardly dispatched lump that is Dolmeth, dusts her hands off with a showmanship vigour and lays a salt in the wound like kick into the body at her feet. The official is too dumbstruck by the brutality of what just happened. He looks on with his jaw open while Kahlan forgets about Dolmeth and the match, starts her angry march around the ring and towards the announcer’s table.

JP: Uh-oh!
RW: What, why is she coming this way!
Wolverina: I think-

Before Wolfie is able to finish what she was about to say Kahlan dives over the table, head first flying into wolverine and toppling her seat and she herself both onto the ground. As Jimmy and Ray both bolt away from the scene a chaotic brawl pursues with a lot of hair pulling, name calling and dirty play to the audience’s complete delight. Both women fight themselves up to their feet somehow while being entangled together the entire time, the first break occurs when Wolfie throws Kahlan away with a massive shove. Kahlan goes over being struck into the security wall but the strength of the push was so much that she comically goes over it landing somewhere on the other side.

RW: That bitch is crazy! Why she comes here and attacks us!
JP: I believe she is attacking wolverine.
RW: She clearly just lunged at us all! I’m a victim of an assault, why are you taking her side in all of this!

Wolverina is about to go after Kahlan chasing, when a fuming Chris Dolmeth with a big lump on his forehead beats her to it and leans over the wall to grab two fistfuls of Kahlan’s locks. Wolfie used to this sort of uncalled for provocations quickly calms down smiles sweetly and shrugs her shoulders. She goes back to her announcing job, replaces her chair, puts on her casting headphones and takes a sit cheerfully beckoning Ray and Jimmy to join her.

Wolverina: Come one guys, you don’t want to miss out calling this beat down that is about to happen!

As Ray and Jimmy walk back to join her again, Dolmeath had managed to drag Kahlan back into the ring, albeit with a lot of cursing and slapping and punching, and a lot of struggle on Kahlan’s behalf as she tried to run away. Inside however, Kahlan suddenly regains some composure and goes for a roundhouse kick, out of the blue, but Dolmeth is the wiser of the two. He artlessly closes in the distance so much that only Kahlan’s thigh does a little hit on Chris’s gar like arm. Viciously, the thug of a man extracts revenge by grabbing the tip of each of Kahlan’s breasts and twisting sharply. Kahlan’s mouth pops open with a silent scream, her eyes tear and as Dolmeth’s grin gets toothier, Kahlan blurts out, “I…I’m soowwyyy!”

Wolverina: What did she say?!
RW: I didn’t hear it!
JP: Can Dolmeth do that? Isn’t that a disqualification sort of offence?! What is that stupid referee doing in there?!
Wolverina: Shut up Jimmy! That’s a hell of a submission move!

TBC