Rainbow Harvest: Revenge of the Stiff (Part 3)
Nov 13, 2013 0:23:02 GMT -4
Vladimir Strife and Envy like this
Post by Rhaps on Nov 13, 2013 0:23:02 GMT -4
The Rainbow Harvest is on the screen and the next scene begins in earnest. Ominous music that is so common to the Sith lords plays in the background whilst the recently suited figure of Darth Boner walks with a new found purpose. His breathing apparatus has been placed on his face awkwardly and he spends a few moments rearranging it and making sure that the gear is comfortably situated on his facial features. The music ceases while this happens, picking up again once they are sure that the former Jedi is now ready. Darth Boner starts walking in an intimidating fashion again but he stops after only a few strides. The music is cut once more, muted cursing following as he reaches down and shuffles the suit around a bit, trying to prevent as much chafing as possible. Darth Boner nods, more to himself rather than to anyone in particular, and the evil melody fills the air. The Sith’s entourage of evil keep pace behind him, this consisting of four clone troopers pulling the prototype Exlax Ray behind them.
They merry bunch of evildoers troop through the corridors in search of a specific door. This carries for far longer than is reasonable until the person formerly known as Vladikin Walkman spots what he is looking for and gesticulates wildly, standing to one side to allow the men to trundle past with the Exlax Ray in tow. They burst through the door whilst the four clone troopers begin whooping wildly, clearly overexcited after having indulged on one too many chocolate bars before their evil outing. There are a number of children inside the room the band of villains have entered and they look up, each and every one of them with startled expressions on their faces. The looming presence of Darth Boner keeps them glued firmly to the spot in fright before they hear the audible grunting of the clones shoving the dreaded prototype weapon into place. From the décor it quickly becomes obvious that these children are all training to be the Jedi Knights of the future and, as such, are sworn enemies of the Sith. Darth Boner begins chuckling maniacally and the clone troopers quickly join in.
Clone Troopers: Muhahahahahahahaha!
Darth Boner: Muhahahahahahahahahaha!
Clone Troopers: Muhahahahaha
Darth Boner: Enough merriment, we have a job to do. The future Emperor has demanded that Order 69 be carried out….
The Sith Lord is interrupted as the clone troopers behind him begin giggling like morons, halting the evil-doer’s monologue. He turns around on the spot, the breathing apparatus shifting awkwardly and cutting off Darth Boner’s ability to suck air into his lungs. He fumbles with it for a few moments and then the familiar rhythm of his breathing is restored. This elicits a fresh giggling fit from the Epelepto Fett clones. Darth Boner waits impatiently for them to regain their composure before the audible tapping of his foot follows in the face of yet more laughter.
Darth Boner: We will execute order 69….
Clone Trooper: Teehee, it’s a sex thing….
Darth Boner: Enough! The Emperor’s order will be executed and we will crush the Jedi scum with our Mycoxadrupin and a glorious new dawn will reign supreme across the Galaxy. Join me in a rousing chorus of malevolent laughter as we threaten these small children with the Exlax Ray.
The imposing figure of Darth Boner steps forward whilst glaring evilly at the assembled children; the Exlax Ray powering up ominously in the background. A few of the smarter students immediately take cover under anything they could use to block whatever insidious weapon the Sith Lord has brought with him and Darth Boner sighs, his twisted plans being put on hold due to the ineptitude of his followers and the uncanny wits of the Padawans. One of the Epelepto Fett clones charges headlong at his prey and he attempts to snatch the children and bring them into view to bear the brunt of their punishment. This continues unabated for a few moments before Darth Boner clears his throat, gaining the attention of everyone in the room as they stop what they are doing and listen to what he has to say.
Darth Boner: Ok, here’s what’s going to happen. This machine behind me was going to dispense cake and ice cream because you’re all being very naughty you won’t get to enjoy said sundries. Instead I’m going to give these to the nice children on Hoth. They would do anything just for an electric blanket and a radiator. You know how cold that place is? It’s so mind numbingly freezing that it should be called Coldth. So you can see why they deserve these delicious treats much more than you lot.
Children: Awwwww, pleeeease can we have the cake and ice cream?
Darth Boner pauses in his rhetoric for a moment, feigning a look of thoughtful resignation. After a few more seconds of this façade he shrugs his shoulders helplessly to signal that he has given in to their demands. Before he resumes speaking the Sith Lord places a hand under his chin thoughtfully before he comes up with an amazing idea that he must absolutely share with the group.
Darth Boner: Well alright but I can only give it to you on one condition. You must give up your Jedi training and live a life free of this boring discipline and training nonsense. Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be ice cream farmers and Pie Fighter Pilots, crushing the rebel scum with tasty and low calorie baked goods?
The collective cheering from the assembled children is enough to inform the strangely garbed man that his diabolical ploy has worked and he has effectively crippled the Jedi’s ability to train new recruits. Suspiciously, the Exlax Ray is still turned on as Darth Boner sweeps about the room dramatically, holding his hands aloft as if he is about to offer hugs to everyone in what is a truly glorious moment in their young lives.
Darth Boner: Muhahahahahaha, execute order 69.
Clone Trooper: Teehee, it’s still a sex thing.
The scene changes to that of the Jedi council room. The usual circle of chairs is clearly visible and Master Broda and Only One Cannoli are relaxing leisurely as the space traffic outside the window remains much the same. The other members of the Jedi council are milling about aimlessly and chatting to one another in quiet groups. This relative calm is immediately broken as a Jedi Padawan rushes in to the room. Gunfire can be heard behind him and a roar of flame is seen before the door snaps shut.
Padawan: Masters, the Galactic Republic has fallen and they are targeting us for embarrassment and humiliation. They are hell bent on making sure that we suffer the effects of their dastardly Mycoxadrupin so that we may never step out in public ever again, lest we reveal our awkward boners to the world. There is even talk of Imperial cat patrols to attack those inflicted with this terrible malady.
A contemplative silence follows as Master Broda rises from his chair and looks around at his colleagues, his wizened face crinkling with much thought. His friend, Only One Cannoli joins him at his side and they share a thought as both men nod at one another. Whatever passed between the two of them remained with them as the rest of the Jedi assembled in the room look nonplussed and frightened about what events will transpire next. They feel reassured by the presence of the Jedi Grandmaster, hanging on the words that are sure to follow and nullify their fear.
Master Broda: Master Cannoli and I have reached a consensus about what course of action we must take. I must face Darth Despidious and put an end to his plans while Master Cannoli will fight our former brother, Vladikin Walkman who has been swayed by the power of the dark side of the force.
Padawan: Master Broda, you are truly wise and brave to take on such a foe. We…..hang on, how do you know Vladikin turned to the dark side? Nobody said anything about that?
Master Broda: Oh, I thought you said Vladikin had been consumed by the dark side when you came in the room. You know what happened? I think I messed my lines up. Hang on, let me check the script.
Master Broda pauses and he withdraws back to his chair. He spends a few moments searching for something before pulling back a huge wad of paper that has been bound together to form a thick booklet. He flips through the pages and Master Only One Cannoli looks over his shoulder, pointing every now and again at particular passages. Eventually they find what they are looking for and Master Broda points his finger straight up in triumph.
Master Broda: AHA! I was right. You were supposed to say Vladikin Walkman had been consumed by the dark side of the force. See people….this is what happens when we get extras who don’t read the script. Talk about amateur hour. Anyway, I will continue as if nothing happened.
Only One Cannoli: I agree with your plan Master Broda. We must tackle this situation head on and as my apprentice I will be the one most suited to bringing down Vladikin before he brings more shame upon his head and maybe I can bring him back from the brink of the dark side.
Master Broda: No, you won’t be able to. See, it says right here on page 202 that you will fail. Anyway, we have only one chance at this. As for the rest of you, stay here and prepare to fall honourably.
Jedi Council Member: But Master Broda, can we not come with you?
Master Broda: No, you are what generals like to call, cannon fodder. Now go, fodder away with dignity gentleman.
Master Broda finishes talking just as the door which the Padawan entered through bursts open with a tremendous low budget explosion. Epelepto Fett clones burst through the remains of the door and they grab hold of any Jedi in reach before forcing their mouths open and cramming the spiked Mycoxadrupin down their gullet. They cough audibly at the roughness of their treatment whilst Master Broda and Only One Cannoli slip out unnoticed. They cast one final look at each other, somehow knowing that this would be the last time that they would see one another. It was almost like they had read the script.
Only One Cannoli marches with grim resolve as he follows the twists and turns of various corridors; not even looking where he is going. Rather, the Jedi is merely following his instincts and the sense of foreboding that increases with every one of his footfalls that brings him closer and closer to his former apprentice. After what may have felt like some hours, Only One Cannoli steps through the door that he had been looking for. He looks up and sees two figures facing one another. The first is clearly visible as that of Darth Boner; the giant leather suit and breathing apparatus an immediate give-away. The second is slightly smaller and definitely feminine which could only mean Pay-Me A Dolla.
The Jedi closes the distance between himself and the sound of their conversation wafts over to his ears. He decides to keep his presence a secret since he is more than a little curious as to what they could be saying and he liked to gossip at the annual Jedi Barbecue and this could provide some delicious conversation topics later. With a smirk, Only One Cannoli hunkers down out of view and listens carefully.
Pay-Me A Dolla: How can you do this to me Vladikin? How can you come in here looking like someone with a leather fetish and leave with me two children and a show-husband? You were supposed to be there constantly paying me and now you say you’ve made other arrangements and I don’t need to worry about money ever again. Don’t you understand it was never about the money? It was the enjoyment I got from simultaneously punching and extorting you.
Darth Boner: How many times? Its Darth….you know what, Vladikin IS better. Anyway, you’re missing the point. I’ll be second in command to the Emperor and that means we can have whatever we want.
Pay-Me A Dolla: I can’t believe you just said that. It’s like you don’t even know me. Let me ask you one last thing before this all ends in disaster, how come you never wore a sexy gimp suit like that whenever I asked you but now suddenly this ‘Emperor’ waves some cash at you and you break it out for him like he’s your mac daddy?
Darth Boner is taken aback at his fiancée’s words and he is unable to respond. Pay-Me A Dolla waits impatiently with her hands on her hips and the audible tapping of her shoe on the floor is the only sound in the room aside from Only One Cannoli’s muffled giggles. Darth Boner darts a look in his general direction, not sure if his ears are deceiving him or not. After a few seconds the Sith Lord hears nothing else untoward and he turns his attention back to the raging inferno that is Pay-Me’s anger.
Darth Boner: It’s not like that, not at all. The Emperor had one of his cronies slip me a Mycoxadrupin pill and now I have a permanent boner which makes it a little awkward to step outside without scaring people….
Pay-Me A Dolla: Please, you’re not that well-endowed.
Darth Boner: …..without scaring people and the suit is designed to hide it. So I have to wear this permanently. It will be best for the children as well, trust me on this.
Pay-Me A Dolla: If this is all true then it definitely means we can’t be together. I am not raising my children with a man I cannot extort and punch for money. You were good for at least eight thousand pounds so I’ll have all of this paid to me in full before we separate and you won’t see your adopted children ever again.
Pay-Me A Dolla suddenly snaps and unleashes a flurry of rights and lefts at the Sith Lord. Darth Boner holds his hands protectively over his head as he disappears under a barrage of the woman’s punches and his strangled cries of agony cause fresh torrents of suppressed laughter to be heard from Only One Cannoli’s general direction. The assault lasts only a few more moments before Pay-Me A Dolla’s brutal attack stops abruptly and she grasps her throat, small strangled noises escaping her lips. Darth Boner squeaks in alarm and he releases his hold on her, a panicked response out of instinct more than desire. The second she is released, Pay-Me A Dolla reaches into the Sith Lord’s pocket and takes his cheque book before storming off. Darth Boner calls after her limply.
Darth Boner: I’m sorry; I forgot to turn off the force.
Only One Cannoli decides that this is his moment to strike and he stands up in one smooth motion. Darth Boner takes a few steps back but doesn’t say a word, his monotonous breathing the only thing breaking the prevailing silence. The Jedi Master looks disappointed in his apprentice as he shakes his head sadly. The man formerly known as Vladikin Walkman ignores this and registers no emotional reaction to this encounter, having expected it to come since he too had read his script like the consummate professional. Only One Cannoli walks up to his protégé and both combatants remain silent before the Jedi finally clears his throat, a clear-cut signal that some words are about to be shared.
Only One Cannoli: I thought I would find you’re here Darth Boner. Trying to turn Pay-Me over to your wicked ways are we?
Only One Cannoli sneers at the Sith. He receives mocking laughter while the leather clad form of Vladikin Walkman reaches for his lightsaber, now coloured red to match his new preference of force shade. For all of his blustering, Only One Cannoli seems reluctant to join Darth Boner in battle and he stays his hand for the time being.
Only One Cannoli: I cannot believe that you, of all people, could be seduced by the dark side of the force. What was lacking in your life to cause this?
Darth Boner: Well, it was without a shadow of a doubt the Mycoxadrupin that I ingested and now this get-up is the only thing that spares me the embarrassment of everybody’s reaction. Tell me Only One Cannoli, which would you choose?
Only One Cannoli: Yeah, I’d have to go with the dark side as well. Nevertheless, you are now evil and I am pledged to rid the world of said evil. We must kung fu fight!
Only One Cannoli brandishes his own lightsaber and it shimmers into life. In just a few short seconds battle is joined and epic fight music can be heard in the background while the two men hack away at one another with their energy weapons. Bright flashes of light are emitted each and every time the two lightsabers connect, almost blinding the Jedi Master. Darth Boner quickly gains the advantage thanks to his awkward breathing apparatus making an effective shield against the glare from their weapons of choice for this duel.
The action continues unabated and it is truly relentless as both men work up quite a sweat. A leathery scrunching noise can be heard as Darth Boner continues to swing his energy sword about in the vain hope of disarming or disabling his nemesis quickly. The longer the fight continues, the more he becomes out of breath and soon condensation builds up on the inside of his mask. There are a few more clashes before the Sith deactivates his lightsaber and throws his hands up in a gesture that signifies his wish to parley with his enemy. Only One Cannoli nods politely and he to turns of his lightsaber. Darth Boner takes a seat and begins to push his suit this way and that as he tries to find some way to alleviate his discomfort. However, a solution is not forthcoming.
Darth Boner: Do you mind if we call this a draw? This leather suit is chafing quite a bit and I’ve had a visit from my old friend Betty Swollocks.
Only One Cannoli: I think on this occasion I can support that decision. It was rather creepy fighting a dude who looks like a gimp.
Darth Boner: Oh dear Force, I do not look like a gimp!
Only One Cannoli: Whatever helps you sleep at night. Well I think I’ll go live on a desert planet for twenty years and we can resume our fight then. Just make me one promise, don’t turn me into a pile of laundry or anything equally odd. I want my demise to be suitably badass.
Darth Boner nods his assent and he puts his hand out for his Jedi counterpart to shake. Only One Cannoli reciprocates this action but before the handshake can be completed a primeval scream pierces the still air and Pay-Me A Dolla charges into view with her fists raised. Darth Boner offers a frightened squeal in alarm before he is taken down to the ground by his former fiancée. She immediately lays into him with a stream of right and left hand punches that rob him all of his senses and he curls into a ball, not being able to do much to stop this renegade woman from attacking him. Only One Cannoli stands to one side and twiddles his thumbs, not sure what he should be doing with himself. Nothing else can be heard except Pay Me’s relentless screams of loathing and a few weak groans in response from the Sith Lord.
A graphic appears on the screen that reads ‘two weeks later’ and a visibly bored Only One Cannoli has built himself a fort made out of pillows and he is now reading a book while sporting a pair of ear muffs to drown out the sound of Darth Boner’s arse kicking. Pay-Me A Dolla has several drinks placed on a folding table to one side and a myriad of discarded energy bottle drinks can be seen on the floor. Beneath her, Darth Boner lies in an almost catatonic state. She continues to pummel him with punches while counting under her breath. After a few minutes of this she ceases her merciless barrage and stands over her fallen prey, smiling triumphantly.
Pay-Me A Dolla: There, that’s eight thousand punches. Now we’re even.
Pay-Me A Dolla smiles happily before turning on her heels and leaving. Darth Boner remains motionless and his Jedi counterpart remains blissfully unaware of his condition and the fact that the young woman has left. A stage hand appears and taps Only One Cannoli on the shoulder, rousing him from his book. The situation is hastily explained to him and he guffaws before he too walks out of view of the camera, leaving a broken Darth Boner lying supine on the ground.
The scene changes quickly and Master Broda is walking back through the senate building, his face now a mask of grim resolve as he holds his lightsaber in his hand as he readies himself for the battle to come. The building is in stark contrast to the way he last saw the Jedi building. Here the troops are calm and nobody is being attacked. The thought of his compatriots suffering at the hands of the vile Mycoxadrupin makes the Jedi Master physically shake with anger and he has to control his emotions, lest he too make a boring and predictable turn to the dark side.
The Jedi Master hastily ducks to one side, out of view of a squadron of clone troopers as they march. He remains unnoticed and he steps back into the corridor once the coast is clear. Ahead of him the doors to Chancellor Desperatine’s office looms ominously. Master Broda seems oddly detached as he approaches the door and they open at his presence. Chancellor Desperatine is sitting at his desk and he has a mountain of paperwork being swept up by a number of droids while the Sith cackles at the sight, clearly pleased with finding a way of getting out of having to do it. He looks up as Master Broda enters his office and upon seeing the Jedi he places his face into his palms, not expecting this moment to have occurred so quickly.
Chancellor Desperatine: Broda, what the hell do you want? I’ve got a lot of work to do and I really don’t have time to deal with the hassle that you always bring into these meeting0s. There’s an opening next Friday at 2PM. We can have a lightsaber duel then, how does that sound?
Master Broda: Work, it does not Desperatine Chancellor…
Chancellor Desperatine: We’re not doing that mystical Jedi Master nonsense today Broda. If you want a fight then a fight we shall have. Defend yourself from the tyranny of Darth Despidious.
Master Broda: Well that was not much of a pre-amble to begin our duel. What happened to dramatic tension?
Chancellor Desperatine: With all due respect, I think we really should get on with the fight. Have you seen how long this promo is already? I don’t think any reader has even made it this far.
Master Broda nods in response, begrudgingly agreeing with the wisdom of the Chancellor’s words. The Sith Lord pulls a hood up over his head to make himself look even more menacing and he turns on his lightsaber. Master Broda follows suit and soon the two of them are fighting with one another while the same battle music from earlier plays in the background. Master Broda begins flipping out of nowhere, landing a few good hits on his nemesis and causing him to cry out in surprise. Darth Despidious rallies his might as he deflects a few more blows of Broda’s lightsaber. Despite this, the Jedi Master gets the upper hand and manages to parry a clumsy strike, sending the Sith’s weapon clattering to the floor. Chancellor Desperatine sneers in arrogance as he raises his hands.
Lightning erupts from the former politician’s hands and it smashes into Master Broda’s solar plexus, hurling him across the room and landing unceremoniously in a heap on the floor. A dull thud accompanies the display; Chancellor Desperatine looking on and mocking his foe with his malevolent laughter. The Jedi Master stands up weakly but he is far from defeated. He raises his own battered paws and he clenches his eyes in concentration. The Sith Lord thinks nothing of it until he hears a creaking of metal somewhere above him, far up in the recesses of the roof space. His world becomes a motion blur as a huge portion of the ceiling is ripped out and falls toward him with frightening velocity. Only the Sith’s guile and cunning save him as he dives out of the way and the huge chunk of metal crushes his desk. Darth Despidious looks at the shattered remains of his table and begins to sob softly, a resolute Master Broda unfathomable in his will to destroy his evil.
Chancellor Desperatine: That desk cost me five thousand dollars! That was the best desk I ever owned and you just wantonly destroyed with your mystical Jedi powers and you have the gall to call me evil.
Master Broda: I cannot allow your tyranny to stand Despidious. You have corrupted too many good men and used them for your own ends and I shall vanquish you on this day.
Chancellor Desperatine: Well, you’re just a midget who has no friends. Seriously, I heard all the other Jedi standing around the Jedi fountain all saying how they think you’re just a little bitch. They even have nicknames for you. What was it? Ah yes, Useless Muppet with Frank Oz’s hand up your butt-boy.
Master Broda: That is too far! You know what, screw this battle. I’m going to live on a swamp planet for a few years.
Master Broda walks over to his fallen lightsaber and picks it up sulkily before heading for the door. Chancellor Desperatine does his level best to disguise his merriment of the situation as he watches the retreating figure. Eventually the Jedi Master leaves his office and his cackle of delight erupts instantly. The door reopens quickly and Master Broda pokes his head in.
Master Broda: Die you will at the end of the saga!
Chancellor Desperatine: DAMN IT!
The next scene begins in earnest and a graphic is seen on the screen with the words ‘six months later.’ A huge Star Destroyer drifts through space and immediately behind it the Galactic Empire has begun construction on a massive new battle station in the shape of a small moon. The scene smash cuts to a view inside the Star Destroyer. Darth Boner is visible in the foreground and the Emperor is standing next to him, looking upon his creation with a certain amount of pride. Darth Boner nods his approval.
Darth Boner: The progress on your new retirement home is coming along nicely Master. Soon the Near-Death Star will be operational and no force in the galaxy will be able to stop us. I am also pleased to inform you that work on a better version of the Exlax Ray has already started.
Emperor Desperatine: Good. I want everyone in the galaxy to fear our fire power and I shall have the best retirement home from which to do it. You have served me well and will continue to do so I am sure.
Darth Boner doesn’t reply immediately. A thought had been nagging at him for quite some time and he was not quite sure what the best moment for him to broach it would be. The Sith Lord fidgets nervously before plucking up the courage to ask his question.
Darth Boner: Master, I have been thinking about my condition. We’re building all of these evil things with which to dominate the galaxy so I was thinking; perhaps we could develop something that could cure my….condition. I would like to be able to take this suit off at some point and maybe see my children.
Emperor Desperatine: Unfortunately there has been no official answer on how to cure the effects of the Mycoxadrupin and such a cure would be dangerous. I wouldn’t worry about your children though. You probably won’t see them again and if you do they will probably be inconsequential. Unless somehow your son learns of the force and decides to fight you twenty years from now and your daughter becomes the de facto leader of some sort of rebellion against us. Oh, and one other thing you should know. While you’re wearing that suit you’ll never be able to have sex ever again.
Darth Boner: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The scene fades to black and the end credits begin playing. The End.
OOC: Thank you to everyone who managed to read the whole thing and thank you to anyone who read only one part, every little helps. I hope you enjoyed it and as always, feedback and comments are welcome.
They merry bunch of evildoers troop through the corridors in search of a specific door. This carries for far longer than is reasonable until the person formerly known as Vladikin Walkman spots what he is looking for and gesticulates wildly, standing to one side to allow the men to trundle past with the Exlax Ray in tow. They burst through the door whilst the four clone troopers begin whooping wildly, clearly overexcited after having indulged on one too many chocolate bars before their evil outing. There are a number of children inside the room the band of villains have entered and they look up, each and every one of them with startled expressions on their faces. The looming presence of Darth Boner keeps them glued firmly to the spot in fright before they hear the audible grunting of the clones shoving the dreaded prototype weapon into place. From the décor it quickly becomes obvious that these children are all training to be the Jedi Knights of the future and, as such, are sworn enemies of the Sith. Darth Boner begins chuckling maniacally and the clone troopers quickly join in.
Clone Troopers: Muhahahahahahahaha!
Darth Boner: Muhahahahahahahahahaha!
Clone Troopers: Muhahahahaha
Darth Boner: Enough merriment, we have a job to do. The future Emperor has demanded that Order 69 be carried out….
The Sith Lord is interrupted as the clone troopers behind him begin giggling like morons, halting the evil-doer’s monologue. He turns around on the spot, the breathing apparatus shifting awkwardly and cutting off Darth Boner’s ability to suck air into his lungs. He fumbles with it for a few moments and then the familiar rhythm of his breathing is restored. This elicits a fresh giggling fit from the Epelepto Fett clones. Darth Boner waits impatiently for them to regain their composure before the audible tapping of his foot follows in the face of yet more laughter.
Darth Boner: We will execute order 69….
Clone Trooper: Teehee, it’s a sex thing….
Darth Boner: Enough! The Emperor’s order will be executed and we will crush the Jedi scum with our Mycoxadrupin and a glorious new dawn will reign supreme across the Galaxy. Join me in a rousing chorus of malevolent laughter as we threaten these small children with the Exlax Ray.
The imposing figure of Darth Boner steps forward whilst glaring evilly at the assembled children; the Exlax Ray powering up ominously in the background. A few of the smarter students immediately take cover under anything they could use to block whatever insidious weapon the Sith Lord has brought with him and Darth Boner sighs, his twisted plans being put on hold due to the ineptitude of his followers and the uncanny wits of the Padawans. One of the Epelepto Fett clones charges headlong at his prey and he attempts to snatch the children and bring them into view to bear the brunt of their punishment. This continues unabated for a few moments before Darth Boner clears his throat, gaining the attention of everyone in the room as they stop what they are doing and listen to what he has to say.
Darth Boner: Ok, here’s what’s going to happen. This machine behind me was going to dispense cake and ice cream because you’re all being very naughty you won’t get to enjoy said sundries. Instead I’m going to give these to the nice children on Hoth. They would do anything just for an electric blanket and a radiator. You know how cold that place is? It’s so mind numbingly freezing that it should be called Coldth. So you can see why they deserve these delicious treats much more than you lot.
Children: Awwwww, pleeeease can we have the cake and ice cream?
Darth Boner pauses in his rhetoric for a moment, feigning a look of thoughtful resignation. After a few more seconds of this façade he shrugs his shoulders helplessly to signal that he has given in to their demands. Before he resumes speaking the Sith Lord places a hand under his chin thoughtfully before he comes up with an amazing idea that he must absolutely share with the group.
Darth Boner: Well alright but I can only give it to you on one condition. You must give up your Jedi training and live a life free of this boring discipline and training nonsense. Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be ice cream farmers and Pie Fighter Pilots, crushing the rebel scum with tasty and low calorie baked goods?
The collective cheering from the assembled children is enough to inform the strangely garbed man that his diabolical ploy has worked and he has effectively crippled the Jedi’s ability to train new recruits. Suspiciously, the Exlax Ray is still turned on as Darth Boner sweeps about the room dramatically, holding his hands aloft as if he is about to offer hugs to everyone in what is a truly glorious moment in their young lives.
Darth Boner: Muhahahahahaha, execute order 69.
Clone Trooper: Teehee, it’s still a sex thing.
* * *
The scene changes to that of the Jedi council room. The usual circle of chairs is clearly visible and Master Broda and Only One Cannoli are relaxing leisurely as the space traffic outside the window remains much the same. The other members of the Jedi council are milling about aimlessly and chatting to one another in quiet groups. This relative calm is immediately broken as a Jedi Padawan rushes in to the room. Gunfire can be heard behind him and a roar of flame is seen before the door snaps shut.
Padawan: Masters, the Galactic Republic has fallen and they are targeting us for embarrassment and humiliation. They are hell bent on making sure that we suffer the effects of their dastardly Mycoxadrupin so that we may never step out in public ever again, lest we reveal our awkward boners to the world. There is even talk of Imperial cat patrols to attack those inflicted with this terrible malady.
A contemplative silence follows as Master Broda rises from his chair and looks around at his colleagues, his wizened face crinkling with much thought. His friend, Only One Cannoli joins him at his side and they share a thought as both men nod at one another. Whatever passed between the two of them remained with them as the rest of the Jedi assembled in the room look nonplussed and frightened about what events will transpire next. They feel reassured by the presence of the Jedi Grandmaster, hanging on the words that are sure to follow and nullify their fear.
Master Broda: Master Cannoli and I have reached a consensus about what course of action we must take. I must face Darth Despidious and put an end to his plans while Master Cannoli will fight our former brother, Vladikin Walkman who has been swayed by the power of the dark side of the force.
Padawan: Master Broda, you are truly wise and brave to take on such a foe. We…..hang on, how do you know Vladikin turned to the dark side? Nobody said anything about that?
Master Broda: Oh, I thought you said Vladikin had been consumed by the dark side when you came in the room. You know what happened? I think I messed my lines up. Hang on, let me check the script.
Master Broda pauses and he withdraws back to his chair. He spends a few moments searching for something before pulling back a huge wad of paper that has been bound together to form a thick booklet. He flips through the pages and Master Only One Cannoli looks over his shoulder, pointing every now and again at particular passages. Eventually they find what they are looking for and Master Broda points his finger straight up in triumph.
Master Broda: AHA! I was right. You were supposed to say Vladikin Walkman had been consumed by the dark side of the force. See people….this is what happens when we get extras who don’t read the script. Talk about amateur hour. Anyway, I will continue as if nothing happened.
Only One Cannoli: I agree with your plan Master Broda. We must tackle this situation head on and as my apprentice I will be the one most suited to bringing down Vladikin before he brings more shame upon his head and maybe I can bring him back from the brink of the dark side.
Master Broda: No, you won’t be able to. See, it says right here on page 202 that you will fail. Anyway, we have only one chance at this. As for the rest of you, stay here and prepare to fall honourably.
Jedi Council Member: But Master Broda, can we not come with you?
Master Broda: No, you are what generals like to call, cannon fodder. Now go, fodder away with dignity gentleman.
Master Broda finishes talking just as the door which the Padawan entered through bursts open with a tremendous low budget explosion. Epelepto Fett clones burst through the remains of the door and they grab hold of any Jedi in reach before forcing their mouths open and cramming the spiked Mycoxadrupin down their gullet. They cough audibly at the roughness of their treatment whilst Master Broda and Only One Cannoli slip out unnoticed. They cast one final look at each other, somehow knowing that this would be the last time that they would see one another. It was almost like they had read the script.
* * *
Only One Cannoli marches with grim resolve as he follows the twists and turns of various corridors; not even looking where he is going. Rather, the Jedi is merely following his instincts and the sense of foreboding that increases with every one of his footfalls that brings him closer and closer to his former apprentice. After what may have felt like some hours, Only One Cannoli steps through the door that he had been looking for. He looks up and sees two figures facing one another. The first is clearly visible as that of Darth Boner; the giant leather suit and breathing apparatus an immediate give-away. The second is slightly smaller and definitely feminine which could only mean Pay-Me A Dolla.
The Jedi closes the distance between himself and the sound of their conversation wafts over to his ears. He decides to keep his presence a secret since he is more than a little curious as to what they could be saying and he liked to gossip at the annual Jedi Barbecue and this could provide some delicious conversation topics later. With a smirk, Only One Cannoli hunkers down out of view and listens carefully.
Pay-Me A Dolla: How can you do this to me Vladikin? How can you come in here looking like someone with a leather fetish and leave with me two children and a show-husband? You were supposed to be there constantly paying me and now you say you’ve made other arrangements and I don’t need to worry about money ever again. Don’t you understand it was never about the money? It was the enjoyment I got from simultaneously punching and extorting you.
Darth Boner: How many times? Its Darth….you know what, Vladikin IS better. Anyway, you’re missing the point. I’ll be second in command to the Emperor and that means we can have whatever we want.
Pay-Me A Dolla: I can’t believe you just said that. It’s like you don’t even know me. Let me ask you one last thing before this all ends in disaster, how come you never wore a sexy gimp suit like that whenever I asked you but now suddenly this ‘Emperor’ waves some cash at you and you break it out for him like he’s your mac daddy?
Darth Boner is taken aback at his fiancée’s words and he is unable to respond. Pay-Me A Dolla waits impatiently with her hands on her hips and the audible tapping of her shoe on the floor is the only sound in the room aside from Only One Cannoli’s muffled giggles. Darth Boner darts a look in his general direction, not sure if his ears are deceiving him or not. After a few seconds the Sith Lord hears nothing else untoward and he turns his attention back to the raging inferno that is Pay-Me’s anger.
Darth Boner: It’s not like that, not at all. The Emperor had one of his cronies slip me a Mycoxadrupin pill and now I have a permanent boner which makes it a little awkward to step outside without scaring people….
Pay-Me A Dolla: Please, you’re not that well-endowed.
Darth Boner: …..without scaring people and the suit is designed to hide it. So I have to wear this permanently. It will be best for the children as well, trust me on this.
Pay-Me A Dolla: If this is all true then it definitely means we can’t be together. I am not raising my children with a man I cannot extort and punch for money. You were good for at least eight thousand pounds so I’ll have all of this paid to me in full before we separate and you won’t see your adopted children ever again.
Pay-Me A Dolla suddenly snaps and unleashes a flurry of rights and lefts at the Sith Lord. Darth Boner holds his hands protectively over his head as he disappears under a barrage of the woman’s punches and his strangled cries of agony cause fresh torrents of suppressed laughter to be heard from Only One Cannoli’s general direction. The assault lasts only a few more moments before Pay-Me A Dolla’s brutal attack stops abruptly and she grasps her throat, small strangled noises escaping her lips. Darth Boner squeaks in alarm and he releases his hold on her, a panicked response out of instinct more than desire. The second she is released, Pay-Me A Dolla reaches into the Sith Lord’s pocket and takes his cheque book before storming off. Darth Boner calls after her limply.
Darth Boner: I’m sorry; I forgot to turn off the force.
Only One Cannoli decides that this is his moment to strike and he stands up in one smooth motion. Darth Boner takes a few steps back but doesn’t say a word, his monotonous breathing the only thing breaking the prevailing silence. The Jedi Master looks disappointed in his apprentice as he shakes his head sadly. The man formerly known as Vladikin Walkman ignores this and registers no emotional reaction to this encounter, having expected it to come since he too had read his script like the consummate professional. Only One Cannoli walks up to his protégé and both combatants remain silent before the Jedi finally clears his throat, a clear-cut signal that some words are about to be shared.
Only One Cannoli: I thought I would find you’re here Darth Boner. Trying to turn Pay-Me over to your wicked ways are we?
Only One Cannoli sneers at the Sith. He receives mocking laughter while the leather clad form of Vladikin Walkman reaches for his lightsaber, now coloured red to match his new preference of force shade. For all of his blustering, Only One Cannoli seems reluctant to join Darth Boner in battle and he stays his hand for the time being.
Only One Cannoli: I cannot believe that you, of all people, could be seduced by the dark side of the force. What was lacking in your life to cause this?
Darth Boner: Well, it was without a shadow of a doubt the Mycoxadrupin that I ingested and now this get-up is the only thing that spares me the embarrassment of everybody’s reaction. Tell me Only One Cannoli, which would you choose?
Only One Cannoli: Yeah, I’d have to go with the dark side as well. Nevertheless, you are now evil and I am pledged to rid the world of said evil. We must kung fu fight!
Only One Cannoli brandishes his own lightsaber and it shimmers into life. In just a few short seconds battle is joined and epic fight music can be heard in the background while the two men hack away at one another with their energy weapons. Bright flashes of light are emitted each and every time the two lightsabers connect, almost blinding the Jedi Master. Darth Boner quickly gains the advantage thanks to his awkward breathing apparatus making an effective shield against the glare from their weapons of choice for this duel.
The action continues unabated and it is truly relentless as both men work up quite a sweat. A leathery scrunching noise can be heard as Darth Boner continues to swing his energy sword about in the vain hope of disarming or disabling his nemesis quickly. The longer the fight continues, the more he becomes out of breath and soon condensation builds up on the inside of his mask. There are a few more clashes before the Sith deactivates his lightsaber and throws his hands up in a gesture that signifies his wish to parley with his enemy. Only One Cannoli nods politely and he to turns of his lightsaber. Darth Boner takes a seat and begins to push his suit this way and that as he tries to find some way to alleviate his discomfort. However, a solution is not forthcoming.
Darth Boner: Do you mind if we call this a draw? This leather suit is chafing quite a bit and I’ve had a visit from my old friend Betty Swollocks.
Only One Cannoli: I think on this occasion I can support that decision. It was rather creepy fighting a dude who looks like a gimp.
Darth Boner: Oh dear Force, I do not look like a gimp!
Only One Cannoli: Whatever helps you sleep at night. Well I think I’ll go live on a desert planet for twenty years and we can resume our fight then. Just make me one promise, don’t turn me into a pile of laundry or anything equally odd. I want my demise to be suitably badass.
Darth Boner nods his assent and he puts his hand out for his Jedi counterpart to shake. Only One Cannoli reciprocates this action but before the handshake can be completed a primeval scream pierces the still air and Pay-Me A Dolla charges into view with her fists raised. Darth Boner offers a frightened squeal in alarm before he is taken down to the ground by his former fiancée. She immediately lays into him with a stream of right and left hand punches that rob him all of his senses and he curls into a ball, not being able to do much to stop this renegade woman from attacking him. Only One Cannoli stands to one side and twiddles his thumbs, not sure what he should be doing with himself. Nothing else can be heard except Pay Me’s relentless screams of loathing and a few weak groans in response from the Sith Lord.
A graphic appears on the screen that reads ‘two weeks later’ and a visibly bored Only One Cannoli has built himself a fort made out of pillows and he is now reading a book while sporting a pair of ear muffs to drown out the sound of Darth Boner’s arse kicking. Pay-Me A Dolla has several drinks placed on a folding table to one side and a myriad of discarded energy bottle drinks can be seen on the floor. Beneath her, Darth Boner lies in an almost catatonic state. She continues to pummel him with punches while counting under her breath. After a few minutes of this she ceases her merciless barrage and stands over her fallen prey, smiling triumphantly.
Pay-Me A Dolla: There, that’s eight thousand punches. Now we’re even.
Pay-Me A Dolla smiles happily before turning on her heels and leaving. Darth Boner remains motionless and his Jedi counterpart remains blissfully unaware of his condition and the fact that the young woman has left. A stage hand appears and taps Only One Cannoli on the shoulder, rousing him from his book. The situation is hastily explained to him and he guffaws before he too walks out of view of the camera, leaving a broken Darth Boner lying supine on the ground.
* * *
The scene changes quickly and Master Broda is walking back through the senate building, his face now a mask of grim resolve as he holds his lightsaber in his hand as he readies himself for the battle to come. The building is in stark contrast to the way he last saw the Jedi building. Here the troops are calm and nobody is being attacked. The thought of his compatriots suffering at the hands of the vile Mycoxadrupin makes the Jedi Master physically shake with anger and he has to control his emotions, lest he too make a boring and predictable turn to the dark side.
The Jedi Master hastily ducks to one side, out of view of a squadron of clone troopers as they march. He remains unnoticed and he steps back into the corridor once the coast is clear. Ahead of him the doors to Chancellor Desperatine’s office looms ominously. Master Broda seems oddly detached as he approaches the door and they open at his presence. Chancellor Desperatine is sitting at his desk and he has a mountain of paperwork being swept up by a number of droids while the Sith cackles at the sight, clearly pleased with finding a way of getting out of having to do it. He looks up as Master Broda enters his office and upon seeing the Jedi he places his face into his palms, not expecting this moment to have occurred so quickly.
Chancellor Desperatine: Broda, what the hell do you want? I’ve got a lot of work to do and I really don’t have time to deal with the hassle that you always bring into these meeting0s. There’s an opening next Friday at 2PM. We can have a lightsaber duel then, how does that sound?
Master Broda: Work, it does not Desperatine Chancellor…
Chancellor Desperatine: We’re not doing that mystical Jedi Master nonsense today Broda. If you want a fight then a fight we shall have. Defend yourself from the tyranny of Darth Despidious.
Master Broda: Well that was not much of a pre-amble to begin our duel. What happened to dramatic tension?
Chancellor Desperatine: With all due respect, I think we really should get on with the fight. Have you seen how long this promo is already? I don’t think any reader has even made it this far.
Master Broda nods in response, begrudgingly agreeing with the wisdom of the Chancellor’s words. The Sith Lord pulls a hood up over his head to make himself look even more menacing and he turns on his lightsaber. Master Broda follows suit and soon the two of them are fighting with one another while the same battle music from earlier plays in the background. Master Broda begins flipping out of nowhere, landing a few good hits on his nemesis and causing him to cry out in surprise. Darth Despidious rallies his might as he deflects a few more blows of Broda’s lightsaber. Despite this, the Jedi Master gets the upper hand and manages to parry a clumsy strike, sending the Sith’s weapon clattering to the floor. Chancellor Desperatine sneers in arrogance as he raises his hands.
Lightning erupts from the former politician’s hands and it smashes into Master Broda’s solar plexus, hurling him across the room and landing unceremoniously in a heap on the floor. A dull thud accompanies the display; Chancellor Desperatine looking on and mocking his foe with his malevolent laughter. The Jedi Master stands up weakly but he is far from defeated. He raises his own battered paws and he clenches his eyes in concentration. The Sith Lord thinks nothing of it until he hears a creaking of metal somewhere above him, far up in the recesses of the roof space. His world becomes a motion blur as a huge portion of the ceiling is ripped out and falls toward him with frightening velocity. Only the Sith’s guile and cunning save him as he dives out of the way and the huge chunk of metal crushes his desk. Darth Despidious looks at the shattered remains of his table and begins to sob softly, a resolute Master Broda unfathomable in his will to destroy his evil.
Chancellor Desperatine: That desk cost me five thousand dollars! That was the best desk I ever owned and you just wantonly destroyed with your mystical Jedi powers and you have the gall to call me evil.
Master Broda: I cannot allow your tyranny to stand Despidious. You have corrupted too many good men and used them for your own ends and I shall vanquish you on this day.
Chancellor Desperatine: Well, you’re just a midget who has no friends. Seriously, I heard all the other Jedi standing around the Jedi fountain all saying how they think you’re just a little bitch. They even have nicknames for you. What was it? Ah yes, Useless Muppet with Frank Oz’s hand up your butt-boy.
Master Broda: That is too far! You know what, screw this battle. I’m going to live on a swamp planet for a few years.
Master Broda walks over to his fallen lightsaber and picks it up sulkily before heading for the door. Chancellor Desperatine does his level best to disguise his merriment of the situation as he watches the retreating figure. Eventually the Jedi Master leaves his office and his cackle of delight erupts instantly. The door reopens quickly and Master Broda pokes his head in.
Master Broda: Die you will at the end of the saga!
Chancellor Desperatine: DAMN IT!
* * *
The next scene begins in earnest and a graphic is seen on the screen with the words ‘six months later.’ A huge Star Destroyer drifts through space and immediately behind it the Galactic Empire has begun construction on a massive new battle station in the shape of a small moon. The scene smash cuts to a view inside the Star Destroyer. Darth Boner is visible in the foreground and the Emperor is standing next to him, looking upon his creation with a certain amount of pride. Darth Boner nods his approval.
Darth Boner: The progress on your new retirement home is coming along nicely Master. Soon the Near-Death Star will be operational and no force in the galaxy will be able to stop us. I am also pleased to inform you that work on a better version of the Exlax Ray has already started.
Emperor Desperatine: Good. I want everyone in the galaxy to fear our fire power and I shall have the best retirement home from which to do it. You have served me well and will continue to do so I am sure.
Darth Boner doesn’t reply immediately. A thought had been nagging at him for quite some time and he was not quite sure what the best moment for him to broach it would be. The Sith Lord fidgets nervously before plucking up the courage to ask his question.
Darth Boner: Master, I have been thinking about my condition. We’re building all of these evil things with which to dominate the galaxy so I was thinking; perhaps we could develop something that could cure my….condition. I would like to be able to take this suit off at some point and maybe see my children.
Emperor Desperatine: Unfortunately there has been no official answer on how to cure the effects of the Mycoxadrupin and such a cure would be dangerous. I wouldn’t worry about your children though. You probably won’t see them again and if you do they will probably be inconsequential. Unless somehow your son learns of the force and decides to fight you twenty years from now and your daughter becomes the de facto leader of some sort of rebellion against us. Oh, and one other thing you should know. While you’re wearing that suit you’ll never be able to have sex ever again.
Darth Boner: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The scene fades to black and the end credits begin playing. The End.
* * *
OOC: Thank you to everyone who managed to read the whole thing and thank you to anyone who read only one part, every little helps. I hope you enjoyed it and as always, feedback and comments are welcome.
