Rainbow Harvest: Revenge of the Stiff (Part 2)
Nov 5, 2013 21:35:10 GMT -4
Envy, Amanda Nathan, and 1 more like this
Post by Rhaps on Nov 5, 2013 21:35:10 GMT -4
OOC: Due to recent events as I’m sure you are all aware of I am dedicating the entirety of this promo to the late, great Jared Nathan. Rest in Peace.
The Rainbow Harvest logo appears on the screen and the next scene begins. The figure of Vladikin Walkman is pacing around furiously, seemingly awaiting the arrival of someone. Many weeks have passed since the Jedi council meeting and the young Jedi has been a visible member of Chancellor Desperatine’s entourage in the Galactic Senate. A richly dressed Desperado sweeps into the room and the Walkman wielding Jedi walks over to his side and West Wing’s with him as they both continue walking around the senate building. Chancellor Desperatine clears his throat politely.
Vladikin opens his mouth to speak but they enter the large and well lit room deep inside the senate building. Huge windows look out over a sprawling metropolis that stretches beyond the horizon and a myriad of small craft whiz by the windows. The view takes Vladikin’s breath away each and every time they enter the room and the Chancellor has a smug expression on his face. In the very centre of the room is a large desk that is littered with paperwork and apart from this small amount of furnishing there is nothing else of interest in the over-sized room. Upon seeing the mound of paperwork the Chancellor sighs deeply.
Chancellor Desperatine: Would you look at that pile of paper that those cretins put on my desk? How many times do I have to explain that I’m not a filing cabinet and I’m too busy being generally awesome and running the Galactic Republic with said awesomeness to deal with all of this? Surely I have receptionists or something that filter this lot out?
Vladikin Walkman: Don’t you remember? You fired them all because they were women and you know how this franchise doesn’t like women appearing on screen. The only exception is when a woman is a main character but only one is allowed for every trilogy.
Chancellor Desperatine: By Jove Vladikin you’re absolutely right. If we allow females into the series they’ll think they’re special and can do things like vote and have opinions. What a sensible and forward thinking leader I’ve turned out to be eh?
Vladikin allows the Chancellor’s words to wash over him before he walks over to the window and gazes out of it. The Chancellor remains standing behind Vladikin, sensing a great thought resting on the young Jedi’s mind and praying at his every thought. He turns around and he proffers a thumbs-up to the camera and winking knowingly about his upcoming evil plans that will soon come to fruition. His maniacal laughter builds up but Chancellor Desperatine tries his level best not to give any plot spoilers away ahead of time.
Chancellor Desperatine: Muhaha…I mean, My word Vladikin, what is the matter with you? It feels like you have the wait of several worlds and a small moon which totally isn’t a battle station weighing down on you.
The Chancellor joins the Jedi at the window and waits an appropriate amount of time for him to find the right words. After a time the Walkman wielding Jedi turns to face the Chancellor and he frowns in thought. Desperatine’s face flashes in annoyance but he does his level best to disguise it, replacing it with a feigned look of sympathy just as Vladikin returns his gaze to the politician’s face.
Vladikin: It’s the Jedi council. They give the rank of Master to Only One Cannoli and treat me like a little boy with silly assignments. I didn’t want to work in the Galactic Republic as a sp…special advisor.
Chancellor Desperatine: You are right to be annoyed Vladikin. I can tell just by looking at you that you’re a great Jedi, greater than that council. If you think about it they probably just want you out of the way because they fear you so. They want to keep you distracted so you don’t realise your true potential and overthrow them. That is why they give you mundane tasks and it totally isn’t because there’s a Sith Lord running the show and is poised, poised I tell you to take over soon.
Vladikin: Err, thanks. I think. Although that was an oddly specific scenario you denied without ever me ever bringing it up.
The Chancellor nods sagely, thinking that his words have been enough to successfully hide the reality of his Sith-hood from the Jedi. Vladikin scratches his head thoughtfully as the door on the far side of the Chancellor’s office opens and a droid enters. The droid looks remarkably like Amelia Abernathy and it has another mound of paperwork in its metallic claws. There is an awkward silence which is filled by the noise of the droid as it wheels its way over awkwardly to the desk and adds to the mountain of paper that is already piled on top of it. The legs of the aforementioned desk begin to squeak under the weight, looking as if it is ready to topple under the great mass that’s been crammed on top of it.
The Chancellor’s face creases with annoyance at this and he gives a sudden scream of resentment. He heads over to the offending table and stares at the amount of work that the council and the secretarial droids expect of him. He throws his head back and laughs mockingly before the familiar sound of a lightsaber being turned on is heard. Vladikin’s turns on his heels sharply just in time to witness the Chancellor slicing the desk in half with the weapon and he spits on its remains triumphantly.
Chancellor Desperatine: HA! Take that you stupid wooden bitch! And why is the paperwork printed on paper? We have advanced technology and ships that have artificial gravity and can fly through the deepest reaches of space and yet all of our important documents are printed on something that became obsolete when the Jed-I-Pad was invented.
Vladikin: Alright, your hatred of reading aside, did you just use a red lightsaber to destroy that table? Because that would mean you’re a Sith and evil and that’s the sort of thing I really should be telling the Jedi Council.
Chancellor Desperatine: No, that’s just a Galactic Saber used for welcoming official dignitaries. I also use it for knighting people.
Vladikin: Oh well, in that case then it makes perfect sense. A word of advice though, I wouldn’t use it in front of any Jedi again because they might think you’re evil. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go talk to someone about something completely unrelated.
Vladikin Walkman hastily puts his headphones in and walks toward the door, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible. Chancellor Desperatine does his level best to look equally laid back by casually leaning on the hand rail and looking out of the window. He casts his head round a couple of times before doing an immediate double take, making sure the Jedi has left the room before he begins his evil, and mandatory, monologue. Eventually the sound of the door opening and closing signals that the coast is clear.
Chancellor Desperatine: I will have to accelerate my plans sooner than intended. The power of the Sith will soon be revealed and my moment of triumph will soon be at hand. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Vladikin: I heard that.
Chancellor Desperatine: DAMN!
The scene changes to that of the Jedi council and the various Jedi masters are sitting in a circle in front of a Jedi Padawan that appears to be doing a juggling act. This continues for a few minutes before the display is finally over. The young Padawan stands with their arms to either side, hoping that he had entertained the members of the Jedi council sufficiently. Mace Face-O stands up and in one fluid motion he walks over to the Jedi in training and maces pepper sprays him in the face. He instantly drops to the floor, holding his face and screaming. The door at the far end of the chambers opens and Only One Cannoli sweeps into view.
Master Broda stands immediately and beckons the robed Jedi to the centre of the circle to present his report on the events that transpired on Viagtra. Mace Face-O has different ideas as he laughs gleefully, spraying the Padawan a few more times for good measure and cackling wildly with every fresh torrent of screaming. Master Broda shakes his head solemnly and Mace Face-O ceases his relentless torture. Only One Cannoli carefully steps over the young man to speak.
Master Broda: What news have you from Viagtra?
Only One Cannoli: The separatists have been defeated Broda and the war is at an end. We have reached an agreement about the sale and distribution of Mycoxadrupin but I learned of something more disturbing. The leader General GBH told me that they were not the ones responsible for the distribution of the permanent Mycoxadrupin. Indeed, he ventured to suggest that someone within the Galactic Council was responsible.
Master Broda: That is troubling news Master Cannoli. We must find the source of this evil and put an end to it.
Padawan: Why is nobody helping me?
Master Broda: Quiet you. Your juggling was awful and that’s why you suffer as you do. Now join your fellow brethren and suffer in silence.
The young Padawan begins crawling over to the other side of the room. Only One Cannoli casts his gaze over in that direction where he sees a number of Jedi students all recovering from the effects of repeated blasts of pepper sprays. Master Broda nods, ignoring his counterpart for a moment. Another Padawan enters the room and he is dressed as a mime. Suddenly Mace Face-O jumps up from his chair and runs toward him, the fiery spray of the pepper variety showering the young man’s eyes before he has crossed the room.
Mace Face-O: Mimes are never entertaining! Send someone better when you can see!
Only One Cannoli raises an eyebrow in curiosity and points at Mace Face-O. Master Broda follows the direction of Only One Cannoli’s finger and nods in understanding. He waits as Mace Face-O continues to pepper spray the mime enthusiastically, laughing maniacally as the unfortunate youth squirms from the pain inflicted.
Master Broda: I can explain that. You see, it’s been so busy and events are happening so quickly so naturally we’ve done nothing except sit here and get the students to entertain us. We’ve watched every film in the Jedi archives and so they’ve started performing for us. Mace Face-O takes care of the bad ones.
Only One Cannoli: Alright but we still need to find out who’s responsible for these dastardly schemes.
As Only One Cannoli finishes speaking the door at the far end of the room opens again and Vladikin Walkman walks through it. Mace Face-O, expecting another facial victim, pounces abruptly but stops in his tracks.
Mace Face-O: Oh, it’s you. What do you want to talk with us about?
Vladikin: I’ve found out that Chancellor Desperatine is none other than the infamous Darth Despidious. We must take action against him immediately.
Only One Cannoli: I love Deux Ex Machina, such a convenient plot device.
Chancellor Desperatine: DAMN!
The assembled Jedi look somewhat confused as they look about the room in search of who might have said it. After a couple of minutes of seeing nothing and conveniently not checking the vent directly above them they resume their meeting. By the point, Vladikin is now standing by Only One Cannoli in front of Master Broda and the rest of the Jedi council. The gravity of his announcement has even managed to tear Mace Face-O away from the mime.
Master Broda: Then my fellow Jedi, our course is clear. I’ll relax in this chair and you can deal with this problem. And because I’m taking this threat super serious, I’ll send Mace Face-O with you when you confront him. Only One Cannoli, I have nothing for you to do but you can’t be there when they confront Darth Despidious.
Only One Cannoli: Why would that be?
Master Broda: Well, for it to make sense dramatically. You obviously can’t be there when they inevitably fail because you survive the events of this film. Duh!
Only One Cannoli nods sagely, realising the wisdom of Master Broda’s words. He happily takes Mace Face-O’s seat who now looks extremely irritated at Master Broda’s decision as he looks forlornly at Vladikin. The younger Jedi shrugs his shoulders before turning about on the spot and heading towards the door. A rather reluctant Mace Face-O falls into step beside him and they walk onwards to meet their destiny.
The next scene begins and it is now an hour since the Jedi meeting. Vladikin Walkman is walking through the corridors of the Galactic Council building in search of someone in particular. His fellow Jedi Mace Face-O looks extremely unhappy as he follows a few steps behind Vladikin, not looking forward to the encounter that is sure to come. The Walkman wielding Jedi looks through a window and sees the person he is looking for and steps through. Mace Face-O however remains in the corridor after gazing through it and seeing this isn’t the dramatic encounter that they have been heading for.
Vladikin walks further into the room and sees the back of his beloved Fiancée, Pay-Me A Dolla. She turns around at hearing footsteps behind her and upon seeing Vladikin her face lights up with a huge smile. She stops what she is doing and focusses all of her attention on the Jedi before abruptly laying into him with a number of punches. Vladikin Walkman squeals in agony as he disappears under a barrage of rights and lefts from Senator. After what seem like an eternity for Vladikin, the punching stops and he rather clumsily stands back up.
Vladikin: What the hell was that for?
Pay-Me A Dolla: That was for the 32 dollars you owe me and haven’t paid me for two days. You know the official policy is that you pay me a dollar any time we do anything together and if you don’t pay promptly I give you a reason to do so. Now, is there something you have for me? By the way, since I gave you twenty-three punches you now owe me 55 dollars.
Vladikin: What? I have to pay for the beating as well?
Pay-Me A Dolla raises a fist threateningly and Vladikin flinches before the punch makes contact, falling onto the floor as he ducks his head. Muffled laughter is heard coming from the door but the Jedi ignores it while his fiancée towers over him with her hand held outwards. Grudgingly he reaches into a pocket and places a wad of notes into Pay-Me’s hand. She counts it and nods in happiness while Vladikin gets back up off the ground.
Vladikin: Anyway, now that you’ve been paid I have something important to tell you.
Pay-Me A Dolla: And I have something important to tell you and I’ll go first. Here, sit down for this because you’ll probably need to.
Pay-Me A Dolla ushers her fiancée into a seat while a new server walks in a deposits a drink next to both of them. Vladikin watches her with interest before he realises that she has more than a passing resemblance to Amelia Abernathy and the collection of secretarial droids that Chancellor Desperatine used. He does a double take, ignoring the domineering presence of Pay-Me for a few moments.
Vladikin: You look like the drones from before? How are you doing that?
Amelia: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I am in no way an agent of Chancellor Desperatine who based his droids on me and I totally didn’t drop anything into your drink that you should be suspicious about. Now if you’ll excuse me.
Vladikin: Why do you deny things I didn’t ask about with stuff that adds important plot points?
Amelia: It saves a lot of time.
Vladikin nods at the sense of this as Amelia curtsies to Pay-Me A Dolla. The Jedi takes his drink in his hand and drains the contents of the glass down is gullet without a second’s hesitation while the senator folds her arms crossly, waiting for the Jedi to make her the centre of his attention. He looks at her sheepishly, allowing her to speak her mind first before he dares think about doing anything else.
Pay-Me A Dolla: I’ve come to a decision and its important since you will need to play a part in this. If we’re going to be married and I’m going to have a show-husband to have pictures taken with in public then I think it’ll look better if we have children to take part in these photo ops. So I’m adopting two children and you’re going to be the proud father.
Vladikin: Yes, what a wonderful decision that will not come back to ruin whatever plans the Sith put into place in three movies time.
Pay-Me A Dolla: What?
Vladikin: Nothing. What are you going to call them?
Pay-Me A Dolla: I’ve chosen to adopt a boy and a girl. The boy will be called Cuke Walkman and the girl will be Lay-Her Organa. I don’t want the girl directly associated with you because she’s going to be royalty in the future and you would hold her back.
Vladikin: Thank you for pointing that out.
Vladikin Walkman stands up from the chair and stretches his limbs a few times. From the door Mace Face-O emerges and begins tapping his wrist to signify that it is time to get going. The Jedi nods and he steps toward his future bride and takes a hold of her hands. She recognises the display and removes her limbs from his grip airily.
Pay-Me A Dolla: That’s two more dollars you owe me. There’s bound to be a few thousand you owe me for the children but that’ll be arranged later. Now what is it you wanted to say?
Vladikin: I’ll have to be quick since time is of the essence. I’m going to have a Jedi duel in a few minutes and I wanted to let you know before I went.
Pay-Me A Dolla: Oh, ok. Have fun then.
Vladikin: It’s going to be awfully dangerous.
Pay-Me A Dolla: I’m sure it will be. Well, haven’t you got to get going then?
Vladikin looks stunned at her carefree attitude. He stomps off towards the door, casting long and hopeful glances back in her direction on the way. Every time he does so she is merely investigating her nails and humming to herself, doing her very best to ignore his retreating form. Vladikin shrugs and wonders what he can do to get her attention just as Mace Face-O’s hand grabs his shoulder and drags him back out into the corridor.
Vladikin Walkman and Mace Face-O walk alongside one another, both men’s faces a mask of expressionless resolve. Dramatic music plays in the background as they continue to walk on their journey to front evil Darth Despidious and attempt to put a stop to his nefarious plans. Before they arrive Vladikin feels a few twinges but he ignores them, passing it off as indigestion or something equally minor.
The two Jedi stand before they doors that leads to Chancellor Desperatine’s office and they nod at one another. Mace Face-O extracts his can of pepper spray from his pocket and holds it aloft with a manic grin plastered across his facial features while Vladikin, perhaps for the first time in his life, turns his Walkman off. Both men look completely focussed as they push the doors open and enter the room. Chancellor Desperatine’s table has been replaced with a metal one and somebody has added a note that reads ‘Please do no lightsaber’ which has been cut in half with burn marks along these edges.
The Chancellor stands up as he gazes upon Mace Face-O first before burning a hole in Vladikin. As he does so his face creases into a malign smile and Vladikin feels the twinge from earlier but with greater force. It causes him to drop to his knees and he clenches his eyes shut as something begins to happen to his body. Mace Face-O quickly helps him back to his feet and the sound of their lightsabers being turned on hums in the still air. Chancellor Desperatine pulls up his Sith hood, now confirming once and for all that he is the terrifying Sith Lord Darth Despidious. His own red lightsaber shimmers into life and the battle begins in earnest with the obligatory war cries.
Mace Face-O: Pepper Spraaaaaaaaaay!
Vladikin: I’ll lightsaber your dick off!
Mace Face-O lunges forward and his lightsaber crashes against Darth Despidious’ creating a giant flash of light as the two energy weapons collide. Some nearby Epelepto Fett clones drop to the ground while grabbing their faces. Darth Despidious rolls his eyes at the uselessness of his troops. Vladikin enters the fray and soon all three lightsabers are in full effect, the Dark Lord of the Sith easily glancing the aimed blows time and again with a tireless energy, especially for someone of his apparent age. Mid-way through the epic battle another surge drops him to the ground.
Mace Face-O continues the epic battle and he provides his own battle music, his voice squealing a tone in a particularly high pitch. Darth Despidious helps him out by shouting out a beat in a much deeper tone of voice and together both men are able to create a truly harmonious score as they continue to fight. The Sith Lord deflects another blow from Mace Face-O’s energy weapon and pushes him back, creating some distance between the two men. He begins laughing, creating a lull in the action.
Darth Despidious: You can’t beat me you filthy Jedi and it is already too late. Your precious Vladikin Walkman, the man who was chosen to fetch the coffee and douhgnuts….
Mace Face-O HA! I told you mister ‘Chosen One’
Darth Despidious: I wasn’t finished, RUDE! As I was saying, Vladikin Walkman will be turned to the dark side of the force and together we will rid the universe of your kind and rule over the empire. It will be a truly glorious moment and using this prototype weapon, the Galactic Empire will be undefeatable.
Darth Despidious points to something that has been placed in the office only recently since Vladikin did not recognise it. The contraption, to which the Sith Lord is pointing at, looks like a large laser with a targeting scope on the front and a large lever with which to turn it on. On the side of it the words ‘Exlax Ray’ are clearly visible. Using the force, Darth Despidious pushes the lever and the laser powers up before firing a sickly brown pulse towards Mace Face-O. The Jedi Master instantly grips his stomach and then looks down at his underwear, slightly ashamed of himself.
Mace Face-O: My underwear has gone over to the dark side. Excuse me.
Mace Face-O looks rather sheepish and he heads toward the door, pushing it open and leaving the room hurriedly. Vladikin and Darth Despidious remain in the room while the twinges continue to keep the Jedi grounded. The Sith Lord laughs triumphantly as the Exlax Ray powers down and he glares at his would be apprentice. Eventually the twinging sensation passes off and Vladikin stands up again but he instantly notices an awkward looking bulge in his nethers. He quickly grasps some of the paperwork and holds it over the bulge, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment.
Vladikin: What have you done to me you monster?
Darth Despidious: You learned of my true identity and I had to take steps. You have ingested the spiked Mycoxadrupin and it will be permanent. I alone have the ability to hide this affliction and you will need my aid if you ever want to set foot in public again or to avoid cats from clawing it off.
Vladikin: I will never join the dark side! Never!
Just as Vladikin finishes this a cat appears out of nowhere and lunges at his boner. The claws dig in and he howls with a blood curdling cry of agony as the ferocious feline continues to dance on it for a few more seconds. Darth Despidious cackles before using the force to remove the wretched creature.
Vladikin: Alright, you’ve made your point. But it won’t be enough to make me join the dark side.
Darth Despidious: Alright, I can sweeten the deal. Pay-Me A Dolla won’t have to ever see you in this awkward state, you could look your friends in the eye and if that still doesn’t sway you then we have cake and ice cream.
Vladikin: Cake AND ice cream? I’m sold. So how are you going to fix this…uhh problem.
Darth Despidious punches the air happily and then retrieve a remote control on the table. He presses a button and a hole in the wall opens which has a black suit and matching helmet which is obviously the classic armour from the movie. Vladikin looks at it in confusion and this registers enough for the Sith Lord to notice.
Vladikin: What the hell is this?
Darth Despidious: This is armour of my own design that will hide your shame. Plus it looks badass doesn’t it? You’re going to be intimidating as hell in that thing, much better than that foppish long hair and punch me face that you’re sporting right now.
Vladikin: But I thought you said you could cure me? And this armour is supposed to be what I wear at the very end of the film, not half way through.
Darth Despidious: I can’t actually cure the effects of the Mycoxadrupin, its permanent like I said but this suit hides it under four inches of leather. You can be comfortable and badass at the same time in this get up. And nobody cares except the ones that take it too seriously. Just put it on and join the dark side!
Vladikin: Alright, I had nothing else to do today.
Vladikin takes the Sith armour off the hook and disappears through the office door. Darth Despidious takes a seat at the desk and waits while his new apprentice gets changed in a bathroom down the corridor and it is roughly half an hour later before Vladikin re-emerges with his new awesome suit on, helmet and all.
Darth Despidious: You look terrific darling, the leather and the breathing apparatus just look fabulous. What do you think people?
Darth Despidious turns and standing behind him are a number of fashion designers and make-up artists that weren’t there before. They all begin cat calling and wolf-whistling the new Sith Lord who tries to hide his face. Darth Despidious signals for them to stop and they disappear in a cloud of smoke that totally wasn’t added in post-production.
Darth Despidious: At last, I have someone to share in my evil plans and you truly powerful. With your help we will conquer every corner of the galaxy and the Mycoxdrupin will be used to devastating effect. In commemoration of this momentous occasion I shall bestow you with your Sith name. Arise Darth Boner!
Darth Boner: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The camera begins to retreat as Darth Boner shouts the same word over and over again. Whether it is in response to his Sith name, the kinky suit or turning to the dark side we shall never know but Vladikin and the galaxy will never be the same again. The scene fades to black.
End of the second part. Comments and feedback welcome. This will be finished in the final and third part.
The Rainbow Harvest logo appears on the screen and the next scene begins. The figure of Vladikin Walkman is pacing around furiously, seemingly awaiting the arrival of someone. Many weeks have passed since the Jedi council meeting and the young Jedi has been a visible member of Chancellor Desperatine’s entourage in the Galactic Senate. A richly dressed Desperado sweeps into the room and the Walkman wielding Jedi walks over to his side and West Wing’s with him as they both continue walking around the senate building. Chancellor Desperatine clears his throat politely.
Vladikin opens his mouth to speak but they enter the large and well lit room deep inside the senate building. Huge windows look out over a sprawling metropolis that stretches beyond the horizon and a myriad of small craft whiz by the windows. The view takes Vladikin’s breath away each and every time they enter the room and the Chancellor has a smug expression on his face. In the very centre of the room is a large desk that is littered with paperwork and apart from this small amount of furnishing there is nothing else of interest in the over-sized room. Upon seeing the mound of paperwork the Chancellor sighs deeply.
Chancellor Desperatine: Would you look at that pile of paper that those cretins put on my desk? How many times do I have to explain that I’m not a filing cabinet and I’m too busy being generally awesome and running the Galactic Republic with said awesomeness to deal with all of this? Surely I have receptionists or something that filter this lot out?
Vladikin Walkman: Don’t you remember? You fired them all because they were women and you know how this franchise doesn’t like women appearing on screen. The only exception is when a woman is a main character but only one is allowed for every trilogy.
Chancellor Desperatine: By Jove Vladikin you’re absolutely right. If we allow females into the series they’ll think they’re special and can do things like vote and have opinions. What a sensible and forward thinking leader I’ve turned out to be eh?
Vladikin allows the Chancellor’s words to wash over him before he walks over to the window and gazes out of it. The Chancellor remains standing behind Vladikin, sensing a great thought resting on the young Jedi’s mind and praying at his every thought. He turns around and he proffers a thumbs-up to the camera and winking knowingly about his upcoming evil plans that will soon come to fruition. His maniacal laughter builds up but Chancellor Desperatine tries his level best not to give any plot spoilers away ahead of time.
Chancellor Desperatine: Muhaha…I mean, My word Vladikin, what is the matter with you? It feels like you have the wait of several worlds and a small moon which totally isn’t a battle station weighing down on you.
The Chancellor joins the Jedi at the window and waits an appropriate amount of time for him to find the right words. After a time the Walkman wielding Jedi turns to face the Chancellor and he frowns in thought. Desperatine’s face flashes in annoyance but he does his level best to disguise it, replacing it with a feigned look of sympathy just as Vladikin returns his gaze to the politician’s face.
Vladikin: It’s the Jedi council. They give the rank of Master to Only One Cannoli and treat me like a little boy with silly assignments. I didn’t want to work in the Galactic Republic as a sp…special advisor.
Chancellor Desperatine: You are right to be annoyed Vladikin. I can tell just by looking at you that you’re a great Jedi, greater than that council. If you think about it they probably just want you out of the way because they fear you so. They want to keep you distracted so you don’t realise your true potential and overthrow them. That is why they give you mundane tasks and it totally isn’t because there’s a Sith Lord running the show and is poised, poised I tell you to take over soon.
Vladikin: Err, thanks. I think. Although that was an oddly specific scenario you denied without ever me ever bringing it up.
The Chancellor nods sagely, thinking that his words have been enough to successfully hide the reality of his Sith-hood from the Jedi. Vladikin scratches his head thoughtfully as the door on the far side of the Chancellor’s office opens and a droid enters. The droid looks remarkably like Amelia Abernathy and it has another mound of paperwork in its metallic claws. There is an awkward silence which is filled by the noise of the droid as it wheels its way over awkwardly to the desk and adds to the mountain of paper that is already piled on top of it. The legs of the aforementioned desk begin to squeak under the weight, looking as if it is ready to topple under the great mass that’s been crammed on top of it.
The Chancellor’s face creases with annoyance at this and he gives a sudden scream of resentment. He heads over to the offending table and stares at the amount of work that the council and the secretarial droids expect of him. He throws his head back and laughs mockingly before the familiar sound of a lightsaber being turned on is heard. Vladikin’s turns on his heels sharply just in time to witness the Chancellor slicing the desk in half with the weapon and he spits on its remains triumphantly.
Chancellor Desperatine: HA! Take that you stupid wooden bitch! And why is the paperwork printed on paper? We have advanced technology and ships that have artificial gravity and can fly through the deepest reaches of space and yet all of our important documents are printed on something that became obsolete when the Jed-I-Pad was invented.
Vladikin: Alright, your hatred of reading aside, did you just use a red lightsaber to destroy that table? Because that would mean you’re a Sith and evil and that’s the sort of thing I really should be telling the Jedi Council.
Chancellor Desperatine: No, that’s just a Galactic Saber used for welcoming official dignitaries. I also use it for knighting people.
Vladikin: Oh well, in that case then it makes perfect sense. A word of advice though, I wouldn’t use it in front of any Jedi again because they might think you’re evil. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go talk to someone about something completely unrelated.
Vladikin Walkman hastily puts his headphones in and walks toward the door, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible. Chancellor Desperatine does his level best to look equally laid back by casually leaning on the hand rail and looking out of the window. He casts his head round a couple of times before doing an immediate double take, making sure the Jedi has left the room before he begins his evil, and mandatory, monologue. Eventually the sound of the door opening and closing signals that the coast is clear.
Chancellor Desperatine: I will have to accelerate my plans sooner than intended. The power of the Sith will soon be revealed and my moment of triumph will soon be at hand. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Vladikin: I heard that.
Chancellor Desperatine: DAMN!
* * *
The scene changes to that of the Jedi council and the various Jedi masters are sitting in a circle in front of a Jedi Padawan that appears to be doing a juggling act. This continues for a few minutes before the display is finally over. The young Padawan stands with their arms to either side, hoping that he had entertained the members of the Jedi council sufficiently. Mace Face-O stands up and in one fluid motion he walks over to the Jedi in training and maces pepper sprays him in the face. He instantly drops to the floor, holding his face and screaming. The door at the far end of the chambers opens and Only One Cannoli sweeps into view.
Master Broda stands immediately and beckons the robed Jedi to the centre of the circle to present his report on the events that transpired on Viagtra. Mace Face-O has different ideas as he laughs gleefully, spraying the Padawan a few more times for good measure and cackling wildly with every fresh torrent of screaming. Master Broda shakes his head solemnly and Mace Face-O ceases his relentless torture. Only One Cannoli carefully steps over the young man to speak.
Master Broda: What news have you from Viagtra?
Only One Cannoli: The separatists have been defeated Broda and the war is at an end. We have reached an agreement about the sale and distribution of Mycoxadrupin but I learned of something more disturbing. The leader General GBH told me that they were not the ones responsible for the distribution of the permanent Mycoxadrupin. Indeed, he ventured to suggest that someone within the Galactic Council was responsible.
Master Broda: That is troubling news Master Cannoli. We must find the source of this evil and put an end to it.
Padawan: Why is nobody helping me?
Master Broda: Quiet you. Your juggling was awful and that’s why you suffer as you do. Now join your fellow brethren and suffer in silence.
The young Padawan begins crawling over to the other side of the room. Only One Cannoli casts his gaze over in that direction where he sees a number of Jedi students all recovering from the effects of repeated blasts of pepper sprays. Master Broda nods, ignoring his counterpart for a moment. Another Padawan enters the room and he is dressed as a mime. Suddenly Mace Face-O jumps up from his chair and runs toward him, the fiery spray of the pepper variety showering the young man’s eyes before he has crossed the room.
Mace Face-O: Mimes are never entertaining! Send someone better when you can see!
Only One Cannoli raises an eyebrow in curiosity and points at Mace Face-O. Master Broda follows the direction of Only One Cannoli’s finger and nods in understanding. He waits as Mace Face-O continues to pepper spray the mime enthusiastically, laughing maniacally as the unfortunate youth squirms from the pain inflicted.
Master Broda: I can explain that. You see, it’s been so busy and events are happening so quickly so naturally we’ve done nothing except sit here and get the students to entertain us. We’ve watched every film in the Jedi archives and so they’ve started performing for us. Mace Face-O takes care of the bad ones.
Only One Cannoli: Alright but we still need to find out who’s responsible for these dastardly schemes.
As Only One Cannoli finishes speaking the door at the far end of the room opens again and Vladikin Walkman walks through it. Mace Face-O, expecting another facial victim, pounces abruptly but stops in his tracks.
Mace Face-O: Oh, it’s you. What do you want to talk with us about?
Vladikin: I’ve found out that Chancellor Desperatine is none other than the infamous Darth Despidious. We must take action against him immediately.
Only One Cannoli: I love Deux Ex Machina, such a convenient plot device.
Chancellor Desperatine: DAMN!
The assembled Jedi look somewhat confused as they look about the room in search of who might have said it. After a couple of minutes of seeing nothing and conveniently not checking the vent directly above them they resume their meeting. By the point, Vladikin is now standing by Only One Cannoli in front of Master Broda and the rest of the Jedi council. The gravity of his announcement has even managed to tear Mace Face-O away from the mime.
Master Broda: Then my fellow Jedi, our course is clear. I’ll relax in this chair and you can deal with this problem. And because I’m taking this threat super serious, I’ll send Mace Face-O with you when you confront him. Only One Cannoli, I have nothing for you to do but you can’t be there when they confront Darth Despidious.
Only One Cannoli: Why would that be?
Master Broda: Well, for it to make sense dramatically. You obviously can’t be there when they inevitably fail because you survive the events of this film. Duh!
Only One Cannoli nods sagely, realising the wisdom of Master Broda’s words. He happily takes Mace Face-O’s seat who now looks extremely irritated at Master Broda’s decision as he looks forlornly at Vladikin. The younger Jedi shrugs his shoulders before turning about on the spot and heading towards the door. A rather reluctant Mace Face-O falls into step beside him and they walk onwards to meet their destiny.
* * *
The next scene begins and it is now an hour since the Jedi meeting. Vladikin Walkman is walking through the corridors of the Galactic Council building in search of someone in particular. His fellow Jedi Mace Face-O looks extremely unhappy as he follows a few steps behind Vladikin, not looking forward to the encounter that is sure to come. The Walkman wielding Jedi looks through a window and sees the person he is looking for and steps through. Mace Face-O however remains in the corridor after gazing through it and seeing this isn’t the dramatic encounter that they have been heading for.
Vladikin walks further into the room and sees the back of his beloved Fiancée, Pay-Me A Dolla. She turns around at hearing footsteps behind her and upon seeing Vladikin her face lights up with a huge smile. She stops what she is doing and focusses all of her attention on the Jedi before abruptly laying into him with a number of punches. Vladikin Walkman squeals in agony as he disappears under a barrage of rights and lefts from Senator. After what seem like an eternity for Vladikin, the punching stops and he rather clumsily stands back up.
Vladikin: What the hell was that for?
Pay-Me A Dolla: That was for the 32 dollars you owe me and haven’t paid me for two days. You know the official policy is that you pay me a dollar any time we do anything together and if you don’t pay promptly I give you a reason to do so. Now, is there something you have for me? By the way, since I gave you twenty-three punches you now owe me 55 dollars.
Vladikin: What? I have to pay for the beating as well?
Pay-Me A Dolla raises a fist threateningly and Vladikin flinches before the punch makes contact, falling onto the floor as he ducks his head. Muffled laughter is heard coming from the door but the Jedi ignores it while his fiancée towers over him with her hand held outwards. Grudgingly he reaches into a pocket and places a wad of notes into Pay-Me’s hand. She counts it and nods in happiness while Vladikin gets back up off the ground.
Vladikin: Anyway, now that you’ve been paid I have something important to tell you.
Pay-Me A Dolla: And I have something important to tell you and I’ll go first. Here, sit down for this because you’ll probably need to.
Pay-Me A Dolla ushers her fiancée into a seat while a new server walks in a deposits a drink next to both of them. Vladikin watches her with interest before he realises that she has more than a passing resemblance to Amelia Abernathy and the collection of secretarial droids that Chancellor Desperatine used. He does a double take, ignoring the domineering presence of Pay-Me for a few moments.
Vladikin: You look like the drones from before? How are you doing that?
Amelia: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I am in no way an agent of Chancellor Desperatine who based his droids on me and I totally didn’t drop anything into your drink that you should be suspicious about. Now if you’ll excuse me.
Vladikin: Why do you deny things I didn’t ask about with stuff that adds important plot points?
Amelia: It saves a lot of time.
Vladikin nods at the sense of this as Amelia curtsies to Pay-Me A Dolla. The Jedi takes his drink in his hand and drains the contents of the glass down is gullet without a second’s hesitation while the senator folds her arms crossly, waiting for the Jedi to make her the centre of his attention. He looks at her sheepishly, allowing her to speak her mind first before he dares think about doing anything else.
Pay-Me A Dolla: I’ve come to a decision and its important since you will need to play a part in this. If we’re going to be married and I’m going to have a show-husband to have pictures taken with in public then I think it’ll look better if we have children to take part in these photo ops. So I’m adopting two children and you’re going to be the proud father.
Vladikin: Yes, what a wonderful decision that will not come back to ruin whatever plans the Sith put into place in three movies time.
Pay-Me A Dolla: What?
Vladikin: Nothing. What are you going to call them?
Pay-Me A Dolla: I’ve chosen to adopt a boy and a girl. The boy will be called Cuke Walkman and the girl will be Lay-Her Organa. I don’t want the girl directly associated with you because she’s going to be royalty in the future and you would hold her back.
Vladikin: Thank you for pointing that out.
Vladikin Walkman stands up from the chair and stretches his limbs a few times. From the door Mace Face-O emerges and begins tapping his wrist to signify that it is time to get going. The Jedi nods and he steps toward his future bride and takes a hold of her hands. She recognises the display and removes her limbs from his grip airily.
Pay-Me A Dolla: That’s two more dollars you owe me. There’s bound to be a few thousand you owe me for the children but that’ll be arranged later. Now what is it you wanted to say?
Vladikin: I’ll have to be quick since time is of the essence. I’m going to have a Jedi duel in a few minutes and I wanted to let you know before I went.
Pay-Me A Dolla: Oh, ok. Have fun then.
Vladikin: It’s going to be awfully dangerous.
Pay-Me A Dolla: I’m sure it will be. Well, haven’t you got to get going then?
Vladikin looks stunned at her carefree attitude. He stomps off towards the door, casting long and hopeful glances back in her direction on the way. Every time he does so she is merely investigating her nails and humming to herself, doing her very best to ignore his retreating form. Vladikin shrugs and wonders what he can do to get her attention just as Mace Face-O’s hand grabs his shoulder and drags him back out into the corridor.
* * *
Vladikin Walkman and Mace Face-O walk alongside one another, both men’s faces a mask of expressionless resolve. Dramatic music plays in the background as they continue to walk on their journey to front evil Darth Despidious and attempt to put a stop to his nefarious plans. Before they arrive Vladikin feels a few twinges but he ignores them, passing it off as indigestion or something equally minor.
The two Jedi stand before they doors that leads to Chancellor Desperatine’s office and they nod at one another. Mace Face-O extracts his can of pepper spray from his pocket and holds it aloft with a manic grin plastered across his facial features while Vladikin, perhaps for the first time in his life, turns his Walkman off. Both men look completely focussed as they push the doors open and enter the room. Chancellor Desperatine’s table has been replaced with a metal one and somebody has added a note that reads ‘Please do no lightsaber’ which has been cut in half with burn marks along these edges.
The Chancellor stands up as he gazes upon Mace Face-O first before burning a hole in Vladikin. As he does so his face creases into a malign smile and Vladikin feels the twinge from earlier but with greater force. It causes him to drop to his knees and he clenches his eyes shut as something begins to happen to his body. Mace Face-O quickly helps him back to his feet and the sound of their lightsabers being turned on hums in the still air. Chancellor Desperatine pulls up his Sith hood, now confirming once and for all that he is the terrifying Sith Lord Darth Despidious. His own red lightsaber shimmers into life and the battle begins in earnest with the obligatory war cries.
Mace Face-O: Pepper Spraaaaaaaaaay!
Vladikin: I’ll lightsaber your dick off!
Mace Face-O lunges forward and his lightsaber crashes against Darth Despidious’ creating a giant flash of light as the two energy weapons collide. Some nearby Epelepto Fett clones drop to the ground while grabbing their faces. Darth Despidious rolls his eyes at the uselessness of his troops. Vladikin enters the fray and soon all three lightsabers are in full effect, the Dark Lord of the Sith easily glancing the aimed blows time and again with a tireless energy, especially for someone of his apparent age. Mid-way through the epic battle another surge drops him to the ground.
Mace Face-O continues the epic battle and he provides his own battle music, his voice squealing a tone in a particularly high pitch. Darth Despidious helps him out by shouting out a beat in a much deeper tone of voice and together both men are able to create a truly harmonious score as they continue to fight. The Sith Lord deflects another blow from Mace Face-O’s energy weapon and pushes him back, creating some distance between the two men. He begins laughing, creating a lull in the action.
Darth Despidious: You can’t beat me you filthy Jedi and it is already too late. Your precious Vladikin Walkman, the man who was chosen to fetch the coffee and douhgnuts….
Mace Face-O HA! I told you mister ‘Chosen One’
Darth Despidious: I wasn’t finished, RUDE! As I was saying, Vladikin Walkman will be turned to the dark side of the force and together we will rid the universe of your kind and rule over the empire. It will be a truly glorious moment and using this prototype weapon, the Galactic Empire will be undefeatable.
Darth Despidious points to something that has been placed in the office only recently since Vladikin did not recognise it. The contraption, to which the Sith Lord is pointing at, looks like a large laser with a targeting scope on the front and a large lever with which to turn it on. On the side of it the words ‘Exlax Ray’ are clearly visible. Using the force, Darth Despidious pushes the lever and the laser powers up before firing a sickly brown pulse towards Mace Face-O. The Jedi Master instantly grips his stomach and then looks down at his underwear, slightly ashamed of himself.
Mace Face-O: My underwear has gone over to the dark side. Excuse me.
Mace Face-O looks rather sheepish and he heads toward the door, pushing it open and leaving the room hurriedly. Vladikin and Darth Despidious remain in the room while the twinges continue to keep the Jedi grounded. The Sith Lord laughs triumphantly as the Exlax Ray powers down and he glares at his would be apprentice. Eventually the twinging sensation passes off and Vladikin stands up again but he instantly notices an awkward looking bulge in his nethers. He quickly grasps some of the paperwork and holds it over the bulge, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment.
Vladikin: What have you done to me you monster?
Darth Despidious: You learned of my true identity and I had to take steps. You have ingested the spiked Mycoxadrupin and it will be permanent. I alone have the ability to hide this affliction and you will need my aid if you ever want to set foot in public again or to avoid cats from clawing it off.
Vladikin: I will never join the dark side! Never!
Just as Vladikin finishes this a cat appears out of nowhere and lunges at his boner. The claws dig in and he howls with a blood curdling cry of agony as the ferocious feline continues to dance on it for a few more seconds. Darth Despidious cackles before using the force to remove the wretched creature.
Vladikin: Alright, you’ve made your point. But it won’t be enough to make me join the dark side.
Darth Despidious: Alright, I can sweeten the deal. Pay-Me A Dolla won’t have to ever see you in this awkward state, you could look your friends in the eye and if that still doesn’t sway you then we have cake and ice cream.
Vladikin: Cake AND ice cream? I’m sold. So how are you going to fix this…uhh problem.
Darth Despidious punches the air happily and then retrieve a remote control on the table. He presses a button and a hole in the wall opens which has a black suit and matching helmet which is obviously the classic armour from the movie. Vladikin looks at it in confusion and this registers enough for the Sith Lord to notice.
Vladikin: What the hell is this?
Darth Despidious: This is armour of my own design that will hide your shame. Plus it looks badass doesn’t it? You’re going to be intimidating as hell in that thing, much better than that foppish long hair and punch me face that you’re sporting right now.
Vladikin: But I thought you said you could cure me? And this armour is supposed to be what I wear at the very end of the film, not half way through.
Darth Despidious: I can’t actually cure the effects of the Mycoxadrupin, its permanent like I said but this suit hides it under four inches of leather. You can be comfortable and badass at the same time in this get up. And nobody cares except the ones that take it too seriously. Just put it on and join the dark side!
Vladikin: Alright, I had nothing else to do today.
Vladikin takes the Sith armour off the hook and disappears through the office door. Darth Despidious takes a seat at the desk and waits while his new apprentice gets changed in a bathroom down the corridor and it is roughly half an hour later before Vladikin re-emerges with his new awesome suit on, helmet and all.
Darth Despidious: You look terrific darling, the leather and the breathing apparatus just look fabulous. What do you think people?
Darth Despidious turns and standing behind him are a number of fashion designers and make-up artists that weren’t there before. They all begin cat calling and wolf-whistling the new Sith Lord who tries to hide his face. Darth Despidious signals for them to stop and they disappear in a cloud of smoke that totally wasn’t added in post-production.
Darth Despidious: At last, I have someone to share in my evil plans and you truly powerful. With your help we will conquer every corner of the galaxy and the Mycoxdrupin will be used to devastating effect. In commemoration of this momentous occasion I shall bestow you with your Sith name. Arise Darth Boner!
Darth Boner: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The camera begins to retreat as Darth Boner shouts the same word over and over again. Whether it is in response to his Sith name, the kinky suit or turning to the dark side we shall never know but Vladikin and the galaxy will never be the same again. The scene fades to black.
* * *
End of the second part. Comments and feedback welcome. This will be finished in the final and third part.
