Rainbow Harvest: Revenge of the Stiff (Part 1)
Nov 2, 2013 6:18:52 GMT -4
KingBear and Ciles Gorey like this
Post by Rhaps on Nov 2, 2013 6:18:52 GMT -4
The film starts on a starry background with the words ‘Rainbow Harvest VI’ scrawled across them in large yellow letters. A musical crescendo accompanies the introduction of the epic that is about to unfold. Rogue space paragraphs appear at the top of the screen and they float gently towards the viewer, the words being barely visible at first before they become clear and readable. Just before the first words reach the bottom edge of the screen an errant spaceship abruptly appears and collides with the first paragraph before a brilliant is seen, showering the remnants of the craft in a myriad of directions. The words however remain undamaged from the encounter and they float on to wreak yet more havoc on the space faring community.
A short while ago in a village two towns over; civil war continues to rage on in the heart of the Galactic Republic as the separatist forces of Viagtra continue to battle on despite facing impending defeat at the hands of the Jedi order and their clone army. Chancellor Desperatine has been given emergency powers to battle this new threat that has arrived in the form of a small pill making afternoons awkward for most men but rather enjoyable for the ones over seventy-five. The famed Jedi Only One Cannoli has been dispatched to deal with the final remnants of the separatist forces while his dipshit apprentice Vladikin Walkman pursues an unhealthy relationship with a woman who is twenty years older despite not having aged a single day. Is she a time traveller or something? Anyway, shit is getting real.
The first scene of the movie begins in earnest on a spacey looking backdrop that looks wonderfully futuristic. Several characters are sitting in chairs set in a circle spaceships continue to whizz about in the background. They look rather two dimensional and the string holding them is plainly visible. A cloaked Vladimir Strife and Kingbear walk into frame and stand before the various Jedi. Abruptly Vladikin Walkman trips on the hem of the robe and falls unceremoniously to the ground, an accompanying crash being heard as the backdrop is brought tumbling down thanks to the fall. The Jedi give this no attention while it is clumsily lifted back into place. Chris Dolmeth is sitting in the centre of the amassed Jedi and a pair of green ears has been glued to his head rather poorly since his own ears are still visible. He clears his throat before addressing the two Jedi Knights in front of him.
Broda: It is good to see the two of you on this fine day it is is it not?
Vladikin Walkman: What the hell did you just say? Talk normally Master Broda because you know you don’t sound profound or intelligent when you do that. You just end up sounding like an arse.
Broda: Fine, I’ll just get to the point. I had a whole speech planned on fear leading to anger leading to hate leading to the dark side and suggestive leather costumes but have it your way Vladikin Walkman. But before I begin I have to ask, why the hell are you carrying something around that was obsolete since I wore diapers?
Master Broda indicates a complicated looking contraption that resides in Vladikin Walkman’s pocket and the Jedi Knight extracts it before looking, removing a pair of headphones as well. He gives an offending shrug as the camera zooms in on an old Walkman that plays old cassette tapes with rather chunky looking button on top.
Vladikin: You mean this thing? Well it plays music doesn’t it like an Ipod? Why should I spend 400 space dollars for something I’ve owned for twenty years and still works? Besides, it’s compact enough to occupy all the space in my pocket and I can listen to some sweet tunes everywhere I go. But you can’t forget the pen because that’s an important and necessary tool for operating cassette tapes. These young looking people wouldn’t know what that is so I’ll explain it. A pen is something you write with. Anyway, please continue Master Broda.
The green eared Jedi Master gives a grunt of annoyance as Vladikin pops the headphones in and starts playing the music rather loudly. His choice of heavy metal plays and everyone in the room can hear it despite the headphones and Master Broda speaks louder as a consequence of this. Only One Cannoli elbows his student in the ribs, earning an annoyed expression to pass between himself and Vladikin.
Master Broda: Thank you for your impertinence Vladikin. And it’s good to see you Only One Cannoli. Well gentleman, the situation is this. We have been at war with the Separatists for a number of years now and a recent influx of Viagra pills have been used to cripple our armies due to embarrassment and shame thus making our war efforts harder then they ought to be. And no pun intended. Those of you who are giggling behind me stop it now. In fact the results are so devastating that the effects last significantly longer than is normal and in some it seems to be permanent. We have found the last remaining leader of the rebel forces on the planet Viagtra and we’re sending you Only One Cannoli to deal with this threat. Which brings me to my second order of business; we’re promoting you Only One Cannoli to the rank of Jedi Master.
Only One Cannoli looks stunned in the face of this announcement and he beams proudly in front of his student. Vladikin looks rather crestfallen at this and it is of sufficient severity to prompt him to turn his Walkman off and pay attention to the next moments with a newfound interest. He starts to stutter his protestations before a raised hand from Master Broda silences him.
Master Broda: No words from you Vladikin. I am usually a friend to everyone, that is why I am called Broda but you not only manage to get on my last nerve but you also get on my first nerve as well. So with that in mind; since you’re usually whiney and more than a little emo about this sort of thing, the council has decided to send you to spy on Chancellor Desperatine. He’s gotten a lot of power and attention from this war and we need to keep our bases covered. So off you go.
As Master Broda finishes talking, Only One Cannoli’s rather plain and clandestine looking robes are replaced with bright and shiny new white ones. This does even more to make the newly crowned Jedi Master to look even happier while simultaneously making his protégé even grumpier.
Vladikin: What the hell? He gets new robes as well? Is this like a power up or something like in a video game?
Only One Cannoli: Dear God Man, do you ever stop moaning?
Vladikin Walkman huffs off screen in annoyance before Only One Cannoli bows respectfully to the Jedi council. Master Broda nods in response to this gesture and he starts conversing with the background Jedi when the scene changes.
A couple of days have passed since the council meeting and Vladikin Walkman is leaning against a ledge and looking out across the futuristic looking city. Envy, clad in regal Senatorial clothes, walks up and stands next to the Jedi. A server approaches rather timidly with a tray of drinks which Envy looks at with a bit too much zeal, snatching all of it in her mitts as she downs the lot. She slams the empty bottle back on the tray and rounds on the poor young man.
Pay-Me A Dolla: Have you got any more you snivelling server of overpriced swill?
Server: I can fetch some but it’s actually free for you since you’re a Senator.
Pay-Me A Dolla: You’re right kid. I should be making money on this gig. So you’re going to pay me a dollar for every drink you bring me and I don’t want any excuses or I’ll kick your arse so bad that it’ll get constantly reblogged on redit.
Server: You can’t honestly expect me to pay you.
Pay-Me A Dolla: Yes, that’s exactly what I want and that’s why my name is Pay-Me A Dolla. Most of you idiots think you’ll get something from me in return but I just take the money and you bugger off. So do you accept the arrangement?
Pay-Me A Dolla waits for a response from the unfortunate server of the drinks while a bemused Vladikin merely remains silent, having been subjected to similar treatment himself. The serves opens his mouth as if to respond but he is suddenly cut off by a slap that causes his head to shoot to one side quickly. His face is suddenly aflame and his eyes are welling up.
Pay Me A Dolla: Yes, you accept the agreement. Now get lost.
The Senator turns to Vladikin and jabs him in the ribs imperiously to get his attention. The Jedi wheels on the spot and casts an annoyed expression towards his fiancée but reality soon seeps in. Even if he were to argue with her he realised that she wasn’t going to be his wife but he was going to be her husband. His shoulders slump in defeat and Pay-Me smirks in response.
Pay-Me A Dolla: So what’s up with you Mr Grumpy Gills? By the way, you owe me fourteen dollars for the fourteen things we did yesterday and another eight for today. It’s alright, I’ll allow you to run up a tab but if I don’t get the money before tomorrow I might have to hurt you.
Vladikin: Alright, you’ll get your money. Just no physical violence at the moment because I’m quite annoyed at the stupid Jedi council with their stupid dumb faces and green pointy ears of hate and resentment. Only One Cannoli gets all the cool assignments and I have to spy on some old dude. But you clearly have something to say so out with it.
Vladikin finishes his rant and waits politely for his fiancée to respond. She puts her arms on her hips and a thought crosses her mind, causing her to squint for a few moments. Eventually the thought passes and she opens her mouth to speak.
Pay-Me A Dolla: Yes you’re right. I’ve decided that we’re going to have to get married soon and in secret since I do like you and all but I don’t want it becoming public that we’re actually involved with each other. I have a reputation to maintain and you’re a bit too odd to be a show-husband so you’ll be sitting and enjoying yourself at home whilst I’m out at public functions with someone not as facially challenged. If you weren’t a Jedi and didn’t know those force tricks I wouldn’t even be dating you. Anyway, with your problem you could always talk to someone on the council that’s clearly not Broda. You don’t hide your resentment of him very well. You should probably work on that.
Vladikin: Thank you for your kind words of encouragement but I’m sure you actually find me really attractive, like insanely attractive. So attractive even that everyone else looks like that weird slug alien on Tattooine, Manda the Slutt.
While Vladikin says this he waves his hand slowly in front of his fiancée. However, her face remains unimpressed by the display and scoffs at the attempt to use the fabled Jedi mind trick on one as stubborn as hers. The Jedi shrugs in exasperation while she sweeps from the room and if there was one thing she knew how to do, it was how to sweep in the most dramatic way possible. Vladikin extracts his Walkman from his pocket and goes to place the headphones in his ears to while away his melancholy in bliss before a sudden pain blinds him. He blinks furiously, only being aware of another person standing over him and laughing maniacally. When Vladikin’s vision clears he sees Nicholas Carson in Jedi robes similar to Only One Cannoli’s upgraded ones from his promotion.
Vladikin: Damn it Mace Face-O why do you always live up to your name? you just walk in here and start pepper spraying everyone in sight and when you’re done there’s no sight left.
Mace Face-O: I overheard your whining so I thought I’d come and have a little chat with you. Master Broda was right about one thing though, you are too whingey for your own good and spying for us on Chancellor Desperatine might be beneficial for your Jedi training. Learn from your betters and use the force once in a while man, I was able to get the drop on you easier than a blind tortoise with no legs.
Vladikin: But I’m the chosen one Mace, I am the one who is going to restore order to the force. You can’t go around treating me like this, any of you.
Mace Face-O: Actually we checked the prophecies and they say nothing about restoring order to the balance. They did say about a chosen one who fetches everyone else coffee and doughnuts and we think that’s you. Now be a good chap and run to Space Starbucks. This scene has dragged on entirely too long and might actually have nothing to do with the original film this is a spoof of. It’s also removing some of the dramatic tension so it’s time for a change of pace.
Mace Face-O waves his hands magically which causes the scene to blur into a new scene. Just before it disappears entirely a scream is heard from the server who had been terrorised by Pay-Me A Dolla and his agonised screaming drowns out all other sound while Mace Face-O holds up his pepper spray triumphantly before giving it a celebratory kiss.
The next scene begins on the planet Viagtra with Only One Cannoli’s ship on the surface of the suspiciously shaped planet. The newly minted Jedi Master walks forwards and his eyes survey a scene of total carnage as his army of clone troopers battle the forces of the Separatists on this far flung world. One of the clones, looking remarkably like Hayden Hardkore, walks up to Only One Cannoli. The Jedi takes a seat in a chair and lifts a drink with a veritable forest growing out of the top of the glass. Before he has a chance to speak however there is a sudden flash of dazzling light from the other end of the battlefield. All of the clone troopers drop to the floor and start flailing wildly. Only One Cannoli puts his face in his palms before sighing deeply as the effects of the devastating attack wear off and the battle resumes in earnest. The clone trooper closest to the Jedi Master blinks a few times before he starts speaking.
Epelepto Fett: Sorry about that sir; when we cloned all of these soldiers from the original genetic tissue we probably shouldn’t have used Epelepto Fett, what with his aversion to bright lights and all. Our enemies have become aware of this weakness and they use it with monotonous regularity I’m afraid.
Only One Cannoli: Yes, yes. I was with the clone army when it was used dozens of times and there’s something almost soul destroying about seeing your battle hardened veterans flail around like fish out of water. Anyway, you have news trooper?
Epelepto Fett: Yes sir, the leader of the Separatist army has been sighted sir. General Grievous Bodily Harm, or GBH for short, is in the middle of the battlefield. I would suggest that it might be an opportune moment for you to lead the charge and meet him on the field of battle.
Only One Cannoli pauses purposefully has he lifts his cheerful looking beverage up to his lips and takes a long sip on the straw that’s been placed in the glass. The Epelepto Fett clone waits patiently but after a full three minutes of watching the Jedi drink he clears his throat in a polite gesture that indicates that he won’t be leaving until he has heard what the Jedi has to say. Only One Cannoli groans audibly, clearly not going to be able to enjoy his Banana Daiquiri in peace.
Only One Cannoli: Fine, I’ll go out there and I’ll lightsaber his dick off alright?
Epelepto Fett instinctively throws himself to the ground at the mention of the word lightsaber and the Jedi looks somewhat confused for a few minutes before realisation finally dawns upon him. He groans again, this time at the ridiculousness of having an army whose weaknesses consisted of bright lights, name calling and rejection.
Only One Cannoli: I haven’t turned the lightsaber on so you can get up off the floor any time now. I just wanted to enjoy my Daiquiri for a few minutes before I got all Forcey Jedi-Tricky all up in this bitch but it’ll have to wait now I guess. After all, this General GBH has a lot to answer for; the murder of thousands of clones that we can easily replace at next to no cost. Curse him! His villainy is only matched by his brilliance.
The Jedi Master ceases his lounging before downing the last dregs of his tasty and totally not girly drink. His face becomes a mask of grim resolve as he steps out onto the battlefield and the familiar shimmer of energy is felt in his hands as he turns on the lightsaber. Around Only One Cannoli a number of clones drop to the ground and start twitching uncontrollably but he ignores this as he continues. In the distance he can see the domineering presence of General GBH, who looks suspiciously like Rhaps. As he continues to walk forward the clone troopers all fall to the ground at a mere glimpse of his dreaded Jedi weapon, effectively clearing a path for him.
General GBH sees the glow of the lightsaber and he reaches into his pockets and extracts a pair of vicious looking knives and twirls them around in his hands. Only One Cannoli merely nods in response and his eyes remain firmly locked on his prey. Abruptly one of the Separatists throws something at the Jedi and it bounces off his forehead. Only One Cannoli looks down and realises that it is one of the infamous Mycoxadrupin pills that have been making the clone troopers and anyone else affected by them to be hunched over awkwardly or suddenly excused from the room. In those instances he had heard the words ‘lasts more than six hours then call a physician’ quite a few times and now inwardly shuddered whenever he saw a doctor.
Only One Cannoli: HA! You missed my mouth morons!
The Jedi storms on whilst the Epelepto Fett clones continue to either pass out or dive out of the way in fear of sharing the same reaction. General GBH laughs and he closes the distance between himself and the lightsaber wielding warrior as the two of them finally clash. Only One Cannoli swings the weapon while making a whooshing sound with his mouth. General GBH thrusts his knives forwards, making a clang noise with his mouth when they are deflected by the lightsaber. Their fight continues for a few more minutes, neither combatant getting the upper hand when at last, General GBH steps forward too far and leaving himself exposed. Only One Cannoli raises the lightsaber and jabs it into the general’s ribs. Instead of cutting through his body, General GBH drops to the ground and puts his hands up to the wound, covering it. The scene suddenly smash cuts and now the wound looks suitably charred.
Only One Cannoli: You have been defeated General GBH. Are you and the Separatists willing to surrender peacefully and end this Mycoxadrupin threat that’s been causing all sorts of awkwardness in the galaxy? I mean, it’s bad enough for the effects to last a few hours but permanently is just cruel.
General GBH’s brow furrows in response to this and his mouth opens and closes a few times as his brain attempts to catch up and fill in the silence with some words. The cogs in his brain turn a little too slowly for comfort and the two men stand impishly facing one another while the Separatist leader flaps his trap. Eventually he finds the words that he is looking for.
General GBH: We are not willing to surrender without certain assurances and I have no knowledge of this permanent Mycoxadrupin of which you speak. We manufactured the drug and the Galactic Republic and the Jedi council wanted to take 90% of the profits in tax. We weren’t willing to lose that kind of money so we decided to fight back. And we desire the effects of this pill to be temporary, where’s the repeat business if we made it permanent?
Only One Cannoli: I don’t believe your villainy or your lies GBH! You brought war and chaos to the galaxy and it was, hang on, you said it was to prevent your product from being taxed too much? What a silly reason to go to war.
General GBH: I don’t think it’s a silly reason, after all most wars now are fought for money. I seem to remember some conflicts on CNN about a country called America fighting for oil.
Only One Cannoli raises a hand to respond but he stops dead in his tracks. He thinks for a few moments before shaking his head in dismissal, not willing to be dragged into such an argument. Both warriors by now have sheathed their respective weapons.
Only One Cannoli: Well, what assurances would you like?
General GBH: First of all, the taxes on Mycoxadrupin are set at a maximum of 40% and we increase the price by a third and keep the remaining profit. If we can agree on these terms then the war can end today.
Only One Cannoli: I accept and I shall take this proposal to the Jedi Council. However, you still need to answer for your crimes with this rogue batch of Mycoxadrupin and while that remains it will create a sore point at the peace talks in the future.
As the Jedi finishes speaking these words Nicholas Carson as Mace Face-O steps into view, earning a quizzical stare from General GBH and Only One Cannoli who were clearly not expecting to see him at this juncture. Mace Face-O has a manic grin plastered on his features and winks mischievously into the camera.
Mace Face-O: Bow chicka bow wow. You thought I forgot didn’t you?
Mace Face-O runs from view leaving the two warriors stood as before. The silence between them drags on for a few moments before they finally collect themselves and resume the scene in earnest. General GBH steps forwards, producing two pills that look similar but with one distinct difference.
General GBH: As I said before Jedi, we did not manufacture this rogue pill. Ours on the left as our brand Viagtra printed on them while this rogue pill has the word ‘Sith.’ Perhaps the enemies of the Jedi order are to blame for this.
Only One Cannoli: Ok, so where did you get that from?
General GBH: They were being handed out for free, which by the way is absolutely criminal and kills a business in a capitalist society but more on that later. Someone from the Galactic Council was giving them away which means that your enemies are more firmly entrenched than you previously thought. PLOT TWIST!
Only One Cannoli: But the Galactic Republic started this war because of Mycoxadrupin, why would they be handing it out for free. I’m sorry but I see a flaw in your logic. Perhaps….
General GBH: PLOT TWIST!
Only One Cannoli: But…
General GBH: You don’t seem to get it. I said PLOT TWIST! So the scene is over.
General GBH throws up some jazz hands dramatically while he walks backwards until he is no longer visible in the camera leaving a bemused Only One Cannoli alone in a sea of clones all hovering nervously in case of more bright lights. After a few seconds the Jedi shrugs and he too walks off camera.
End of Part One. Thank you for reading this far if you managed to make it all the way. Any comments or feedback are most welcome and hopefully you found it funny. The saga will continue in part two.
A short while ago in a village two towns over; civil war continues to rage on in the heart of the Galactic Republic as the separatist forces of Viagtra continue to battle on despite facing impending defeat at the hands of the Jedi order and their clone army. Chancellor Desperatine has been given emergency powers to battle this new threat that has arrived in the form of a small pill making afternoons awkward for most men but rather enjoyable for the ones over seventy-five. The famed Jedi Only One Cannoli has been dispatched to deal with the final remnants of the separatist forces while his dipshit apprentice Vladikin Walkman pursues an unhealthy relationship with a woman who is twenty years older despite not having aged a single day. Is she a time traveller or something? Anyway, shit is getting real.
The first scene of the movie begins in earnest on a spacey looking backdrop that looks wonderfully futuristic. Several characters are sitting in chairs set in a circle spaceships continue to whizz about in the background. They look rather two dimensional and the string holding them is plainly visible. A cloaked Vladimir Strife and Kingbear walk into frame and stand before the various Jedi. Abruptly Vladikin Walkman trips on the hem of the robe and falls unceremoniously to the ground, an accompanying crash being heard as the backdrop is brought tumbling down thanks to the fall. The Jedi give this no attention while it is clumsily lifted back into place. Chris Dolmeth is sitting in the centre of the amassed Jedi and a pair of green ears has been glued to his head rather poorly since his own ears are still visible. He clears his throat before addressing the two Jedi Knights in front of him.
Broda: It is good to see the two of you on this fine day it is is it not?
Vladikin Walkman: What the hell did you just say? Talk normally Master Broda because you know you don’t sound profound or intelligent when you do that. You just end up sounding like an arse.
Broda: Fine, I’ll just get to the point. I had a whole speech planned on fear leading to anger leading to hate leading to the dark side and suggestive leather costumes but have it your way Vladikin Walkman. But before I begin I have to ask, why the hell are you carrying something around that was obsolete since I wore diapers?
Master Broda indicates a complicated looking contraption that resides in Vladikin Walkman’s pocket and the Jedi Knight extracts it before looking, removing a pair of headphones as well. He gives an offending shrug as the camera zooms in on an old Walkman that plays old cassette tapes with rather chunky looking button on top.
Vladikin: You mean this thing? Well it plays music doesn’t it like an Ipod? Why should I spend 400 space dollars for something I’ve owned for twenty years and still works? Besides, it’s compact enough to occupy all the space in my pocket and I can listen to some sweet tunes everywhere I go. But you can’t forget the pen because that’s an important and necessary tool for operating cassette tapes. These young looking people wouldn’t know what that is so I’ll explain it. A pen is something you write with. Anyway, please continue Master Broda.
The green eared Jedi Master gives a grunt of annoyance as Vladikin pops the headphones in and starts playing the music rather loudly. His choice of heavy metal plays and everyone in the room can hear it despite the headphones and Master Broda speaks louder as a consequence of this. Only One Cannoli elbows his student in the ribs, earning an annoyed expression to pass between himself and Vladikin.
Master Broda: Thank you for your impertinence Vladikin. And it’s good to see you Only One Cannoli. Well gentleman, the situation is this. We have been at war with the Separatists for a number of years now and a recent influx of Viagra pills have been used to cripple our armies due to embarrassment and shame thus making our war efforts harder then they ought to be. And no pun intended. Those of you who are giggling behind me stop it now. In fact the results are so devastating that the effects last significantly longer than is normal and in some it seems to be permanent. We have found the last remaining leader of the rebel forces on the planet Viagtra and we’re sending you Only One Cannoli to deal with this threat. Which brings me to my second order of business; we’re promoting you Only One Cannoli to the rank of Jedi Master.
Only One Cannoli looks stunned in the face of this announcement and he beams proudly in front of his student. Vladikin looks rather crestfallen at this and it is of sufficient severity to prompt him to turn his Walkman off and pay attention to the next moments with a newfound interest. He starts to stutter his protestations before a raised hand from Master Broda silences him.
Master Broda: No words from you Vladikin. I am usually a friend to everyone, that is why I am called Broda but you not only manage to get on my last nerve but you also get on my first nerve as well. So with that in mind; since you’re usually whiney and more than a little emo about this sort of thing, the council has decided to send you to spy on Chancellor Desperatine. He’s gotten a lot of power and attention from this war and we need to keep our bases covered. So off you go.
As Master Broda finishes talking, Only One Cannoli’s rather plain and clandestine looking robes are replaced with bright and shiny new white ones. This does even more to make the newly crowned Jedi Master to look even happier while simultaneously making his protégé even grumpier.
Vladikin: What the hell? He gets new robes as well? Is this like a power up or something like in a video game?
Only One Cannoli: Dear God Man, do you ever stop moaning?
Vladikin Walkman huffs off screen in annoyance before Only One Cannoli bows respectfully to the Jedi council. Master Broda nods in response to this gesture and he starts conversing with the background Jedi when the scene changes.
* * *
A couple of days have passed since the council meeting and Vladikin Walkman is leaning against a ledge and looking out across the futuristic looking city. Envy, clad in regal Senatorial clothes, walks up and stands next to the Jedi. A server approaches rather timidly with a tray of drinks which Envy looks at with a bit too much zeal, snatching all of it in her mitts as she downs the lot. She slams the empty bottle back on the tray and rounds on the poor young man.
Pay-Me A Dolla: Have you got any more you snivelling server of overpriced swill?
Server: I can fetch some but it’s actually free for you since you’re a Senator.
Pay-Me A Dolla: You’re right kid. I should be making money on this gig. So you’re going to pay me a dollar for every drink you bring me and I don’t want any excuses or I’ll kick your arse so bad that it’ll get constantly reblogged on redit.
Server: You can’t honestly expect me to pay you.
Pay-Me A Dolla: Yes, that’s exactly what I want and that’s why my name is Pay-Me A Dolla. Most of you idiots think you’ll get something from me in return but I just take the money and you bugger off. So do you accept the arrangement?
Pay-Me A Dolla waits for a response from the unfortunate server of the drinks while a bemused Vladikin merely remains silent, having been subjected to similar treatment himself. The serves opens his mouth as if to respond but he is suddenly cut off by a slap that causes his head to shoot to one side quickly. His face is suddenly aflame and his eyes are welling up.
Pay Me A Dolla: Yes, you accept the agreement. Now get lost.
The Senator turns to Vladikin and jabs him in the ribs imperiously to get his attention. The Jedi wheels on the spot and casts an annoyed expression towards his fiancée but reality soon seeps in. Even if he were to argue with her he realised that she wasn’t going to be his wife but he was going to be her husband. His shoulders slump in defeat and Pay-Me smirks in response.
Pay-Me A Dolla: So what’s up with you Mr Grumpy Gills? By the way, you owe me fourteen dollars for the fourteen things we did yesterday and another eight for today. It’s alright, I’ll allow you to run up a tab but if I don’t get the money before tomorrow I might have to hurt you.
Vladikin: Alright, you’ll get your money. Just no physical violence at the moment because I’m quite annoyed at the stupid Jedi council with their stupid dumb faces and green pointy ears of hate and resentment. Only One Cannoli gets all the cool assignments and I have to spy on some old dude. But you clearly have something to say so out with it.
Vladikin finishes his rant and waits politely for his fiancée to respond. She puts her arms on her hips and a thought crosses her mind, causing her to squint for a few moments. Eventually the thought passes and she opens her mouth to speak.
Pay-Me A Dolla: Yes you’re right. I’ve decided that we’re going to have to get married soon and in secret since I do like you and all but I don’t want it becoming public that we’re actually involved with each other. I have a reputation to maintain and you’re a bit too odd to be a show-husband so you’ll be sitting and enjoying yourself at home whilst I’m out at public functions with someone not as facially challenged. If you weren’t a Jedi and didn’t know those force tricks I wouldn’t even be dating you. Anyway, with your problem you could always talk to someone on the council that’s clearly not Broda. You don’t hide your resentment of him very well. You should probably work on that.
Vladikin: Thank you for your kind words of encouragement but I’m sure you actually find me really attractive, like insanely attractive. So attractive even that everyone else looks like that weird slug alien on Tattooine, Manda the Slutt.
While Vladikin says this he waves his hand slowly in front of his fiancée. However, her face remains unimpressed by the display and scoffs at the attempt to use the fabled Jedi mind trick on one as stubborn as hers. The Jedi shrugs in exasperation while she sweeps from the room and if there was one thing she knew how to do, it was how to sweep in the most dramatic way possible. Vladikin extracts his Walkman from his pocket and goes to place the headphones in his ears to while away his melancholy in bliss before a sudden pain blinds him. He blinks furiously, only being aware of another person standing over him and laughing maniacally. When Vladikin’s vision clears he sees Nicholas Carson in Jedi robes similar to Only One Cannoli’s upgraded ones from his promotion.
Vladikin: Damn it Mace Face-O why do you always live up to your name? you just walk in here and start pepper spraying everyone in sight and when you’re done there’s no sight left.
Mace Face-O: I overheard your whining so I thought I’d come and have a little chat with you. Master Broda was right about one thing though, you are too whingey for your own good and spying for us on Chancellor Desperatine might be beneficial for your Jedi training. Learn from your betters and use the force once in a while man, I was able to get the drop on you easier than a blind tortoise with no legs.
Vladikin: But I’m the chosen one Mace, I am the one who is going to restore order to the force. You can’t go around treating me like this, any of you.
Mace Face-O: Actually we checked the prophecies and they say nothing about restoring order to the balance. They did say about a chosen one who fetches everyone else coffee and doughnuts and we think that’s you. Now be a good chap and run to Space Starbucks. This scene has dragged on entirely too long and might actually have nothing to do with the original film this is a spoof of. It’s also removing some of the dramatic tension so it’s time for a change of pace.
Mace Face-O waves his hands magically which causes the scene to blur into a new scene. Just before it disappears entirely a scream is heard from the server who had been terrorised by Pay-Me A Dolla and his agonised screaming drowns out all other sound while Mace Face-O holds up his pepper spray triumphantly before giving it a celebratory kiss.
* * *
The next scene begins on the planet Viagtra with Only One Cannoli’s ship on the surface of the suspiciously shaped planet. The newly minted Jedi Master walks forwards and his eyes survey a scene of total carnage as his army of clone troopers battle the forces of the Separatists on this far flung world. One of the clones, looking remarkably like Hayden Hardkore, walks up to Only One Cannoli. The Jedi takes a seat in a chair and lifts a drink with a veritable forest growing out of the top of the glass. Before he has a chance to speak however there is a sudden flash of dazzling light from the other end of the battlefield. All of the clone troopers drop to the floor and start flailing wildly. Only One Cannoli puts his face in his palms before sighing deeply as the effects of the devastating attack wear off and the battle resumes in earnest. The clone trooper closest to the Jedi Master blinks a few times before he starts speaking.
Epelepto Fett: Sorry about that sir; when we cloned all of these soldiers from the original genetic tissue we probably shouldn’t have used Epelepto Fett, what with his aversion to bright lights and all. Our enemies have become aware of this weakness and they use it with monotonous regularity I’m afraid.
Only One Cannoli: Yes, yes. I was with the clone army when it was used dozens of times and there’s something almost soul destroying about seeing your battle hardened veterans flail around like fish out of water. Anyway, you have news trooper?
Epelepto Fett: Yes sir, the leader of the Separatist army has been sighted sir. General Grievous Bodily Harm, or GBH for short, is in the middle of the battlefield. I would suggest that it might be an opportune moment for you to lead the charge and meet him on the field of battle.
Only One Cannoli pauses purposefully has he lifts his cheerful looking beverage up to his lips and takes a long sip on the straw that’s been placed in the glass. The Epelepto Fett clone waits patiently but after a full three minutes of watching the Jedi drink he clears his throat in a polite gesture that indicates that he won’t be leaving until he has heard what the Jedi has to say. Only One Cannoli groans audibly, clearly not going to be able to enjoy his Banana Daiquiri in peace.
Only One Cannoli: Fine, I’ll go out there and I’ll lightsaber his dick off alright?
Epelepto Fett instinctively throws himself to the ground at the mention of the word lightsaber and the Jedi looks somewhat confused for a few minutes before realisation finally dawns upon him. He groans again, this time at the ridiculousness of having an army whose weaknesses consisted of bright lights, name calling and rejection.
Only One Cannoli: I haven’t turned the lightsaber on so you can get up off the floor any time now. I just wanted to enjoy my Daiquiri for a few minutes before I got all Forcey Jedi-Tricky all up in this bitch but it’ll have to wait now I guess. After all, this General GBH has a lot to answer for; the murder of thousands of clones that we can easily replace at next to no cost. Curse him! His villainy is only matched by his brilliance.
The Jedi Master ceases his lounging before downing the last dregs of his tasty and totally not girly drink. His face becomes a mask of grim resolve as he steps out onto the battlefield and the familiar shimmer of energy is felt in his hands as he turns on the lightsaber. Around Only One Cannoli a number of clones drop to the ground and start twitching uncontrollably but he ignores this as he continues. In the distance he can see the domineering presence of General GBH, who looks suspiciously like Rhaps. As he continues to walk forward the clone troopers all fall to the ground at a mere glimpse of his dreaded Jedi weapon, effectively clearing a path for him.
General GBH sees the glow of the lightsaber and he reaches into his pockets and extracts a pair of vicious looking knives and twirls them around in his hands. Only One Cannoli merely nods in response and his eyes remain firmly locked on his prey. Abruptly one of the Separatists throws something at the Jedi and it bounces off his forehead. Only One Cannoli looks down and realises that it is one of the infamous Mycoxadrupin pills that have been making the clone troopers and anyone else affected by them to be hunched over awkwardly or suddenly excused from the room. In those instances he had heard the words ‘lasts more than six hours then call a physician’ quite a few times and now inwardly shuddered whenever he saw a doctor.
Only One Cannoli: HA! You missed my mouth morons!
The Jedi storms on whilst the Epelepto Fett clones continue to either pass out or dive out of the way in fear of sharing the same reaction. General GBH laughs and he closes the distance between himself and the lightsaber wielding warrior as the two of them finally clash. Only One Cannoli swings the weapon while making a whooshing sound with his mouth. General GBH thrusts his knives forwards, making a clang noise with his mouth when they are deflected by the lightsaber. Their fight continues for a few more minutes, neither combatant getting the upper hand when at last, General GBH steps forward too far and leaving himself exposed. Only One Cannoli raises the lightsaber and jabs it into the general’s ribs. Instead of cutting through his body, General GBH drops to the ground and puts his hands up to the wound, covering it. The scene suddenly smash cuts and now the wound looks suitably charred.
Only One Cannoli: You have been defeated General GBH. Are you and the Separatists willing to surrender peacefully and end this Mycoxadrupin threat that’s been causing all sorts of awkwardness in the galaxy? I mean, it’s bad enough for the effects to last a few hours but permanently is just cruel.
General GBH’s brow furrows in response to this and his mouth opens and closes a few times as his brain attempts to catch up and fill in the silence with some words. The cogs in his brain turn a little too slowly for comfort and the two men stand impishly facing one another while the Separatist leader flaps his trap. Eventually he finds the words that he is looking for.
General GBH: We are not willing to surrender without certain assurances and I have no knowledge of this permanent Mycoxadrupin of which you speak. We manufactured the drug and the Galactic Republic and the Jedi council wanted to take 90% of the profits in tax. We weren’t willing to lose that kind of money so we decided to fight back. And we desire the effects of this pill to be temporary, where’s the repeat business if we made it permanent?
Only One Cannoli: I don’t believe your villainy or your lies GBH! You brought war and chaos to the galaxy and it was, hang on, you said it was to prevent your product from being taxed too much? What a silly reason to go to war.
General GBH: I don’t think it’s a silly reason, after all most wars now are fought for money. I seem to remember some conflicts on CNN about a country called America fighting for oil.
Only One Cannoli raises a hand to respond but he stops dead in his tracks. He thinks for a few moments before shaking his head in dismissal, not willing to be dragged into such an argument. Both warriors by now have sheathed their respective weapons.
Only One Cannoli: Well, what assurances would you like?
General GBH: First of all, the taxes on Mycoxadrupin are set at a maximum of 40% and we increase the price by a third and keep the remaining profit. If we can agree on these terms then the war can end today.
Only One Cannoli: I accept and I shall take this proposal to the Jedi Council. However, you still need to answer for your crimes with this rogue batch of Mycoxadrupin and while that remains it will create a sore point at the peace talks in the future.
As the Jedi finishes speaking these words Nicholas Carson as Mace Face-O steps into view, earning a quizzical stare from General GBH and Only One Cannoli who were clearly not expecting to see him at this juncture. Mace Face-O has a manic grin plastered on his features and winks mischievously into the camera.
Mace Face-O: Bow chicka bow wow. You thought I forgot didn’t you?
Mace Face-O runs from view leaving the two warriors stood as before. The silence between them drags on for a few moments before they finally collect themselves and resume the scene in earnest. General GBH steps forwards, producing two pills that look similar but with one distinct difference.
General GBH: As I said before Jedi, we did not manufacture this rogue pill. Ours on the left as our brand Viagtra printed on them while this rogue pill has the word ‘Sith.’ Perhaps the enemies of the Jedi order are to blame for this.
Only One Cannoli: Ok, so where did you get that from?
General GBH: They were being handed out for free, which by the way is absolutely criminal and kills a business in a capitalist society but more on that later. Someone from the Galactic Council was giving them away which means that your enemies are more firmly entrenched than you previously thought. PLOT TWIST!
Only One Cannoli: But the Galactic Republic started this war because of Mycoxadrupin, why would they be handing it out for free. I’m sorry but I see a flaw in your logic. Perhaps….
General GBH: PLOT TWIST!
Only One Cannoli: But…
General GBH: You don’t seem to get it. I said PLOT TWIST! So the scene is over.
General GBH throws up some jazz hands dramatically while he walks backwards until he is no longer visible in the camera leaving a bemused Only One Cannoli alone in a sea of clones all hovering nervously in case of more bright lights. After a few seconds the Jedi shrugs and he too walks off camera.
* * *
End of Part One. Thank you for reading this far if you managed to make it all the way. Any comments or feedback are most welcome and hopefully you found it funny. The saga will continue in part two.
