Post by Rhaps on Aug 7, 2013 20:44:13 GMT -4
The scene opens in a kitchen, the camera pointed at what is clearly a set used for cooking shows. Pots and pans have been lined up neatly on the counter and a saucepan is on the hob, all gleaming and ready for use. The lights in the studio are very bright as a man walks onto the set. The individual possesses a face that looks like just about anybody in the world, having no discernible features that anybody would recognise when asked to identify him. The unrecognisable superstar is currently adorned with a suit. He looks around the set with an absolutely thrilled smile plastered on his face and he hops behind the counter before removing his jacket and donning an apron with his name emblazoned across it. It reads ‘Mister Bodacious.’ The Bodacious One nods up and down as he looks at the apron, clearly pleased with himself. He picks up a wooden spatula enthusiastically.
Mister Bodacious: Welcome EVPW fans to a new segment that I like to call Bodacious Baking. Now as you are all aware, I am Mister Bodacious. I am the greatest competitor ever and I am the most multi-talented man in this business. Wrestling, pfft . Simple. Cooking is child’s play for a man of my skill. I excel at playing every instrument at the same time. In fact I was the entire Orchestra for Phantom of the Opera and I am known the world over as the Shark Surfing Champion of the Universe. That’s right, the best in the universe!
Mister Bodacious flourishes the wooden spatula after announcing every one of his fictional achievements, his self-inflated ego rising. An ‘applause’ sign lights up and from behind the camera a single audience member can be heard clapping rather unenthusiastically. Despite this, Mister Bodacious acts like he has a ten thousand strong crowd all chanting his name in unison. He closes his eyes and lifts his head into the air somewhat; getting some form of solace from the fiction he has painted for himself in his head. After a few seconds he looks back at the camera and offers anybody who may be watching accidentally a heart thumbs up.
Mister Bodacious: Of course any true wrestling fan will recognise me as the winner of the Everything Championship. The title belt is truly beautiful and it is my pride and joy.
The Bodacious One raises his cardboard ‘Everything Championship’ title belt and grips it to his chest, a proud grin etched on his facial features. The applause sign lights up again and this time the singular clap is even slower this time. The Hyper Sensation carefully stows his championship out of sight before continuing.
Mister Bodacious: Well, enough about me. Let’s get on with the Bodacious Baking. As a master chef and baker and all round awesome puncher of dinosaurs I will teach you, the fans, how to bake with bodacity. Today we will be making a nice cheesecake. So first we need our ingredients. These will be my own brand of Bodacious Biscuits for the base and of course the most important ingredient, a one kilogram block of cheese. Also Jam is very important and we will need a saucepan.
As Mister Bodacious lists his ingredients for his truly awesome cheesecake a stage hand places them on the counter for him. He nods with satisfaction as he surveys each in turn. The Bodacious One picks up the block of cheese and bangs it against the counter tops a few times, breaking it into a few smaller chunks before popping all of them into a bowl. He smiles more to himself while the applause light comes on again. This time before any half-hearted clap is heard the lights short out, sending a shower of sparks into the air. Mister Bodacious ducks and holds a cutting board over his head defensively.
Mister Bodacious: Argh! Bloody Ninjas are always attacking me!
After a minute or so the Hyper Sensation gets a grip on himself. He pops the last of the cheese segments into the bowl before attacking the pack of biscuits with a large carving knife. He manages to spray crumbs everywhere, mostly all over the floor.
Mister Bodacious: Well, clearly the first important step to a really good cheesecake is to place your cheese in a few big blocks into a bowl for mixing. Then you get the biggest bloody knife you can find and hack away at the pack of biscuits until they are nothing more than a fine powder.
Mister Bodacious throws half a packet of whole biscuits and a significant amount of crumbs into the bowl before snatching up his wooden spatula. He begins stirring the strange mixture with a look of zen-like happiness. He is doing nothing more then moving them around in the bowl and in the process of doing this, he spills quite a lot of it onto the counter.
Mister Bodacious: Alright, now that we’ve mixed that up properly we now need a secret ingredient, which I will tell you about now. We need eggs! But not just any eggs, we need…..
Before the Bodacious One can finish his sentence; the stage hand from earlier places a pack of twelve eggs next to the mixing bowl. He looks suddenly panicked and he backs away in alarm. He stares manically at the eggs, almost expecting something to happen. He raises his fist and thrusts his limbs towards them a couple of times experimentally. Of course nothing happens but it takes a few seconds before a bright individual steps into frame to remove the offending eggs.
Mister Bodacious: God that scared the hell out of me. You of course want to use ordinary cow eggs and not those dinosaur eggs that some cretin just brought me. But of course I am the famous Dinosaur Puncher. You, hireling, tell me when they hatch and I will punch the ever loving shit out of them.
Mister Bodacious nods triumphantly with nothing but pure conviction. He spins on the spot before reaching off camera and bringing back eggs with the word ‘cow’ written on them. He drops the entire thing into the bowl, shell and all before he starts mixing it with his wooden spatula again. This takes a few more minutes before he snatches up a bag of flour and begins throwing it around, dousing every surface with the stuff. As Mister Bodacious finishes, a female crew member steps into view before backing away apologetically. This causes a great deal of commotion.
Mister Bodacious: How dare thee wench step into my cooking domain. Taste my cheesecake wrath! Oh God, I just suddenly saw your face….stay away from me! You look like a bulldog licking vinegar off a thistle! Be gone maiden of the night, witch of wicked ugliness. The Bitch of Bodmin Moor!
The female crew member is no longer apologetic as she steps into view. She is holding a tray and she begins laying into him with it, the clang of metal against bone ringing out as he disappears under a barrage of blows. He begins screaming wildly as the stage hand lays into him some more. The show is replaced by a blank screen with the words ‘Technical Difficulties.’ Underneath this someone has added ‘Host is a douche.’ After the blank screen has gone the kitchen set is seen once more. However, instead of the cooking chaos from before, the kitchen is now spotless and Mister Bodacious is holding a perfect cheesecake in his hands. He has a black eye and a plaster on his right cheek.
Mister Bodacious: And here you go. After you follow my simple cooking instructions you should end up with a fluffy and totally delectable cheesecake that wasn’t store bought in a blind panic. Now, as you saw there are hazards with cooking. First of all, beware of dark wizards and Bodmin Moor Bitches descending upon you with cooking paraphernalia. But on the whole, if you bring a healthy supply of dynamite and anti-blunt weapons then you should be fine. Now all you have to do is serve and enjoy your cheesecake.
Mister Bodacious plunges his face into the delectable desert. He re-emerges some time later with it stuck to his face and in his hair. He shrugs before he continues eating like an animal. Somebody walks on screen and holds up a home-made applause sign. This elicits the single clap to echo from behind the camera before the screen fades to black.
EoT – Comments Welcome.
Mister Bodacious: Welcome EVPW fans to a new segment that I like to call Bodacious Baking. Now as you are all aware, I am Mister Bodacious. I am the greatest competitor ever and I am the most multi-talented man in this business. Wrestling, pfft . Simple. Cooking is child’s play for a man of my skill. I excel at playing every instrument at the same time. In fact I was the entire Orchestra for Phantom of the Opera and I am known the world over as the Shark Surfing Champion of the Universe. That’s right, the best in the universe!
Mister Bodacious flourishes the wooden spatula after announcing every one of his fictional achievements, his self-inflated ego rising. An ‘applause’ sign lights up and from behind the camera a single audience member can be heard clapping rather unenthusiastically. Despite this, Mister Bodacious acts like he has a ten thousand strong crowd all chanting his name in unison. He closes his eyes and lifts his head into the air somewhat; getting some form of solace from the fiction he has painted for himself in his head. After a few seconds he looks back at the camera and offers anybody who may be watching accidentally a heart thumbs up.
Mister Bodacious: Of course any true wrestling fan will recognise me as the winner of the Everything Championship. The title belt is truly beautiful and it is my pride and joy.
The Bodacious One raises his cardboard ‘Everything Championship’ title belt and grips it to his chest, a proud grin etched on his facial features. The applause sign lights up again and this time the singular clap is even slower this time. The Hyper Sensation carefully stows his championship out of sight before continuing.
Mister Bodacious: Well, enough about me. Let’s get on with the Bodacious Baking. As a master chef and baker and all round awesome puncher of dinosaurs I will teach you, the fans, how to bake with bodacity. Today we will be making a nice cheesecake. So first we need our ingredients. These will be my own brand of Bodacious Biscuits for the base and of course the most important ingredient, a one kilogram block of cheese. Also Jam is very important and we will need a saucepan.
As Mister Bodacious lists his ingredients for his truly awesome cheesecake a stage hand places them on the counter for him. He nods with satisfaction as he surveys each in turn. The Bodacious One picks up the block of cheese and bangs it against the counter tops a few times, breaking it into a few smaller chunks before popping all of them into a bowl. He smiles more to himself while the applause light comes on again. This time before any half-hearted clap is heard the lights short out, sending a shower of sparks into the air. Mister Bodacious ducks and holds a cutting board over his head defensively.
Mister Bodacious: Argh! Bloody Ninjas are always attacking me!
After a minute or so the Hyper Sensation gets a grip on himself. He pops the last of the cheese segments into the bowl before attacking the pack of biscuits with a large carving knife. He manages to spray crumbs everywhere, mostly all over the floor.
Mister Bodacious: Well, clearly the first important step to a really good cheesecake is to place your cheese in a few big blocks into a bowl for mixing. Then you get the biggest bloody knife you can find and hack away at the pack of biscuits until they are nothing more than a fine powder.
Mister Bodacious throws half a packet of whole biscuits and a significant amount of crumbs into the bowl before snatching up his wooden spatula. He begins stirring the strange mixture with a look of zen-like happiness. He is doing nothing more then moving them around in the bowl and in the process of doing this, he spills quite a lot of it onto the counter.
Mister Bodacious: Alright, now that we’ve mixed that up properly we now need a secret ingredient, which I will tell you about now. We need eggs! But not just any eggs, we need…..
Before the Bodacious One can finish his sentence; the stage hand from earlier places a pack of twelve eggs next to the mixing bowl. He looks suddenly panicked and he backs away in alarm. He stares manically at the eggs, almost expecting something to happen. He raises his fist and thrusts his limbs towards them a couple of times experimentally. Of course nothing happens but it takes a few seconds before a bright individual steps into frame to remove the offending eggs.
Mister Bodacious: God that scared the hell out of me. You of course want to use ordinary cow eggs and not those dinosaur eggs that some cretin just brought me. But of course I am the famous Dinosaur Puncher. You, hireling, tell me when they hatch and I will punch the ever loving shit out of them.
Mister Bodacious nods triumphantly with nothing but pure conviction. He spins on the spot before reaching off camera and bringing back eggs with the word ‘cow’ written on them. He drops the entire thing into the bowl, shell and all before he starts mixing it with his wooden spatula again. This takes a few more minutes before he snatches up a bag of flour and begins throwing it around, dousing every surface with the stuff. As Mister Bodacious finishes, a female crew member steps into view before backing away apologetically. This causes a great deal of commotion.
Mister Bodacious: How dare thee wench step into my cooking domain. Taste my cheesecake wrath! Oh God, I just suddenly saw your face….stay away from me! You look like a bulldog licking vinegar off a thistle! Be gone maiden of the night, witch of wicked ugliness. The Bitch of Bodmin Moor!
The female crew member is no longer apologetic as she steps into view. She is holding a tray and she begins laying into him with it, the clang of metal against bone ringing out as he disappears under a barrage of blows. He begins screaming wildly as the stage hand lays into him some more. The show is replaced by a blank screen with the words ‘Technical Difficulties.’ Underneath this someone has added ‘Host is a douche.’ After the blank screen has gone the kitchen set is seen once more. However, instead of the cooking chaos from before, the kitchen is now spotless and Mister Bodacious is holding a perfect cheesecake in his hands. He has a black eye and a plaster on his right cheek.
Mister Bodacious: And here you go. After you follow my simple cooking instructions you should end up with a fluffy and totally delectable cheesecake that wasn’t store bought in a blind panic. Now, as you saw there are hazards with cooking. First of all, beware of dark wizards and Bodmin Moor Bitches descending upon you with cooking paraphernalia. But on the whole, if you bring a healthy supply of dynamite and anti-blunt weapons then you should be fine. Now all you have to do is serve and enjoy your cheesecake.
Mister Bodacious plunges his face into the delectable desert. He re-emerges some time later with it stuck to his face and in his hair. He shrugs before he continues eating like an animal. Somebody walks on screen and holds up a home-made applause sign. This elicits the single clap to echo from behind the camera before the screen fades to black.
EoT – Comments Welcome.
