Syn
Professional Wrestler 
In the end everyone pays for there SYNS!
Posts: 69 
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Post by Syn on Jun 29, 2013 19:03:57 GMT -4
A man with short blond hair is seen walking toward the Solid Core Gym, the skies were sunny, the weather was a nice, perfect for laying out on the beach getting a tan or picking up the local women. The short blond hair man enters into the gym, his black multi colored leather jacket flows behind him as he walks down the hall grumbling, he rereads the letter from Kingbear addressed to him asking for his presence on a Saturday for some training. Syn could think of a million other places he would rather be then here.The Japanese Superstar opens the double set of doors to a beat up and well worn wrestling ring. A faint smell of sweat and body order permeate the room, causing Syn to wrinkle up his nose.
Training? What the hell do I need training for? Am I not a God of this sport? Am I not the greatest person to ever step foot into this small pathetic organization? These fans, the Owners, should be bowing down to me, and be happy that I bother to even grace these ungrateful peons and this organization with my presence. The Superstars on this roster, most have nowhere close to the talent I was blessed with. They are not Gods, but mere mortals. As for the two lower class souls that escaped MY judgement. They will not get so lucky the next time, for though I am a loving and fair God, I have a vengeful wrath, and I will send those two straight to Hell. And they will not receive Salvation that is reserved for others.
Unknown to The Cardinal of Syn there was someone else who happened to be standing in the room and he over heard every word that the arrogant superstar had said, which didn't set to well with the individual who happened to be waiting for him. Syn looks around the room still unaware of who was waiting for him, not seeing anyone else he turns to walk out when a growling angry bear type voice, causes him to pause in his tracks, he turns around and sees standing in the ring....
TBC
reedited
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Post by KingBear on Jul 1, 2013 3:02:14 GMT -4
The visage of a man tired of the antics portrayed before him. With a grin, KingBear steps towards the ropes and leans on the top rope, surprisingly he is still wearing his business suit, either not expecting this young "God" to be able to handle him or not expecting to take part in the training by way of talking more than doing.
"Welcome to the Boot Camp Syn. I hope you came prepared for a beating from one of the best I've ever worked with." His grin grows wider as a man feared and revered by many in the industry slowly steps out into the light of the gym. Without hesitation, he charges the young god and slams an forearm into the back of his head before pushing him into the ring. KingBear takes a few steps back and looks down at the demi-god before him. "This is Brett Steel, he'll be your training partner today. Plan on being his punching bag. And stop fucking around when I send you letters. Trust me, not everybody gets those."
((OOC: So I probably wont RP as much as you may like in this but I will give you stuff to work with and ideas and critiques. For example.. Let's take a look at your post above.. To be honest, I'm going to rip you apart in this training session so I hope you have a thick skin. Now I'm going to show you what you wrote and what I would do differently, take it as it is, advice alone. I am not the best RPer out there but I have a unique skill-set that allows me to be pretty damn decent.
The problem with what you have here is I always like to have it to where you dont know the character at first. Every time you write the opening sequence to anything, the best and hardest thing you can do is explain the person before naming them. If I were reading this post and it was the first time seeing your character ever, I would have no idea who Syn is or what he looks like. So change it up a bit.. Example:
A slender man with light skin walks down a sunny street as a cool summer breeze rustles his golden locks. His gaze turns upward, admiring the day that stares him mockingly in his face.
You dont want to do too much description right away. I may have done so in this but I kinda got stuck for a moment.. I like to just keep writing out the scene. But in this instance, I havent told you the characters name yet, I just described him, so from now on you can use more descriptors whilst calling him things like "the blonde haired man" or "the light skinned blonde" or things like that. As you go, add more description, he's wearing a jacket or something so then he could be called something like "the leather jacket clad blonde" and you can keep going from there.
I do want to note, this is just for the first post and this is also the hardest thing I have to do sometimes.. So I usually try to get my characters name blurted out fairly quickly. In this instance, you have a letter so you could go to the point of reading the letter and have it say "Syn.. Meet me blah blah." NOW! We know who this is, it's Syn.. And when he talks to himself, calling himself a god, then we know who he is even further.
But being as this is EVPW and not some major RP site, it's not necessary that you do this every time but it's a good writing exercise, it makes you get creative and think more about what you're writing.
Also, just a simple correction to the above quoted section "perfect for being out on the beach or picking up Woman." So in this, you either want to go plural or singular, but if you go singular, you missed a word. So it could easily turn into "picking up women" or "picking up a woman." Personally, I like the plural more, it fits better.
Basically, you want to set the scene before actually getting into the scene, describe the streets outside the gym before actually going in. Dont describe the outside as you're in the gym.
This Section: Is one huge run, on sentence. You're walking down the hall, reading the letter, that's basically what I get from this, so it doesnt need to be as long. Less is more in some circumstances.
This Section: I'm sorry but I got it the first time Syn grumbled, he's not happy about the situation. You want to try and avoid using the same word multiple times in a paragraph. Heck you want to try to avoid using the same word multiple times in a POST. It's hard, I know.. But descriptive words can tire out quickly. Also, personal note from stuff I do, try to avoid "ly" like quickly, swiftly, slowly, gently, stuff like that. Also, ABOUT not bout. Sorry, this one irks me a bit when I see it.
This Section: Is actually pretty good. I like the word use except for feint, you want to use faint. Otherwise it helps to paint the picture of the gym.
The talking part is good except you need more commas and move periods around. Check this, see if you can tell the difference. Read your bit then read mine.
Yours:
Not bad..
Mine:
All I did was change a few of the words you've accentuated and fixed some grammar and spelling. Tell me, when you read that.. Which seems to flow better in your mouth when reading it out loud. Which one seems to have the pauses where you feel there should be pauses. Sentences need to flow, it needs to go so smoothly you barely know you've read 2 whole pages.
Now, knowing the things I've said in the last bit.. I want to see you edit the last part. Or better yet either rewrite the above or continue it using the things I mentioned.. Remember the different definitions of there, their and they're.
Remember this:
They're going over there with their friends.
There is direction, their is ownership and they're is simply "they are".
Any questions? Have I pissed you off? Have I scared you off? Does it make sense?
Just keep in mind, I am a GM who judges matches but I also like to consider myself a great editor. I know what works and I know what people like to read.))
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Syn
Professional Wrestler
In the end everyone pays for there SYNS!
Posts: 69
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Post by Syn on Jul 1, 2013 15:00:10 GMT -4
Questions? Not at the moment. upset? Never, scarring me off? Highly unlikely, this is all about learning and getting better while getting a feel for what is expected. With the goal of pulling off wins and earning a title shot down the road. Trust me I have very thick skin and look forward to this session. Having upset Vladimir Tempest Strife need to get it tight and as close to perfect as possible. So that I can defeat the God King himself, and then take his throne.
The impact from that first blow, dazes and stuns the young Superstar, Brett continues the assault, mounting his adversary and reigning down blow after blow to the Japanese Superstars face, this causes Kingbear to grin even more. Brett stands up, bends down and roughly grabs Syn by the head standing him to his feet, locking in a front face lock and falling back to the mat dropping the Cardinal of Syn onto his head. Brett stands up and again bends down, grabbing the arrogant Superstar standing him roughly again to his feet. Brett appears to have a deviant smile on his face, as it appears he is enjoying himself way to much. The smiles is wiped off his face as the Father of Syn surprises Brett with a jab to the stomach, that is followed by a European uppercut, that stumbles Brett back giving Syn enough room to lower his shoulder and drive it into the stomach of Brett as he wraps his arms around his waist tackling him to the ground.
Not sure what is working next but followed up with a short post.
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Post by Hawkeye on Jul 14, 2013 5:04:31 GMT -4
I will give you props for wanting to chase down Vladimir but, your going to need a lot of work if you expect to even come close to beating him. Many men have tried and there isn't a single man yet who has been able to take the crown from him. Beat him maybe if he slips up, take his crown...only if he gives it to you
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Post by KingBear on Jul 14, 2013 5:44:06 GMT -4
Sorry Syn, I've had a bunch of shit fall on my plate recently. I promise to get back to training you soon. Just having issues of my own currently. If anyone else wants to pipe in, feel free to give some advice to Syn here.
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Post by Sublime on Jul 16, 2013 0:34:33 GMT -4
Be careful about run-on sentences, for example:
Highlighted in yellow are the repeated words
The impact from that first blow, dazes and stuns the young Superstar, Brett continues the assault, mounting his adversary and reigning down blow after blow to the Japanese Superstars face, this causes Kingbear to grin even more.
(Also, one should avoid using 'and' more than once in a sentence or commas more than three times and sometimes a comma should have a semi-colon in its place. For example, before listing something 'She had a backpack full of goodies; a bat, ninja stars, barbed wire and brass knuckles' or summarizing something 'They wailed and screamed as she bludgeoned their prone forms with her lead bat, but their pleas for mercy fell on deaf ears; heartless.)
Of course I don't expect you to write similarly to me, my brother finds my overly colorful writing style somewhat tiring, but it amuses me. I am merely trying to assist you in your sentence structure. My personal rule of thumb has always been, reread it out loud and see if what you just wrote sounds right.
A more structured Format:
The Impact from the first blow leaves the young superstar dazed and confused, but Brett does not relent. He mounts his adversary, reigning blow after blow down upon the fan favorite's face whilst a wicked grin spreads across his face. (Also, you don't want to use the same word too many times in close succession. Kingbear and Brett aren't the same person, so be careful about that too... For people with multiple characters.)
Brett stands up, bends down and roughly grabs Syn by the head standing him to his feet, locking in a front face lock and falling back to the mat dropping the Cardinal of Syn onto his head. Brett stands up and again bends down, grabbing the arrogant Superstar standing him roughly again to his feet. Brett appears to have a deviant smile on his face, as it appears he is enjoying himself way to much. The smiles is wiped off his face as the Father of Syn surprises Brett with a jab to the stomach, that is followed by a European uppercut, that stumbles Brett back giving Syn enough room to lower his shoulder and drive it into the stomach of Brett as he wraps his arms around his waist tackling him to the ground.
Again... Yellow are words that have appeared too often. When struggling to find a different word for something, I would suggest pulling out a thesaurus or going to dictionary.com and using their thesaurus.
I hope this was helpful... And not hurtful. You have the talent, but you have a bit of work to do. Kick some ass and if you'd like, we can kinda spar in here, because I could use some warming up in the match writing category.
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