New face in EVPW

[Bryan Alonso]

The scene opens in a locker room where a guy was busy with some excessive work. The camera widens its lens and it was looking like a new face has arrived EVPW arena. He was doing excersize in a prone position by lowering his body down with the help of his arms. He stands up and looks himself in front of the staring at his body full of sweat. He pumps his bicep in front of the mirror and says ‘Perfect, looks good’ then sits on the cousey seat and takes few sips of water and put the water bottle aside. He begins pumping out of his breath due to the excessive work. After lying down on the bench press, performing the bench press lowers the weight close to the chest and then pushes it back by straightening the arms. He opens his cupboard and takes out a white clean towel. Then slowly rubs it on his body so the sweat can be absorbed. Opens his toilet and goes inside to take a warm shower.

After the commercial break, the camera travels from the front of the audience and many of them were able to be on the TV screen for a short time. After the epic match the crowd was just settling onto their respective, when ‘when we stand together’ by ‘Nickelback’ bounces of the arena. A new face steps up to the EVPW ramp when there was a surprising reaction of the crowd, as they were not known to this young gun.

Ray white: Who the hell is he?

Jimmy Pate: I have no idea. No idea.

Ray white: Wait. Let me guess, I think a new young gun has arrived EVPW.

Jimmy Pate: Yeah, right a new one I guess.

Bryan walks down the ramp and slides under the last ropes and enters the ring. He takes the mic from the ring announcer then looks the thousand and million people’s with a descent smile on his face. Grabs the mic and bring closer to his lips *clears throat*

‘Well, your looking the uprising star of EVPW. My name is ‘Bryan Alonso’ and I am here to introduce myself. A new young gun has arrived in this EVPW arena and none can stop this guy to be next best in this business. I am Perfection; I am a man of great discipline and I am that good to compete the best wrestlers over here. One more last thing what I say I do, I just don’t bark and go away like there might be some doggies over here in the arena. Who bark, loses the match and go away. But I am a totally different person and I’ll prove that soon. That I am the best and I am BRYAN ALONSO!’

The screen starts fading away and the scene finishes.

Feedback please [/center]

[x | S.DREAMER | x]

Okay, you're new to this and asked me for a feedback, so here goes.

Well, it's good for a start, but I really feel that you have a lot to improve on. Firstly, that scene inside your locker room - that is, the exercise and shower deal - wasn't quite necessary. I can see how the in-ring promo is the focal point of your post, and I really don't see the reason why you added that bit. Next time, don't make your promo jumbled up with irrelevant points; it's just a worthless way to increase the number of words.

Speaking of the introduction you gave right there, it was short, sweet and simple, but the only thing that really bothered me is that 'bout the barking dogs thing. Sure it sounds funny, but for a real life heelish/bad-guy promo, it really doesn't sync.

Also, check the spellings and grammar before you post. I use Microsoft Word/Open Office to write my RPs, so yeah, use a proper word processor. And read the promos/roleplays of the other members on the board; we have one of the best roster around the place, and I'm sure you can learn a thing or two from their works. Like I said, there's a lot of room for improvement and I'm sure you would improve down the road.

All in all, good luck for the future, and ask any senior members/staffs if you need any help around the block.

[Bryan Alonso]

Thanks man. Appreciated.
I'll try to overcome the mistakes and I'll try to be good.

[Aiden Andrews/Scotty Daniels]

ya shawn pretty much got it down grammer was the one thing that was in need of some improvement maybe a little more description but it wasnt bad for a first one